But there’s enough of that shit out there already (and I love it!)

And because I can’t send you ALL a card, or give you a Christmas hug personally

And because I checked your list, and a FUCK IT UP FRIDAY was what you REALLY wanted this year

Here’s an ode to all the Mums out there

Or whoever it is in your household that does all the Christmas running around

Ladies & gimps, I give you, the eighteenth installment of FUCK IT UP FRIDAY

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Magoo’s BF: You know that Santa’s not real, right?

Magoo: Duh, it’s 4 days until Christmas. The REAL Santa is busy in the North Pole.
Wrapping my hamster.

I’m like, “So you KNOW that he has a small penis?”

“Yep!”

Okee dokey…

Not 10 minutes later  I started hanging shit on was talking to another guy stupid enough to sit in the front row and the same lady yelled out, “He’s got a tiny dick too!”

I’m not even making this up.

And guess what? She pointed out her 3rd victim ANOTHER guy in the audience, and claimed HE was tiny in the wedding tackled department too. At this point I’m thinking SHE must be  a wet bucket was the problem here

So it being close to Christmas at the time, this song sort of fell out of the hole in my face where the words come out – and NO ONE loved it more than her. So she was totally a good sport about me calling her a whore it

This ditty could go out to so many ladies (I use that term loosely) Like a Kardashian, or a Lohan

Or especially that slut chick from high school to had the nerve to give YOUR boyfriend a hand job behind the garden shed at Josie Raymnond’s 17th birthday party but you’re having the last laugh now ’cause you saw on Facebook that she’s on to her 3rd husband and her arse is FOUR times wider than yours….how’s THAT for karma biatch!?!?

Anyhoo

Merry Christmas to all the hoes

They make me laugh EVERY time I see them

Surely they were all taken in the days BEFORE digital cameras

Back when you took a pic, and had no idea how it turned out until you picked it up at the photo shop a week later

Because really, if you’d actually seen this shit with your own eyes first

You’d never SHOW it to anyone, right?

RIGHT?

Someone’s a bit excited about the Besty Wetsy doll Santa might bring her this year

This would have absolutely have been my Christmas card this year, if my husband wasn’t such a kill joy. I’m married to the fun police.

Would you even let a dude that looked like this NEAR your kids…..let alone put them on his lap? Looks like he just got done brawling over a bottle of booze in a bag with the other homeless Santas.

If I had a son, he’d totally be the little shit in this pic

I get do all the Christmas fun stuff with the girls

This week I have been to the school 5 times to volunteer with class parties and craft projects

Each time, I have been dressed head to toe, in varying versions of green & red

Always with a different flashing hat

And dripping in dollar store Christmas jewelry

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap

Yesterday I helped Macaroni’s class bake Gingerbread men

Now, me and baking aren’t really mates – so I was hesitant, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it couldn’t be any worse than waxing my own bikini line

All the Mums were gathered in the cafeteria, and the kids came in from the classrooms in groups of 4.

I, not wanting to fuck it up, asked what I should do first

Then a Mum, that obviously hasn’t been laid since January, told me, “washing your hands might be a nice start”

Oh, so THAT’S how we roll at these happy kid-friendly Christmas fun days? Full on bitch mode. Got it.

So I washed my hands, and then pulled up a chair over by the oven. I’d decided to be the boss of ‘timing’ the cookies. I just sat there, counting down backwards from seven minutes, loudly – for every batch that sour mutt bought to me

She then told me my outfit was ‘interesting’ and that she too used to have a dark stripe in her hair too – but she ‘grew out of that phase’

Then I saw HER son, picking his nose, then sticking his hands all over the gingerbread dough. He saw me watching him, and kind of shat himself for an instant. ‘Til I gave him a thumbs up and my best, yeah I’d totally wipe boogers in my food if she was my Mum too dude – look

But I think she might have snuck off to pop some happy pills, cause she actually HUGGED me when I left and THANKED ME for coming to help – like she had no idea that she’s been PMS-ing all in my face for the last hour. Skitzo much?

