As most of you know

I’m supposed to be in the U.K. right now

But I’m not

I’m still at home in Chicago

I’ve been delaying the inevitable

Hoping that my passport & work visa will miraculously turn up on my doorstep

And I’ll race to the airport and make it in time

In reality, I’ve already missed one show

And even if I left this minute, I’ll miss the second

I received an email late yesterday afternoon from the New York office of UK visa processing

(the first correspondence from them in over a week – I have emailed them no less than 24 times and called non-stop, daily – with no reply)

Telling me it will be at least 5 more days until they process my application

This is the application that was filed online weeks ago

That I paid a lot of (additional) money to have priority processed

Couriered my passport to them – along with copies of my previous work visas, dating back 10 years

And everything else they asked for

And then some

Flew to New York to have biometrics done (fingerprinting)

All while being assured by them that if approved, I would have it in time for my trip

It would seem that’s not the case

They’re telling me they didn’t get it in time

I have the UPS delivery confirmation that proves that they did

So what, now we get in a pissing contest to see who’s right?

When really, it doesn’t fucking matter

I won’t get there in time

I have to cancel the shows

Again

I want to say sorry to all of you that had made plans to come to the shows

And to all the venues that gave me a second chance after the last fuck up of monumental proportions

Thanks for giving me that second chance

As for a third, well…I doubt it

From my end and yours

Don’t even get me started on all the work Anne has put into getting the shows booked etc

And that now, for a second time, my sound guy Dave has a week with no work, thanks to me

I don’t even want to add up how much this costs me, and others, in lost revenue, non-refundable travel costs and blah blah fucking blah

But I DO appreciate all the comments, calls and emails you guys have sent through

The funny ones have been exactly what I’ve needed

While I’m always happy to have extra time at home

Like today, being able to take Magoo on her school field trip, is nothing but a bonus

I love my job

And was so excited to be getting back to the UK & Ireland again

Even for such a short time

I’m pissed off and I’m still sulking

But I’ll get over it

It’s not the end of the world

But it does fucking suck

A lot.

I think Dad summed it up best, “……they need fucking with a pineapple”

I couldn’t agree more

 

 

Apparently

I mean, I TOTALLY had plans to post a NEW Christmas video

But then there was SOOO much stuff to do

Like….

Well, umm…

And then…..

Fuck

I HAVE been busy

I SWEAR!

Anyhoo…

Here’s a vid of Dad & I from last year

I owe you one!

So YouTube is being all cunty

And decided to REMOVE my last video blog

Apparently, the content is ‘inappropriate’

And it’s violated YouTube’s terms of use

Oh, really?

The only thing that could have caused this (in my opinion)

Would be boobs

Or more specifically, Dad SIGNING boobs

There was little snippets of video of Dad signing

And after reading YouTube’s ‘terms of use‘ and ‘community guidelines‘

I think this is what they’re referring to:

YouTube is not for pornography or sexually explicit content.

If this describes your video, even if it’s a video of yourself, don’t post it on YouTube.

So let me make sure I’ve got this straight

THIS is OK…

But this is not

This one is ‘no worries’

But this is offensive?

YouTube is FULL of sexual videos

Maybe there is no nudity

But there sure is a shitload of teaser videos, with ads linking them to porn sites

Another violation of YouTube’s policies I believe

Maybe it was the song I used as the background music to the vlog

“Spewin’, Me Beer’s Cut Off”, from Dad’s latest album

Yeah, he swears in it

But I have my own YouTube channel that I swear all over

Dad has a channel too

And according to hundreds of THOUSANDS of YouTube clips

That’s acceptable

Case in point

So really, what exactly IS the problem here?

A set of boobs?

Not sexual, being squeezed, played with, bouncing up and down while rooting boobs

Just girls lifting their tops up to have them autographed boobs

I find that so UN-offensive

Maybe I’m biased?

Am I wrong in thinking YouTube is inconsistent with it’s policies?

Would love to hear what you guys think…

I don’t even know where to start with this

Deep breath….

Here we go

I left Chicago Sunday night to fly into London for some shows

Uneventful flight made more pleasant by the old lady next to me that smelt like vanilla

Yum

Got off the plane & lined up for immigration

That’s the part where they check your paperwork, if you have any – and stamp your passport

Then send you on your way

I’ve done it more times than I can remember

Piece of piss really

Ummm…yeah….not this time

Apparently I didn’t have sufficient paperwork with me

Then the questions started

What did I do? Was I going to be earning money? What name did I perform under? Why do I travel to the UK so often?

