“You are stupid”

“For fuck’s sake you piece of shit”

“Go fuck yourself”

“What the fuck, you dumbarse”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Oh my God, I’m going to kill you”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up”

“You fucking FUCK!”

These are the daily ‘conversations’ Mum & Dad have with the GPS in our car

Which is why, I think it’s now getting us lost on purpose

With some of the best scenery we’ve seen so far this tour

And not just because I was actually awake for this car trip

My jaw wasn’t just dropping from the postcard views out my window either

The conversation inside the car was pretty mind blowing too

Yeah, she’s back with a vengeance

Mum: Wow, look at all the windmills…they are everywhere!

Dad: It’s a good thing

Mum: What are they used for anyway? Is it for electricity or something?

Dad: What, are you stupid? Everyone knows what windmills are for

I thought that’s what they were for too – but then I saw Dad’s face in the rear view mirror and realised he was totally fucking with her

It’s one of our favourite things to do on tour

Mum: I thought it was like an environmental thing, you know to save power and stuff

Dad: Jesus, everyone knows what windmills are for

They’re to create a sea breeze Betty, a SEA BREEZE

 

Mum: Oh, well now I know then too don’t I?

Fark!

I have definitely inherited Mum’s brains

‘Cause Dad still has his

Especially when Holly’s driving

It’s lovely really, when people take the time to let you know how they feel

And let you know that, without you, they wouldn’t feel this way

It’s pretty cool to be able to affect people like that

And then when they go to the effort to use nice paper

Beautiful penmanship

And they just don’t hold back

It can actually be quite emotional sometimes

So I just want to say, that we appreciate all the letters you leave for us

They’re much easier to read than the fuck you written in lipstick on the windows

*thanks Kelly!

The Melbourne Cup

It’s known as “the race that sops a nation”

And it really does

People all over the country stop work for the race

I remember at school we’d get to watch it on TV

Lots of people dress up for it, in their fanciest duds, at racetracks across the country

It’s a very prestigious event, and attracts entrants from all over the globe

Even my mother-in-law in Chicago, a die hard horse racing fan

Knows ALL about the Melbourne Cup

And will no doubt be having a bet on the big race

We’ll be halfway between Ulladulla & Canberra when the race is on

But that’s OK, we’re still going to get in the spirit

The great Aussie tradition of ‘having a flutter on the nags’ is alive and well on the road today

Mum, whose family has always been into horse racing and betting

Has given herself the role of bookie for the day

I think SHARK might be a better term for her

I was barely awake this morning and she’s hitting me up for money

Getting me to draw the names & which horses we get

There’s 6 of us on the road – and 24 horses in the race

4 horses each

Except one’s already been scratched from the race, and she wouldn’t tell us which one

Her words, “…if you get that horse, tough shit”

So I don’t even have to tell you who ended up with that horse

Yeah OK, it was me

Fuck

Thanks for that

I think she’s been watching too much Sopranos

So we’re all set

I’ll let you know how it goes

Hopefully one of my horses will be first across the line

If not I might need to borrow some cash

Or maybe just a place to stay and hideout for a while

Where  the Mafia boss can’t find me

UPDATE: Guess who won? Go on….guess! Who wrote out all the names? Who put them all in the envelope?

Well done Mum, you mobbed up Mama!!

But they almost make me want to go out and buy a minivan

Or a gun

You KNOW you know people exactly like this

So what will it be?

Gun?

Minivan?

Gun?

Minivan?

BOTH!

I’m like, the what?

He says, there’s this Russian Sand lady and she’s beautiful and really talented

You should check her out

Google her, or whatever you do on your computer

You’ll love it

So I google Russian Sand Lady

And I get this

And I’m thinking

Wow, even with your beer googles on Dad

I don’t think you could class this ugly old mole as beautiful

And talented?

She. Eats. Dirt.

I’m like, uh ‘scuse me, but your 4 years old granddaughter could kick this wrinkly cow’s butt in a sand eating competition

Miss 4 devours MUD PIES for God’s sake

This chick just eats plan old SAND

And there’s NO WAY Miss 4 is not cuter than HER

And Dad says, what the fuck are you talking about?

So I show him the photos I found when I googled Russian Sand Lady

He’s like, you’re a FUCKTARD, you know that?

I know, he totally called me that. I taught HIM that word – and he used it on ME

Hmmmm DILLIGAF?

