Cause it’s Macaroni’s turn to have the gastro bug that hit Macaroni & me last week

She’s been a trooper about it though

And by trooper, I mean WAY better at puking than Magoo. Like, no mess anywhere. Nada. Awesomesauce

Which is WAY better than puke-sauce. In pink shag pile carpet. I’m talking to YOU Magoo

Macaroni even survived me not letting her go to school

Yay for iPads, DSs, fishtanks & Kindles

And jigsaw puzzles, that I offered to sit down and help her with but, “…Mum, it’s really a lot easier and faster if you don’t help”

Oh, and yay for me. Who went out in the sub-freezing temps and snow, to meet Macaroni’s teacher and pick up today’s school work for her.

Because I offered to get her anything she wanted today. Chicken soup maybe?

Nope, she chose math & literature

So even without going to school, she sat and did hours of school work

By choice

Not sure where she gets the ‘learn-y’ gene from. But boy, does she have it bad

With me being Captain Pukey McShitmapants last Tuesday, Magoo on Friday and Macaroni starting last night

My calculations tell me that Diamond will be having the *MAN version of said ‘bug’ later this week

Guess I better notify the hospital

*pussy

Equals one inconsolable six year old

Fuck

R.I.P. Buddy

It’s my first video blog from the last UK tour in 2009

Back when I knew how to use iMovie and thought hey fuck it, why don’t I make a full on live DVD and edit it MY FUCKING SELF with final cut pro like all the professionals use but I would need a newer computer and updated software so I’ll just go spend thousands of dollars on that shit but wait oh hey, I don’t know how to USE this fancy fucking program so I better get me some lessons from the experts in blue shirts at the Apple store who are really helpful which is good because I’ll end up spending more time with them than my fucking husband because I didn’t realise that I shouldn’t edit using USB external hard drives, and every fucktard (except me) knows you can only use firewire hard drives for big arse projects because otherwise you’ll lose months of fucking editing work when your files become corrupt and won’t fucking open anymore and you’re so spewing you could cry except you already ARE crying because you missed out on going to see the Dolly Parton concert that you had VIP tickets for AND you have to get your shit done yesterday ’cause it’s only 46 more god damn mother fucking days ’til Christmas fuck cunt prick shit mother fucker

And how’s YOUR day going?

Sydney tour is done & dusted

And now it’s time to kick off my solo shows in Western Australia

Game on!

THURSDAY 25th August, COWARANUP (Cowie Club) 08 9755 5190

SATURDAY 27th August, NORTHAM (Northam Country Club) 08 9622 1050

I’m not sure why this picture ended up so big on here, it’s all stretched out and fucked up

And by fucked up, I mean totally out of proportion to the point where I look way thinner

So yeah, I’m leaving it like that.

I didn’t stop bragging about the fabulous weather

And saying how, even though it was winter

The weather was so fab

I was expecting more of the same this time

Yeah…umm..that hasn’t been the case so far

We’ve stepped into a Sydney winter

That so far, has had the highest rainfall in in years

Sydney has experienced its wettest July since 1950 as parts of NSW are declared natural disaster zones

But we’re all good

Except my hair

I’m having a bad hair week

Normal people have bad hair days when the weather’s hot and humid

I used to laugh about that

So karma is being handed to me on a big ol’ ‘fuck you’ platter

In the form of frizzy, yellow, hooker hair

Go, me!

Anyhoo

The sun’s expected to show it’s face again by Sunday

So for now, we’re enjoying it

We tried walking around in it today

But it was pretty torrential out there

Umbrellas were proven useless after about 5 minutes

And we all got saturated

Dad picked today to take the girls for a walk to the beach

Because….well…that’s what he DOES

The girls loved it though

Poppy time is always the best they reckon

Rain, hail, shine

Or flash flood

Ash cloud from the eruption of the Mt Puyehue Cordon Caulle volcano in Chile has been causing chaos in New Zealand skies for the past two weeks and continues to ground flights.

Air New Zealand passengers are the only people taking to the skies today with Qantas, Jetstar and Pacific Blue cancelling all services to and from New Zealand.

Now, I’m all about safety

Especially at 35,000 feet in the sky

We knew last night before the show that our flights home today, with Qantas had been cancelled

To be honest, we’d been following the news all week

So we were kind of prepared for it

And from a safety point of view, I didn’t WANT to fly, if the people that know their shit over at Qantas, didn’t deem it to be safe

So I called Qantas to ask if they had any idea when they expected to be flying again

In one day….two days?

The lady on the phone said that while she couldn’t give me an accurate answer, understandably

She could tell me that the first flight with seats available back to the U.S would be July 4th

Wah….THE FOURTH OF JULY??

