Or should I say, was

This, is Lindsay Lohan now

Umm…’scuse me

But where in the dental handbook does it say meth mouth this look is cool?

I think somebody needs to start showing Miss Lohan some before & after ‘crack’ photos

Give her a bit of a glimpse into her future if she doesn’t get her shit together

Girls got so much natural talent that is just being boozed, binged and snorted away

It’s never too late, right?

Right here

Is the perfect example

Of why I never, ever

Smoke crack

Drink

Before work

But afterwards?

Game on fuckers!

This might be why

And for those of you that watched the royal wedding and thought Princess’ Eugenie & Beatrice looked like a pair of tarted up fashion victims

With their skin colored fallopian tube & blue labia hats

You were right.

Pretty cool huh?

Remember when I got to go to the Oprah Show with my friend Ruby?

I even have video to prove it

That’s me doing the Oprah Show Spaz Out Wave at the 3:27 mark

The day I went to the show

The audience received mittens

So, for her first show this year, when I found out she’s taking the ENTIRE audience on a trip to Australia

On a plane flown by John Travolta

Who I realise is totally a closeted gay man

But the tween in me (dressed up as Olivia Newton John) likes to live in denial

I wasn’t jealous at all

Huh, why would I be?

It’s not like I’m AUSTRALIAN or anything

It’s not like they’re going to my hometown Perth

Yeah, that’s right, they ARE going to Perth

On a direct flight – which Qantas never normally does

So you usually have to fly Chicago to LA to Sydney THEN to Perth

Where ALL my family lives

I don’t mean to come across all ungrateful n bratty n shit

But, fuck

Fuck

FUCK

At least I have my mittens to dry my bitter tears

Thanks for THAT Oprah

You know, Housewives of New Jersey

Housewives of Miami

Housewives of Atlanta

I’ve never watched one episode of any of them

But I think I should start

I think we ALL should start

Because this complete clusterfuck in the video below is on one of the shows I don’t know which fucking one

And ladies, she makes me feel VERY good about myself

She will for you too

Consider watching this an ego boost

‘Cause I guarantee  we all have more talent in our left labia than this stupid mole

I love her!

I highly recommend you check this out

Funny as fuck!

For those of you who don’t give a shit aren’t familiar with her

She’s a former Disney star and now an actress / singer

Don’t get me wrong, I barely even know who she is

And I’d never even heard of her fiance

His name is Mike Comrie

And he’s a professional hockey player

So, anyway – they’re on vacation in Hawaii

And he proposes

All together now, aaawwwwww!

The paparazzi were there to capture the intimate, some might even say, PRIVATE, moment

You kinda feel bad for them that such a special time was somewhat invaded by the media

But, no harm, no foul I guess

The happy couple didn’t notice the cameras

It didn’t ruin their happy moment

The proposal went off without a hitch

And so did the thank you

You know, the bit after the girl says yes?

Yeah, that bit

Where she says a big ol’ THANK YOU

And gives him one of the last blow jobs the poor bastard will ever receive

Welcome to married life dude!

The PREGNANT MAN that then went on to freak everyone the fuck out give birth to a baby

Out if his VAGINA

Now I don’t know about you

But where I come from, if you push a baby out of your vajay-jay

That makes you a WOMAN, not a MAN arsehole

And to show us all just how WOMANLY he really is

He’s gone and had another baby

Look, I’m happy for you mate.

Having kids is pretty awesome

But dude, you’re a DUDE

If I give it another couple of years, I reckon I could grown a mustache too

If I get enough stray eyebrows happening

Then if I had another baby – would I be a MAN?

No. I’d be a woman, with a mustache, and a vajay-jay,  who had a baby

Just like you are a woman, with a mustache, AND a vajay-jay , who had a baby

I don’t see there’s much of a difference

I’m prepared to be proven wrong on this one though

If you care to give me some of those fertility / hormonal / super drugs you’ve been taking

I’ll pass them on to my husband

And the next time he brings up having another baby

I’ll let him know it’s HIS TURN to go thru hell and back do it

He’ll just have to go and fuck himself first!

I’ve probably only seen a couple of episodes

But they’re all over the news right now

So here’s the deal

Jon & Kate had twins

Then they had sextuplets 

Now they have a really popular reality show about their lives

That just got a shitload more popular because Jon supposedly got caught cheating

And Kate has the hots for her bodyguard 

And everyone’s saying that Kate’s a total bitch hardwork

And poor, poor, Jon for having to put up with her

All I can say is Jon

Mate

You were all happy and shit when she looked like this

And NOW you decide to get your end away root around?

And Kate

You’re my hero

And I don’t care if you’re a complete bitch

If I went from this

(Which IS what I looked like and I only had ONE BABY IN THERE)

To this

Even if it was with bucket loads of money spent on plastic surgery

I would absolutely walk around naked EVERYWHERE tell your husband to go suck it too!!

Her / His name is Jenny Talia

No biggie

Except when you ‘google’ Jenny Talia, and go to images

You get this

And this

Not a problem really

Except for those people who are unaware of the Drag Queen with the same name

So when they see pics like this

Or this

They totally believe it’s me

Fucking retards

I’m not sure how to take this

Yes I am

I’m fucking mortified!

Maybe Drag Queen Jenny is offended if people find pics of me and think it’s her

Personally, I think I’m the one that got fucked thru the drive thru the raw end of the deal

Even if he/she totally does a better makeup job than me

It’s really not the point, you know?

It’s hard not to get a little weirded out by the fact that some of you have no problem thinking that I look like a dude