Anyhooo

Turns out he was talking about this Russian Sand Lady

Just a case of miscommunication

.

Between the front seat and the back seat

beans, beans, good for your heart

beans, beans, make you fart

the more you eat, the better you feel

so eat your beans with every meal

That was one of the first songs I ever taught my girls

I know, another reason I am mother of the year!

Interesting useless fact:

1.5 million cans of Heinz Baked Beans are sold every day in the U.K.

The Heinz factory in Wigan,UK, uses some 1,000 tonnes of dry beans every week making the nations’ favourite toast-topper

And after not much googling research, I’ve been looking for the answer to that ‘age old’ question

Why DO beans make you fart?

I choose this one

When the gasses harnessed from the bean roots move toward the anal cavity through the colon, it makes the pressure neccesary to pull off an epic fart

Probably not the most scientific answer, but my fave none the less

Baked beans are popular world wide, it’s one food my girls will always eat

But nowhere are they more popular than here in the UK

No matter what kind of restaurant, cafe or hotel we’re in, you can guarantee that beans are on the menu somwhere

Breakfast, lunch, or dinner

I’l have them every now and then for brekky

I like beans more than beans like me, if you know what I mean FAAAAAAAARRRRRRRTT!

But Dad?

Well fuck-me-dead if that man doesn’t eat them every day

And I mean EVERY-FRIGGING-DAY

Take into account that he’s been in this country since the end of August

We’re talking close to 50 servings of beans so far

FIFTY for FUCK’S SAKE!

Is it any wonder our car smells like arseholes bad after a long drive

I’m not sure I can handle it any more

That’s why today, when Mum, Dad & Holly stopped for breakfast

I decided to stay in the car and blog about my smelly Dad

Windows down

Sucking in the fresh air while I can

‘Cause they’ll be back soon

And I’m hoping that only Dad has had beans this morning

‘Cause trust me, when I tell you that he’s a champion farter

But if Mum does beans for brekky?

Sweet Jesus that woman could take her bean fueled bum to the fucking Olympics

My eyes are watering just thinking about it

The whole CHOLESTEROL / GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER crap that I blogged about before

Well, most mornings we get on the road and stop for brekky somewhere along the way

We USED to (before I became the food police) stop at the death wagons on the side of the road

Their food is seriously delicious, but greasy bacon and egg rolls aren’t the most nutritious way to start the day

Hence the name DEATH WAGON

Most mornings, wherever we stop, I’ve been having muesli & yogurt

Mmmm, yummy   *insert best sarcastic facial expression here*

Everyone else has been pretty good too

Only the occasional greasy breakfast is being consumed

I mean, I don’t expect everyone else to be good ’cause I have to

Who am I kidding? Of course I fucking do

I expect support people

And lots of it!

So, imagine my pure pissed-off-ness when we pulled into a MacDonalds this morning

The first one of the trip

‘Oh don’t worry Jen, there’s bound to be SOMETHING good you can have here’, they said

Yeah well thanks for making me look like a complete tossa when I went up to order my food and asked if they had any ‘healthy’ options to eat

pimply kid: healthy?

me: yeah, like fruit or yogurt or something like that

pimply kid: ummm, lady, you’re in MACDONALDS

Yeah OK fucktard, thanks for pointing that out

Anyhooo, everyone enjoyed their heart attacks in a bun bacon and egg mcmuffins

While I sulked went and sat in the car

There’s only so much willpower I possess

And sitting in MacDonalds, watching everyone at my table eat shit I haven’t touched in forever that kind of food would be too hard

The urge to dive across the table and kill one of them snatch their food away would be too hard to resist

So I sat in the car

It was cool, I passed the time going thru their bags they weren’t too long

So we got back on the road and headed to tonight’s show in Croydon

I was starting to get pretty hungry at this point

I mean come on, I’m obviously fading away to a block of flats!

I start hunting through my bag for something to nibble on

Almonds, raisins my address book I could give a fuck at this point

You know how you don’t want to see the incredible hulk when he’s angry?

I’m just like that when I’m hungry, except not as green, and WAAAAY nastier

And then my mum

MY MOTHER – who nurtured me in her womb, brought me into this world, rocked me to sleep at night

Yeah that one

She pulls out a BOX OF FUCKING MALTESERS

I’m all like, are you FUCKING SHITTING ME? You’re going to open those fuckers and eat them? Here? Now?