That’s TEN FUCKING DAYS AWAY

I was like, hang on – so even if your flights are up and running TOMORROW, you can’t get me on a flight until July 4th?

She said, yes – all the flights are full

Well that’s all well and good lady…but WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR TEN FUCKING DAYS IN THE MEANTIME?

She said, Well we’re happy to reimburse you for accommodation and one meal per day

I said, will you also be happy to call my two daughters and tell them, hey kids – you know how you thought Mummy was coming home tomorrow? Well she’s not, OK…ha ha…joke’s on you!

And then deal with the consequences of that?

I tried to reason with the woman, who I appreciate was only trying to do her job

But it’s hard for two people to have a constructive conversation when one of them is bawling their eyes out

And the other one is a bitch

(It was nice to NOT be the bitch for a change!)

Anyhoo

The conversation ended with her having enough of my hysterics, “do you want to rebook your flight for July 4th or am I terminating this call?”

Call terminated with a fuck you, you fucking fuck

Then this tweet

So  a week ago, when I checked out Air New Zealand’s one way fare prices to Chicago – just to see what my travel options were if Qantas was still canceling flights

I saw how  much of a rip off crazy, expensive they were

My jaw hit the ground and I though, well THAT won’t be happening

That was then

But now?

The thought of not seeing my husband and my babies for another 10 days is so completely out of the question

I felt sick just thinking about it

And I understand that some of you are probably thinking, well, you’ve been away this long – what’s another week or so?

I get that

But once a tour is over – you’d be amazed just how quickly I get out of work mode

And long to be home, and be Diamond’d wife

And Mummy to Macoroni and Magoo

It might not make sense to you and my credit card will never understand

But after getting off the phone to the Qantas lady

I was straight on the phone to Air New Zealand

Booking myself the LAST SEAT AVAILABLE

On that  crazy, expensive one way flight to Chicago

And when I got to the airport today

My heart broke a little

When I saw all the cancelled flights

All the stranded passengers that don’t have any options

They’re sleeping at the airport with their families, in the hopes that somehow they can get to where they’re supposed to be

I’m totally and completely not mad about the whole Qantas deal now

As I sit here, getting ready to board my flight

I am feeling nothing but grateful

And I’ve got a big shitting grin on my face to prove it

And if Air New Zealand really ‘shouldn’t’ be flying in the ash cloud because it’s not safe

You can send your “I told you so’s” to me in heaven, no make that hell

Whatever…just email me.

PS – Mum & Dad have opted to ‘wait it out’ for now in NZ to see what happens. The idea of no work and a cosy hotel room with just the two of them, for whatever reason, appeals to them

and makes me mouth vomit

Seriously, it’s going crazy fast

Just over a week to go

It’s been pretty shit hot so far

Except for the last couple of days

Which have sucked dick

A lot

I don’t want to  go into it too much

Just know it rhymes with U-PAY-TIMMIGRATION!

But this is where you guys come in

Because it’s pretty hard to stay shitty for long

Meeting so many fucking nutters out here

And catching up with old mates too

(Hi carol & James!)

And sooooo many additions to the wanker wall, it’s going to need it’s own bloody website

And then there’s people like Pam (on the left, in the pic below)

I met Pam a few nights ago

And her sense of humour right now

Considering what she is obviously dealing with,  is pretty fucking awesome

Sometimes we need little reminders

That life is good

And little problems, when you look at the big picture

Amount to fuck all really

So yeah they might never let me back into the UK and I’m going to be fucking spewing the little voice inside my head I like to call, perspective

Is telling me to suck it up biatch!

Do something a bit different at our Colac show?

Yeah, well that didn’t happen

See, there was a mix up with advertising for tonights show

We were initially booked to play at a different venue here in Colac

Then that venue got closed for renovations

So the show got re-booked at a different venue

Ticketmaster, being as ‘on the ball’ as they are NOT

Didn’t change the venue listing on the website

They just showed the Colac show as cancelled

Yup, CANCELLED

Pretty hard to sell tickets for a show people think isn’t going ahead

Anyhoo, a few people

And I mean a FEW, were able to buy tickets anyway from the venue

Once we found out that almost no tickets were sold for the show

They told us to cancel it

Dad said, fuck it, we could make this fun

We came down to the venue this afternoon

With plans to set up for a little mini-concert

In the ’round

Backstage

With beer

Turns out the complex where the gig is also houses cinemas

So their management wasn’t keen on us playing in an area that wasn’t ‘zoned’ for a show

And then…

Then people started buying tickets

Too many for us to go ahead with our planned KEV & JENNY UNPLUGGED gig

So yeah, that kinda sucks

But for those that were at the ‘regular’ show tonight

You guys were very cool

And we had fun anyway – as we always do

But I wanted you guys to know that the thought was there

That’s what counts, right?

