And then I come to Australia for this tour

And then had to buy a COAT

because I’m a fucktard & didn’t bring one

I mean, I have shitloads of bloody coats/jackets/scarves/furry underwear

But I left home thinking, it’s Australia

How cold can it get?

Yeah well, I got my answer to that one early on

And technically, it’s nowhere NEAR Chicago cold here right now

But my body doesn’t give a shit

It’s cold

Thank God for backstage heaters and hotels with electric blankets

Go ahead, call me a pussy

But at least now with my new coat, I’m a warm pussy

Eeewww, bad visual

Not Sorry

Anyhooo

Saying hi to all the people that come to the shows never gets old

Especially with all the technology we have access to these days

So I can be on, say, FACEBOOK

And read someone’s comments on there about coming to the show

How maybe they’re excited, and it’s something they’re looking forward to

Or they might TWITTER that they’re on the way to a gig

And if I have my shit together, which is like never

I like to take note of their names

And then, embarrass the shit out of them call them out when I’m on stage

Just to say hi, and let them know that I know they’re there

I have been having some fun fucking with people with that on this trip

It’s funny, ‘cause there are many people that I have been communicating with online

That I’ve never met

And their profile pic is of their dog or their kids

So you don’t know what they look like either

It’s always fun to put a face to a name you’ve only seen on a computer screen

This week has see us meet A LOT of mates from the internet

Competition winners

Fans of our albums

We’ve been given all sorts of stuff to sign

Of course there’s the tits

And number plates

Cars

Teddy bears

Guitars

Old RECORDS

Everyone’s always so happy & friendly

.

This is Kylie

And she reads the blog religiously

And I got to meet her & Tanya at the Tanunda show

(told you I’d put you in here!)

I know I’ve said it before

but I drink a lot and like to repeat myself

But it’s got to be one of the best parts of the job

.

One more South Australia show

Then Tasmania, here we come

And they tell me it’s even colder there!

Apparently the kind of weather that makes you realise men have nipples too

Please send thermal underwear

Ooh oohh, hang on!

I have an even better idea

Send Diamond !!!

Hope your all having a good weekend

And find some time to relax

In your own special ‘thoughtful spot’

.

.

thanks Anne!

On Fridays we go to the video store

Stock up on the microwave popcorn

And settle down for a great night in

This Friday’s was awesome

Don’t even ask me what movie we watched

I was out like a light within 2 minutes of pressing ‘play’ on the DVD player

But here’s where it got good

I woke up

And the movie was over

And I could hear the girls giggling

And thought, oh shit they’ve found the silver bullet in my underwear draw what are they up to?

.

They were covered in my moisturiser

My makeup wipes were strewn all over the room

And every hair brush / comb / clip in the house, was scatttered all around me

The kicker?

They were playing beauty salon

And I was the client

Jackpot-bingo-you-bloody-beauty!

I was immediately instructed to go back to sleep

While they rubbed cream on my feet

Wiped it off with the wipes

Put more back on again

And brushed my hair

I reckon popping these two mini-humans out

Hurt like a mother fucker

Should make me eligible for some kind of genius award

Or at least the Mayor of Awesome-ville

some of you will visit with family

some of you will have family visit you

some of you will go to church

some of you will do your praying in private

some of you won’t pray at all

some of you like me will use this day as a damn fine reason to sit on your arse all day and gorge yourself on chocolate until you lapse into a delicious cadbury coma

this song is for you:

CHOCOLATE’S BETTER THAN SEX

HAPPY EASTER

So of course, I have 2 girls

And you know what?

It’s fucking awesome

Case in point

Today, ’cause mummy was hungover in relaxing mode

We decided to play beauty shop

Which basically consisted of me, instructing them

In the art of hand massage, foot massage & head massage

While I laid on the couch

And they practiced

On me

And let me tell you

I have hit the mother fucking jackpot with these girls

The whole time

They’re like, mummy, this is so much fun

Can we do this all the time?

I love rubbing your feet

And I’m saying, well only on special days

Like the ones that end in Y

Holy snapping duckshit batman, what a shit hot way to treat your hangover spend a Sunday

I didn’t take any pics

‘Cause that would have required me getting off my arse the couch

.

So I thought I’d see what google images had for me

If I typed in massage

What the fucking FUCK is THIS?

Massages are supposed to be RELAXING

Kinda hard to do when you’re all Medusa-ed out with snakes up your clacker

No thank you very fucking much

.

So then I typed in ‘facial’

To get a pic to use

And I got this

Google has a dirty mind is fucked up