My TWEET from the other day

And it got me to thinking

Do I REALLY break something on EVERY tour?

Am I actually that much of a clumsy fuck?

So I’ve been going back over the last couple of years tours

Trying to remember what, if anything, I broke

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, indeed, quite the clusterfuck

When out on tour

I don’t think I really break much when I’m at home & not touring

Except for maybe the kid’s hearts

When I tell them that I ate the last chocolate/no they can’t have another dog/yes, I am the only Mum they get

But on tour, WOW, I’m a fucking wrecking ball

Couches – I dropped my suitcase on it

Beds – I knocked the legs off one trying to hold onto it doing sit ups

Curtains – I was trying to OPEN them

Fridges – From trying to break the padlock on the mini bar (that I put on there myself, to tell myself to back-the-fuck-off) to try and get to the chocolate

Lamps – which are usually ugly as shit anyway, so I think I did the hotels a favour there

You name it

I’ve totally smashed the shit out of it

And I’m not a violent person either

Well, if you don’t count that time in Bali when I might have had too much to drink and some futher mucker at the bar wouldn’t take no for an answer and when I left he tried to follow me back to my hotel and I thought I was tough little fucker ’cause I’d done one & half kick boxing classes and the heel of my six inch stiletto may have got caught in his face and I had to pull it out myself but I don’t think he knew because he was laying in the gutter having a nap or maybe he was dead but either way, there was blood on my new shoe and it was his fault

But other than that, I’m not violent at all

I mean I’ve smashed things

On purpose

But only when it’s life or death

Like the time that I was in Paris with my Mum because Dad was touring the UK and Mum & I thought we were world travelers and took a little flight over there for the day only to find that everyone thought we were from England and treated us like shit until we put our (ugly) Koala broaches on to show that we were in fact Australian so the bastards would be nicer to us, which they were at the cafe where we had  lunch consisting of water and donuts ’cause that’s all we understood from the froggy menu but the donuts were grody and made my guts ache and I had to use a bathroom up the street at the bottom of a spiral staircase that was so narrow & steep I could only open the door of the toilet a smidge & had to squeeze in there and then shut the door which, after my bodily contents left me, I couldn’t get open and I started to freak ’cause there wasn’t mobile phones back then and I learned the hard way that I am a LOT claustrophobic when I am breathing in my own stench 3 floors below ground in a toilet coffin with a stuck door that I ended up kicking off the hinges in my complete panicked state only days later realising that that was pretty Wonder Woman of me and I went on to make enquiries about customising my own superhero costume in case I was faced with another near death experience as a tourist in Paris

(who knew that when I googled ‘trapped hot claustrophobic blonde in french thunder box’ that I would find this bitch acting out my nightmare?)

So THAT was totally not my fault either

I just think maybe they don’t make hotels like they used to

But today’s one seems to be fine

I haven’t broken anything

Except for when I accidently punched the housekeeping lady in the nose this morning when I was helping her make my bed because I am lovely

Which TOTALLY doesn’t count, because I didn’t actually BREAK her nose

It just bled a little

So really, I’m improving

I got an email with the subject: MEN CAN FIX ANYTHING

With a shitload of pictures attached

But as I was scrolling through the photos

I was like, dude, there is nothing in ANY of these pics that I couldn’t have thought of myself

And I have a vagina!

So here they are, in no particular order

I give you things that any (dumb arse) one, male OR female

Could totally have fixed:

You call this ugly

I call it creative landscaping

.

This?

What the fuck could be so valuable in this hoopty  crap heap, that you had to PADLOCK it?

Your kids maybe?

.

Diamond fixed the air in my car last week

After I told him that this was my ‘fix it’ plan

.

There’s no other word for this pic but stupid

Stupid, stupid, STUPID

How else could you defend, that amongst all those bottles and cables

There is not ONE bottle of sunscreen

It’s like they’re ASKING to die from skin cancer

Arseholes

.

We so needed this yesterday afternoon when Diamond was grilling for the masses

Next week, I’m going to crank out this utensil and just let the shock & awe of our guests wash over me

.

Yo, who’s the perve sneaking into my bathroom and taking pics?

They’re obviously jealous as all get out of, not only my inventive methods of water supply

But also my uncanny knack for interior design

Eat my mould Martha Stewart

.

What’s to bitch about here?

At least the dude is FIXING his truck

And probably about to be crushed to death in the process

.

Who says Lego’s just for kids?

I do, you pair of fruitloops

.

I’m not convinced that whatever this is, is even fixed

It’s a bomb, right?

.

This is just awesome

What the point of wearing a helmet, when you’re going to die anyway?

.

Another brilliant use for an empty Sprite bottle

Besides a bong

.

This is fixed?

I’d love to see the ‘before’ pic

.

Who hasn’t done this with a CD at some point?

It better not be a Jenny Talia CD though

Or I might just have to cut a bitch

.

I’m not sure a slab of concrete would have been my first choice to fix the gear stick on a car

A resin coated Scorpion is ALWAYS plan A

.

This is fixed?

And these parts, that thar letter box is just plain fancy

.

Just awesome

Although the note could have been written more effectively, like

Please do not move stool

You dumb fuck

.

Another fabbo idea right here

Go to the shop – buy meat – steal trolley – use stolen trolley to cook meat

Genius

.

And my favourite

I would jump on board if I saw this little ‘go get ‘em’ mobile limping past

The dude looks like he could use a friend

*thanks Brett