The plus side?

POPCORN!!

Is it that time of the month already?

But I am going to TRY and make it a carefully worded rant

So as not to get Dad anyone in any more trouble

Here goes

Say you were a member of a social networking site

Called….ummmm….Spacelook!

And say you were also a comedian

A popular Australian comedian

KNOWN for your politically incorrect-ness

And your daughter, who’s totally hot & skinny signed you up for Spacelook

And showed you how to use it

You get the hang of it pretty quick

Start yourself a ‘fan’ page

And your mates add themselves at a rate of 500+ a day

Then on the day your page hits over 107,000 *likes*

Spacelook DISABLE your page

For violating its policies

Now I understand you need rules

You need to control the content on these kind of pages to some extent

You don’t want people being abusive or threatening

But I think you have to watch how you enforce these rules

See, comedy is a very subjective thing

And what some people find funny

Others may find it offensive

Examples of such jokes are the ones about Japan

I personally haven’t posted any

I haven’t heard any/read any that I found funny

But I’m not going to shit on your parade if you do

If I don’t like it, I just ignore them

But I don’t take offense

Because offense IS something that is TAKEN

It’s very hard to GIVE it to someone

There’s very little comedy that is intended to offend

Just like a certain Australian politically incorrect comedian

There’s no malice in what he says or does

It’s just what he finds funny

“….bought a brand new Japanese car. With only 15 nautical miles on it”

I’m like…’meh’

It certainly doesn’t bother me

Now, if some of the 107,000+ fans on your page then post their own versions of what they think is funny on your wall

Which, in my opinion, not much of it was

Should that affect ‘your’ Spacelook account?

Apparently it does

For inciting hatred

But the kicker is

It takes people to complain about it

If enough people report your comments to Spacelook as being offensive

Your account will get disabled

But these people that report you

Are *fans*

That’s how they get to read what’s on your page

So, they’re enough of a fan to *like* your page

They know what you do

Possibly even have your cds

Or maybe attended a show at some time

But now, there’s something you’ve written that they’ve taken offense to

Really?

You’ve got nothing better to do than troll through peoples Spacelook pages and report shit that doesn’t please you?

Dad Someone told me something once.,

“…don’t let people with no lives dictate how you live yours”

So yeah, maybe I’m overly pissed off about this

And Dad others couldn’t give a fuck

Why don’t these fun police spend their time dobbing in the true trouble makers?

Like the anti-muslim groups

The I hate-so & so groups

The pedophile groups

Leave the people alone, that for 27 years years have been telling the jokes that make people laugh

Sharing the stories for no other reason, than to make people happy

Except for the ONE time it didn’t

I think sites like Spacebook should examine disabling accounts more carefully

Check out who they’re really shutting down

Arsehole, mean-spirited blokes spewing hatefilled rants?

Like a lot of fucktards ARE doing with their pathetic payback for Pearl Harbour & the whales ignorant postings

Or the genuinely good blokes that are on sites like Spacelook to connect with their fans

And maybe give them a laugh every now & then

I feel a song coming on

A love song even

Dedicated to Mark Zuckerberg Dark Fuckingterd

UPDATE: one of Dad’s fans (Hi Malcolm!) has started a “BRING BACK KEV!” page

CLICK HERE to add yourself to it & feel free to share it with your friends

This should be interesting…

If you look closely

It’s much easier to spot in this one though

Still can’t see it?

Let’s use ‘pore cam’ then shall we?

See it now?

OK, how about ‘pore cam’ with a bigger grin

I KNOW you see it now

The great-giant-gap-of-grossness

You remember how it all went down, right? (CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T)

And some of the bullshit that’s happened since then CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T KNOW THAT EITHER, ‘CAUSE WE’RE OBVIOUSLY STRANGERS)

So in keeping with my penchant for procrastinating

And because I’m going on tour tomorrow

Which is the start of lots back and forth-ing for the rest of the year

Making dentist visits hard to schedule and very easy to avoid

I figured I couldn’t put it off much longer

I went back to the dentist today to get the new tooth put in

Again

Quite the achievement since I had the original implant done in 2006

And have been fucking around with dentist visits, surgeries and cock ups since then

FIVE YEARS

And thoughts of big, scary looking whatever-the-fuck-this-is

Have helped me keep putting off the inevitable

So I put on my best patient face

Hardened up

And got it done

So I’m finally back to fully-full-on-face smilies

From the left AND RIGHT side now

It’s got me all motivated to keep on keeping on

Maybe some lipo?

Boob job?

I’m not sure if I the balls for that kinda stuff

I’m thinking I’ll just start small

Something subtle…

Like some 14K gold all up in my grills!!

To match my labia & nipple rings.