In FRONT OF ME?

She starts giggling, well of course I’m going to share some too, she says

As she passes them to the front for Dad & Holly

So anyway

To cut to the chase

If you see a middle-aged brunette with a suitcase and a half-empty box of Maltesers shoved up her arse, standing on the side of the road, about half way between Aylesbury & Croydon, could you give her a lift?

I’ve had some food now, and I’m starting to feel a bit bad about leaving her there

Who else is going to iron Dad’s underwear sell the cds tonight?

On our way to Carlisle yesterday we stopped at a historic sight, Furness Abbey to check it out

Not only is it beautiful to see – but it also has a pretty incredible story behind it

Founded in 1123 by Stephen, Count of Blois (close to 900 years ago),^[2] it was built originally for the Order of Savigny.^[3] Located in the ‘Valley of the Deadly Nightshade’ between Dalton-in-Furness and Barrow-in-Furness, the abbey is built entirely out of local sandstone. It passed in 1147 to the Cistercians, who gradually enlarged and rebuilt the original ornate church. The majority of the current ruins date from the 12th and 13th centuries. By the 15th Century it had been completely re-modelled and had become the second richest and most powerful – as well as one of the grandest – Cistercian Abbeys in the UK, behind Fountains Abbey.^[4]

The monks of the abbey were large landowners, and the most powerful body in what was then a remote border territory. In particular, they were heavily influential on theIsle of Man. One of the kings of Mann and the Isles is buried at the abbey, as are many of the Bishops of Sodor and Man. Rushen Abbey on the Isle was built on land owned by the monks.^[5] They also owned mines on the island, and built Piel Castle to control trade between the Furness Peninsula and the Isle of Man. Being about 70 miles down the coast from Scotland, the monks occasionally found themselves in between the regularly warring Scots and English. When Robert the Bruce invaded England, the abbot paid to lodge and support him, rather than risk the wealth and power of the abbey.

The Abbey was disestablished and destroyed in 1537 during the English Reformation under the order of Henry VII.

It now lies in ruins and is a popular tourist attraction, lying on the Cistercian Way — an ancient walk popular with tourists, which used to link the Abbey with the nearby town of Dalton-in-Furness. William Wordsworth visited on a number of occasions and referred to it in his famous 1805 autobiographical poem The Prelude, whilst Turnermade numerous etchings of the Abbey. Other notable tourists include the Theodore Roosevelt family. It was the first unguided visit on their European tour. A young Teddy Roosevelt and his siblings played on the ruins, which, in 1869, were not roped off or restricted.

We don’t usually get a lot of sightseeing in while we’re touring

We generally just go straight from A to B

Yesterday was a nice little detour though

It was Dad’s suggestion and I think it might mean he’s turning into a fossil mellowing in his old age

We took some photos, had a walk around and learned a little about what went on there back in the day

I mean, this was built in 1123

1123?

That’s a long time ago right there people

And it’s still standing!

The English settlers Poms didn’t settle in Australia until 1788

And Christopher Columbus set foot in America in 1492

Makes you realise just how historic Furness Abbey really is

Dad and I were talking about it in the car after we left

He was reading the brochure about it to us

We really just couldn’t get over how long it’s been there, and the fact that it’s still standing

Dad: You wont’ find much architecture from our generation that’ll last like this

Me: I know. This place is like a bazillion years old, almost

And just when I hoped she’s fallen asleep thought mum wasn’t even paying attention, she piped up

I don’t know why you all think it’s so special

If it’s been around all this time, how come they can’t even finish it?

She’s baaaaack

Let the fun begin

This Asian guy pulls up next our taxi

Really cool car – NOT

I think it was a hotted-up Corolla or something close to it

A real chick magnet

Fancy rims, flashing lights

A pair of undies hanging of the rear vision mirror

I know all the girls reading this are getting moist already

Puny Asian guys, driving little extensions of their penis’ , giving you the eye

Horny is an understatement

And then he cranked up his stereo and gave me his best, ‘you know you want somma this’ look

And just when I thought he couldn’t get any hotter

Guess what song he was playing?

Guns ‘n’ Roses?

Bon Jovi?

Springsteen?

Nope

He was rocking out to Barry Mannilow

Barry Mannilow singing, “Oh fucking Mandy”

I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.

I think I’ve just found my next husband!