does my bum look big in this?

This is a post I’ve debated writing for a while now
Mainly because I try to bring the funny, that’s my job
Fart jokes and rude songs, that’s me
Plus there’s already enough ‘real life grownup’ stuff out there
Who wants to read that here? Not I, said the freckly midget.
But over the last couple of months, I feel like there’s been lots of little signs, or things that have been quietly nudging me to put my ‘two cents’ in.
And really, this is s a topic that gets bashed TO DEATH in the media, bloggosphere and anywhere else people can sprout their opinions
So fuck it….what’s one more point of view on it?

I don’t really give a shit about my weight
No really, I don’t
Some days I care about it more than others
But as a rule, it doesn’t affect me too much
It has taken me YEARS to get to this point
Do I care about what I look like? Sure
Do I obsesss about it? No.
I recently got on a set of scales for the first time in years. I was heavier than I thought
I’m happy to report that I didn’t get off the scales with a plan to crash diet and sign up for boot camp. Not this time.
I was kind to myself and reasoned that my boobs weigh a shit tonn each….so I’m probably the perfect number.
I’m so over trying to make that number smaller
There was a time in my twenties where my weight was always on my mind
That was also a time where I was probably the skinniest I’d ever been
Not through diet and exercise
But through not eating much, chain smoking
And shitty relationships that undermined my sense of worth

I can tell you the two things that changed it all for me
Meeting my husband
Having someone that loves me….no really
Loves ME
My happiest times with my husband are spent laughing
Not dolled up and dressed to the nines, wearing two layers of spanx
But at home, sweats on, hanging out
My idea of sexy time
Does he find me attractive? Sure
But he also loved the shit out of me when I was over 115kgs,  (yep, more than 250 pounds) which happened each time I pregnant with our girls (extra wow for a 5 foot girl)
And that was the other thing that changed me
Giving birth to our two daughters

Raising two humans (especially female ones) in a world that’s generally going to tell them they’re not perfect, worth it, or skinny enough, has me pretty determined to counter that with letting them know that everything about them is amazing
Who they are, how they live they’re lives, how they treat others and how they love…
THAT’S the important stuff I need them to know
They will also know that what size pants they wear is just not relevant, despite the images on TV, in magazines etc.. that they’ve been bombarded with since they were babies telling them the EXACT opposite
As long as they take care of themselves, and stay healthy – I could give two shits about the size of their arses

See, I can starve, diet, obsess about the body I don’t have
Or I can be sensible, exercise, still enjoy my fave foods and wine….and live the life I have now
There are so many who say it better than me, including my friend, the amazing Brittany Gibbons (seriously, check out her website, she’s fucking hilarious)
And I don’t for a minute think that there’s a bazillion girls, women, even men out there reading this, that will have it be a life changer for them
But I do know there are SOME of you that will read this and take notice
Case in point, a comment I received today:

“…you made me realize I didn’t need to breathe in my wedding dress and lose those extra kilos , didn’t diet the entire lead up to my wedding … Life is too short”

And reading it made me feel SO good, and even do a little fuck-yeah-fist-pump

We’re all different
We’ve all got something about us that NO ONE else has
WHY try and change yourself to be like everyone else
Big boobs?
Little Boobs
Wobbly belly
Flat belly
Go you!
No bum
JLo bum?
Fuck yeah!

Fuck focusing on what you don’t have….what you’d like to have
Just have a look at yourself and give yourself a break
A compliment
“Wow, I have a happy face” or “This belly may be more like a verandah, but it was also the belly that grew my babies in it”….how awesome is that?

There a people out there, right now, who would give everything to have what we bitch about
A terminal breast cancer patient would give her world to have HEALTHY boobs no matter HOW saggy they are
Every wrinkle means another birthday you get to be here for
Who wouldn’t want more wrinkles?

And don’t let all the photos you see online fuck with you
These days, it’s all about photshop, angles, lighting and filters
Case in point; here’s what a bad angle, baggy pants, and a bit of wind can do to your bum shape…
And the old me may have been bothered by the ‘fat arse’ comments that came when it got posted to Facebook.
But the NOW me knows that negative comments directed at me say so much more about the person saying them than they do about me
Do they sting a little? Sure they do
But I’m a big fan of not letting the people with no lives dictate how I live mine
Did I want to post the pic from 5 seconds later , when the wind wasn’t whipping through my willows, and my bum looked more normal?IMG_1149
Nope. Fuck Em
I know what my arse looks like
If I gave a fuck, I sure-as-shit wouldn’t be giving it to people who don’t know me, but feel the need to tell me I should lose weight
It’s ALL bout the anglesIMG_1151
But really, fuck the angles

Me, when I woke up this morning
Me, last week, face full of makeup
Good angle and Instagram filter1461029_10152098257047495_962333456_n
Just woke up, makeup free, PJs and fuck it attitude
Hair, makeup, and again….good angleIMG_7702

It’s the season of giving
The best gift you can give this year is to yourself
Give yourself a break
Seriously….you deserve it

Plus….you look kinda hot today.



Facebook-logo-ICON-02_0downloaditunesyoutube_logo[1]twitter_butto_png_ai_vectrized_by_ockre-d3hdwb63xsmjlr5i9lg2lixwqfsdd1ij.970x1000x1app widget.



the benefits of being lazy

Today we had a rollerskating party for Magoo’s birthday

Lots of her little friends came out to help celebrate

There’s not a lot funnier than watching a bunch of 6-9 year olds skate for the first time

Diamond was all, c’mon we have to get out there too.
‘Cause I’m pretty sure he still thinks it’s the eighties

And I was like, dude, you know I’ll end up on my arse and probably break my wrist in the bargain and then I won’t get to do the UK tour OR be able to wipe my own bum. So no, I’ll be over here sipping from my special stash taking photos being the responsible parent.
So take photos I did. That all turned out dark and shitty.
But for once, I actually bought the flash with me. Huzzah!
The flash, yeah.
Batteries for the flash? Of course I didn’t.
Whatevs, even in the dark blurriness, you can see that fun was had.
Then it kind of went to shit.

Magoo fell. Hard.
Macaroni fell. Harder.
Diamond fell. Oh my my God so fucking hard the whole room turned around to look.

So I am on ‘ice-duty’ this fine Saturday night.
Can you believe I actually stopped myself doing a post this morning before we went rollerskating about, ‘wish me luck’ and ‘hope our health insurance is paid up’ for fear of JINXING shit.
Gee…so glad I didn’t do THAT.

Magoo has bruised her (already turning purple) tail bone
Macaroni has a sprained and swollen wrist.
Diamond has 2 broken ribs and a big ol’ case of ‘what the fuck was I thinking?’

I am fine and working hard to not gloat on tomorrow’s hangover

Can’t wait to do this all again in two weeks for Macaroni’s roller skating count me the fuck out birthday party.





bum hole anyone?

If you went to a public toilet

How many of you would use this?

I mean if it was in a gay bar there’d be a line to use it

With a big jar of vaseline so no one gets hurt

I don’t reckon I could

Seriously, it’s too lifelike for me

There’s even hair on it

Or maybe I’ve been looking at it too closely *ahem*


I’d have to go without

Faced with this

I’d rather drip dry


*thanks Brett*