the bitch is back

Trick or Treating with the kids and their friends this year was pretty great

It was a drizzly, dark day – but not cold at all
Picture perfect Halloween weatherIMG_0601
We’d normally leave the dogs outside (in the backyard) if we’re going to be gone a few hours
But we weren’t sure how much it would rain
And Fluffy is a pussy
So we left them inside

IMG_0651

Diamond and I went back to our house a few hours later to change out of our itchy, polyester Smurf outfits, while the kids were at our neighbor’s house, where we were all meeting back for dinner

Imagine our WHAT-THE-FUCK faces when we walked up to our front door
To find it wide open **, and Fluffy barking like a nutter
And Eva nowhere in sight

Careful what you wish for, you guys.

All I could think of was, no way am *I* going to be the one to tell the kids that their dog
a) got out
b) got hit by a car
c) is never coming back
d) all of the above

While Diamond stood out in the driveway and did his best Marlon Brando in Streetcar Named Deisre, screaming, “E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-VAaaaaaahhhhh!!!”

I grabbed the keys to his car and started driving slowly through our subdivision

I stopped groups of trick-or-treaters whenever I saw them, to ask if they’d seen a little black dog

Of course they hadn’t
At that point, it was pitch black out, and Eva is faster than lightening.
If she WAS still alive, she’d be a little black-blur-of-fur darting in and out of people’s yards
Probably thinking this was the best game of hide and seek ever

I turned into a street to see a police car parked with it’s light’s flashing
jammed on the brakes and went up the footpath slowly pulled over and parked nicely, remembering at that moment to also put my seatbelt on because I didn’t want to be arrested on the night my dog died
While wearing a Smurf costume
No prison bitch was going to make a Smurfette sandwich out of me
Blue is the new orange…..no thank you

Some trick-or-treaters that I nearly ran over were close by, walked up to the car
I asked if they’d seen a little black dog with white markings on her chest
“Yep”, they said
“She’s in the back of that police car”

Part of me thought they were messing with me
But the drunk other part of me that knows Eva, KNOWS she is totally the kind of dog to go and and party so hard that she’d score a ride home in a police car
I threw open my door
Ran over to the police car and banged on his door

“Do you have a black dog?”
“What sort of black dog?”, he said
I looked in his backseat. “The kind you have sitting in the back of your car” you douche

He wound down the back window
Can dog’s throw themselves?
‘Cause Eva THREW herself through that open window into my arms

I may have cried
But NOT because I love her
Only because I was so relieved to not have to give my kids the “Your dog died and now Halloween is ruined forever” speech

When Eva got out, she wasn’t wearing tags
I know, that’s stupid….but I swear she eats them
EATS. THEM.
Hers and Fluffy’s

Today I went and got them new ones
It took longer than it should have
Because hello, how the fuck do you work this thing?
IMG_0778

You type in their name
I decided to just use her first name
Also, Evil Eva the Diva Motherfucker didn’t fit anywayIMG_0781

Fluffy is wearing his proudly
He’s such a good dog it’s ridiculous
I mean, our front door was open for HOURS and he never left
We still can’t quite believe that he didn’t leave
Just sat their, scaring the shit out of trick-or-treaters that were stupid brave enough to walk up to our (open) door with a 150 pound frenzied ball of fur growling at themIMG_0779
Eva, seen here giving me her best side-eye, hasn’t eaten hers (or Fluffy’s yet)
But really, it’s only a matter of timeIMG_0808
She hasn’t met anything, including metal chains, that she can’t treat as a mealIMG_0807
And yeah, I’ll say it
It would have sucked had things not turned out OK
We got lucky
Sooooo lucky
She’s still a little shit, and thinks the kitchen floor is her toilet
But she loves to groom Fluffy and sucks up his massive amounts of drool and slobber before it hits the walls, floor and yes, ceiling
It’s a full time job and a pretty rank thing to watch her do…. she just puts her head in his mouth and ughhhh….you know that suction-tube thing that they put in your mouth at the dentist?
She’s like a farting version of that
So Fluffy loves her
The girls adore her
In Diamond’s eyes she can do no wrong
IMG_0806
And me?
I went looking for her didn’t I?
OK, whatever…I might love her a bit
Ask me again in the morning when I’m picking up her poo and accidentally leaving the front door open

 



** Not sure who didn’t close our door properly, yes I do it was totally Diamond but it wasn’t me!

silence of the lambs, elf edition

I’m a fan of the whole Elf On The Shelf
I know some people hate them and others have WAY too much fucking time on their hands when it comes to their elves
We love him at our house, and have since we first got him
This year he got a sister, Stella
Because I am an idiot
Who needs her head read
Anyhoo….last night I posted this