Then I was asked to ‘take a seat’ while the man went away to do fuck knows what

He came back about 10 minutes later with printouts from my website

Pages of it

And yeah, he was holding ALL the BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY pics too

Oh, joy

Then he asked me to come with him as they ‘weren’t satisfied with my reasons for entering the country’

They took my mugshot

I tried to be all cute & pouty like Lindsay & Paris

But I’m pretty sure I ended up giving him my best ‘fuck this shit’ face

Then I was asked to sign some forms

One of them stated that, “…if I was detained for more than 8 days, I had the right to appeal”

EIGHT FUCKING DAYS?

So yeah,  I said I wouldn’t sign that one

He said I had to

I said no I didn’t

I was earning browny points left, right & fucking centre with this dude

He asked me to follow him and proceeded to tell me that, where he was taking me wasn’t really that pleasant, and a little uncomfortable – but it was where any detainees had to be held and I wouldn’t be there for long

A detainee?

Isn’t that someone that’s trying to do something illegal? Like immigrate illegally or smuggle drugs

Neither of which I was trying to do

Then he and another man took all my stuff & searched me

They took my phone, my bag, my water, my computer my TWIZZLERS, and a little piece of my dignity

I wasn’t allowed to have anything with me

This day was turning to shit at a rapid pace

So I was put in a room with 8 other people

Make that 8 men

That didn’t appear to speak english (to me anyway)

And spent most of their time on the public phone, praying to Allah, or giving me filthy looks

Oh yeah, the public phone?  I asked for change so that I could use it to make a call, and was told there wasn’t any

All the coins had been given to my fellow inmates

My roomies were fucktards

At least I didn’t have to worry about becoming anyone’s prison bitch – I was very happy to not be their type

A lady came & got me for an interview

Yeah, I thought – a woman – she’ll be nicer and we’ll get this shit sorted

Oh, how wrong I was

Immigration lady had herself a raging case of PMS – or maybe she was just born a bitch

I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt

She wanted to know was I married, how many kids, what did my husband do, why were there penis’ on my website?

It was pretty much the suckiest interview ever

Then she took me back to the room from hell – where my 8 buds were so happy so see me

Like, look up from their Korans – spit on the floor, kind of happy

So as they prayed, I sang “God Bless All the Little Children” as loud as I could

And it may come as a shock, but I couldn’t remember the the words

So I belted out an inspired (if I do say so myself) version of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F

And I know, maybe this post is taking on a racist tone

But you know what?

I wasn’t given a prayer mate

So what if I don’t pray? I totally could have done some yoga

They were given toiletry bags, with toothpaste etc

I wasn’t

But I’m taking that as a compliment

Because I smelt like a bed of roses and didn’t need one – and they smelt like moldy goats

Soooooo

Seven hours and six more interviews later

That’s right, SEVEN FUCKING HOURS

I was deemed unwelcome and refused entry

Even as I type that I can’t quite believe it

Are you fucking kidding me?

When I work in the UK, I put money INTO the economy

Granted, it’s not a squillion dollars

But fuck – I pay taxes

And this time they tell me I require different paperwork – as it’s a ‘grey area’ and subject to interpretation

Really? I would expect that immigration issues should be pretty black & white

And not subject to the whims & moods of the person that happens to be working the day I enter the country

So it could have gone either way for me

As I’m typing this from my office in Chicago, I think you all know which way it DID end up going for me

I was escorted through London airport by 3 immigration officers

All the way onto the plane

I asked to stop to go to the toilet

They said no

I asked to stop so I could buy a bottle of water

They said no

Yesterday was officially one of the most ball-sucking days I have ever had

And I appreciate there are so many people out there that have it worse

But I’m pissed

I’m pissed that I was treated like a fucking criminal, fingerprinted and all

I’m pissed that my 8 buddies were ALL permitted to stay in the country

And I’m really pissed that the shows had to be cancelled

I’m sorry to all of you that were coming out to see me

Starting today, I am going to try to reschedule them, and also add in some extra places

I guess that’s a good thing, yeah?

I’m also going to make sure I have MORE than enough paperwork to satisfy the ‘powers that be’ next time I head to the UK

Passport, work visas, itinerary, birth certificate, baby album, grocery shopping list, love letters, school report cards

You name it, I’ll fucking have it

I’m bummed I’m not going to get to catch up with some of my buds that were coming to the shows

I’ll be back though, I promise

I just need to make sure they let me in next time

Anyone know where I can buy a Burka?

*UPDATE*

Just found out that 3 of the 4 shows were sold out, which is kinda awesome – and kinda sucky too ’cause I can’t do the shows!

You know what, you guys are fucking brilliant – your comments, emails etc have been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly cool, funny, supportive and just plain fucking great. THANK YOU!

New tour dates & venues will be posted soon – but mark these dates in your calendars: 17th  - 31st January 2011

I’m going to try again!! x