I almost felt bad about wanting to stab her in the eye with a rolling pin

Not really

She should thank Diamond, because I promised him I wouldn’t try to kill random strangers that pissed me anymore. At least not before Christmas anyway.

Anyhoo

Today was candy houses in Magoo’s class

Which was totally awesome cause we got to eat while we worked

The parents were all super nice and friendly

And made much easier by no one hating on my elf costume and glow in the dark snow boots

And my new WINE BRA.

You’ll need to order in the next 24 hours to make sure we get it out to you in time

All orders received by December 15th will arrive by Christmas!

Recorded live in South Africa

(track listing)

NICE GIRLS
FUCK FOR A LIVING
HEY MUM
TAKE IT LIKE A MAN
CHOCOLATE’S BETTER THAN SEX
WAX ON (WAX OFF)
DÉJÀ VU
BILLY THE KID
CAMEL TOE
BASTARD
10 THINGS
*bonus track*
WAIT

AUSTRALIANS & KIWIS!!

CLICK HERE TO ORDER! CLICK HERE TO ORDER!

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US, UK, SOUTH AFRICA and EVERYHWERE ELSE !!

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After the Melbourne shows were done

I was lucky enough to be able to squeeze in a quick trip (1 day) in Perth before I headed back to Chicago

I got to see my brother and his family, my girlfriends

But the main purpose, was to see Nan & Pop

Pop’s is living in the nursing home now with Nanna

My Aunty and cousin had decorated their room for them

Nanna has always loved Christmas. She always wears festive clothes, Christmasssy jewelry and this year is no exception

She was showing me her new Christmas outfit and jewelry

I loved looking around their room and recognising some of their ornaments from when I was a kid, spending Christmas at their house

Nanna didn’t have her teeth in, and Pop wouldn’t put his pants on

So yeah, no photos of them

You’re welcome

I cried when I said goodbye – I always do

But I know how lucky I am, to have grandparents who are both in their nineties

That remember me, can have a great chat with me, and even joke with me

And getting to hug them both hard – and tell them just how much I love them

Has already made this the best Christmas

Please feel free to pass this on to Diamond Santa for me

OK, numero uno

A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw

FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it

Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.

If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if  you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)

Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it

ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.

A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE

PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?

A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy

Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these

What’s on your Christmas list this year?

I let my brother do all the dirty work

With two very special friends in tow

Gifts for Macaroni & Magoo from Poppy

I think we should call them Kylie & Jason

So far they’ve been pretty trouble-free traveling companions

One flight to go

This last trip back to Oz was  a brilliant way to finish off an amazing year

Melbourne is one of the best places in the world to be at Christmas time

So much going on – and the shopping…

Oh, I get teary just thinking about it

Mum and I werrrked that shit, I can tell ya

The city is decked out with all the holiday trimmings and you can’t help but feel all Christmassy inside. A perfect place for a xmas-a-holic like me

And this little dude

Loved him

He belted out some Maroon Five and killed it

The bounty of bucks in his guitar case, showed that I wasn’t his only fan

Then there were the shows in Melbourne

At the beautiful Crown Casino

It’s a pretty flash venue with some shit hot accommodation going on

And they let US stay there

Bonus

We had two packed nights

With the always in top form, Melbourne crowds

Plus, peeps that had flown in from all over Australia to catch our last 2 shows for the year

We got to catch up with great fans

And hang out after the shows

Got spoilt rotten with gifts

Yes, this glass does say ‘fucking legend’

I’m pretty sure it’s referring to my ‘don’t even TRY to out drink me ‘cause I am gifted at this shit’ wine drinking skills

But the best part for me

Was finishing the trip with a 24 hour stopover in Perth

Getting to see my family

Seeing my nephews rip into their Christmas pressies

And the main reason for the whirlwind visit

To visit my Nanna and Pop

I can’t even tell you how good it was to see them

My Christmas present to myself

Best. Present. Ever.