Then came up with the idea of putting one of them in a pot plant (Stella)
And the other (Stampy) on a wall mounted light sconce
Yes, I may have been drinking all afternoon with my neighbours hello it’s Christmas!?!
BUT!
It’s a light we never turn on, so no danger, right?
Until I went downstairs this morning hungover as a mofo, and forgetting WHERE I’d put them, I TURNED ON THE FUCKING LIGHT THAT WE NEVER TURN ON, so the kids could find the elves more easily. So before you get all, oh-my-god-you-dumb-arse….I was HELPING. Thinking of the CHILDREN

Not 30 seconds had passed
First there was a smell
Then a little bit of swearing
OK, a lot of fucking swearing
Then there was Diamond running to the flames
Then the sound of the girls coming downstairs for breakfast
Then there was Diamond and I giving each other one of those WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!?, looks, that parents do so well
Only this was the turbo version
It was the WHAT IN FUCKING FUCK DO WE DO NOW!?!?!?, look
So Diamond threw Stampy at me….I grabbed him and I bolted for the garage to hide him
The girls didn’t see a thing
Win.
I also learnt that I am swift as all get out, when the possibility of fucking up Christmas entirely is on the line
My next facebook post looked like this

Because Stampy’s butt was charred
And there was NO way my kids, especially Macaroni, would NOT notice or question us or drive us mental with the why, when, what of it all
Rather than make up some story about how Stampy burnt his bum on the jet pack that takes him back to the North Pole every night – and have them not believe me. Because that would be stoopid and obviously made up
(Unlike the elf and his sister that show up magically every morning. That shit’s totally acceptable…derr)
I knew I had to get a new one

Except Stampy’s 4 years old now
And the new versions of Elf On The Shelf don’t quite look the same
Note to people who make this Elf – WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU CHANGED THE DESIGN OF THIS?!?!? IT’S LIKE YOU WANT US TO FAIL AS PARENTS YOU DIPSHITS!!!
I went to 3 Targets
All they had was girls
And hysterical sales assistants who laughed their arses off when I told them why I needed a boy elf. NOW, no I do NOT want you to order me one, I need it NOW.
After a LONG morning of driving around, I was starting to get panicky.
And the more panicky I got, the more I was like, who the fuck AM I? And how did I turn into an SUV driving Mum that is tearing up because she can’t find the right Elf. And who made up the rule that wine is bad with breakfast?
For fuck’s sake.
At every shop, I got better at mumbling under my breath about how I might have set our elf on fire, followed by a death stare that was effective enough that they at least tried to stifle their giggles while they went and looked for a new one for me.
Yay for Barnes and Noble
Who had BOY elves
And waited until I was walking out of the store to start laughing
Huzzah!

Or not
Because when I opened the box and saw his face, I knew I was screwed
While he looked SIMILAR to Stampy

He looked DIFFERENT enough that my kids would totally notice
See? The one at the back is Stampy. He’s smaller, has darker hair, and is wearing more blush
Blush Stampy?
Trust me to have a tranny elf with a shrunken head
Dickhead (Stampy, not me)

So you know what had to be done, right?
It was for the greater good
Don’t get all judgey on me.
It was time for a head transplant
But….it was also time to pick the kids up from school
So I’ve hidden the body parts in the garage
And officially delegated this job to Diamond
He is the fixer in this family
While I, am obviously the fucker-upper
And yes, I realise that I dodged a bullet
I know this could totally have been worse
Like, burn the fucking house down worse
Diamond’s best friend is a fireman and whenever he comes to our house, the first thing he does is walk around and blow out all the candles I have lit everywhere
So I know he is going to SHIT a brick when he reads this
So yeah, I know as far as parenting safety, being responsible blah blah, I’m kinda failing at being a good example
I get it

But I think we can all agree I’m averaging an A+ at being a horrible warning

UPDATE: Thanks to Martha Stewart Diamond, no one seems to be any the wiser!
Yes!!
Now, let’s all forget me trying to BBQ the elf, K?
I have.

But I know the the elf won’t forget in a hurry

They say that an ELF never forgets
Or is that a giraffe? 

 

friday night in felixstowe!

Friday night in Felixstowe
We’ve been looking forward to this one
The theatre here is like a second home to us. I’ve played here on my own, and more times than I can remember with Dad
Check out some other people that have rocked this stage
Pretty impressive, no?

(the young lad in the black and white pic….recognise him?)

I’m totally bummed to say that this lovely 100 year old Marina theatre, as of January, will be no more.
Sad face.
They are closing down the entire building and at this stage, have no plans to rebuild anything in it’s place.
Boo.

We’ve had so many ball-tearing shows here over the years.

And tonight Lowestoft, I think we may have topped them all.
Seriously one of the best shows on the entire tour. Hands down.

And while it’ll be weird not playing here again
There’s already a plan B in place!
I totally invited myself and the other thousand people here tonight, to some random dude in the front row Slinky’s house next year. That’s where my solo show will be, cool?

I’ll find out his address and let you all know on Facebook
I’m sure he won’t mind.

Ain’t nothing like a Felixstowe crowd!