I love to travel

Which is good ‘cause I do it a lot

A. LOT.

I have a list of things I hate

Traveling is not on that list

But people standing too close behind me in line is

And battling it out with the fucktard sitting next to me for arm rest rights on the plane

ARE on both the list

And both of these happen when traveling

A. LOT.

You know when you’re lining up at the airport to check in?

Or lining up at security to be stripped down and molested?

Or lining up to pee at the AWESOME (caps for sarcasm) airport public toilets?

Which flush automatically, and not always when I’m ready for it so I should probably add that to my list then

‘Cause no girl likes to have spontaneous water wooshing up her woo hoo, right?

So yeah, you’re lining up for something-or-other and then dude behind you is now BE-HIND you. As in, you can totally smell his California roll sushi breath

And no, I’m not suggesting that it’s just people of Asian decent that are the sole invaders of personal space – but I’m pretty sure they invented it

The last offender to cling to my clacker was a few weeks ago when an octogenarian Nanna with a walker, complete with tennis balls on the bottom, crawled all up in my business at the check-in line at the airport

I spun around and yelled, “STEP BACK BITCH!”

OK, no I didn’t

‘Cause I felt bad – she was obviously in the advanced stages of emphysema

I could tell from her breath that smelt like a strip club ashtray & her labored breathing on the BACK OF MY NECK

So I said nothing

Self composure: 1 The Real me: 0

Once I’d finally gotten through security (after using all my antibacterial wipes to remove Grandma’s phlemmy scmooo off my neck)

I boarded my flight and got comfy in the window seat

‘Til THAT GUY plopped himself down next to me

You know THAT GUY, right?

He’s that huge bastard that you see walking down the aisle on the plane and you slowly start making deals with God as he heads your way

Like, I will totally let the children off first if this plane goes down

Or I will tell my brother it really was me that smashed his first car into our mailbox when I was 13

Just don’t sit that humungus chunk of fat fuckness in the seat next to me

And I believe God was giving the athiest in me the bird when he sent that big kahuna to 17B

I was in 17A

Fuck

(But at least now I didn’t have to ‘fess up to my bro’)

And didn’t me and Blocka spend the next 8 hours battling it out over the armrest?

I’m telling you, I had BRUISES!

Self composure: 1 The Real Me: 1

I fly out again in 2 weeks

I have started karate classes and Mandarin lessons to prepare myself for the war of traveling

Or maybe it’s Oregami classes and mandolin lessons I signed up for?

Throw down, or a hoe down

I’ll be ready for one of them

Not sure if it’s made much of a blip on the international news radar

But here in Australia

We’ve got ourselves a new Prime Minister

There wasn’t an election

So, the people of Australia, didn’t vote for our new Prime Minister

We just kind of ‘swapped’ him for his Deputy Prime Misister

Their political Party, the Labour party, decided that our Prime Minister (up until last night) Kevin Rudd, wasn’t up to scratch

So they ousted him

Staged a revolt

Kicked him to the curb

He even cried in his departing speech

Ah, the kill or be killed mentality of politics

.

So Julia Gillard got the job

She’s unmarried

Not born in Australia

Has no kids

These things, I think, would be sure to NOT get her the job in other countries

.

The next election will decide if the Australian people are up for her style of Politics

No one seems bothered by the fact that she’s a woman

Our first ever female Prime Minister

The fact that she is a ranga has red hair

IS going to take some getting used to though

The jokes have already started

And I’m think I might even write a song for her

I will, from now on, refer to her as PM BEAKER

For obvious reasons

Now, where’s my guitar?

Diamond and I are going on a little vacay next month

To the Bahamas

I know, you’re probably thinking

How romantic

Well, all I’m thinking about is

How THE FUCK AM I GOING TO WEAR A PAIR OF BATHERS IN PUBLIC

So, because I’m so totally fucking gifted at leaving things to the last minute

Except for Christmas shopping

I had that shit done in November

But shopping is FUN

Excercise?

Losing weight?

Well, I want need to lose 50 pounds

In under a month

.

I figured I could stop eating now

And just drink red wine ’til then

And I might stand a chance of pickling myself

.

But I don’t want to teach my girls bad habits

Like eating pizza for breakfast

And swearing like a female prisoner officer with PMS

And pulling your knickers out of your bum in public

Yeah, lucky I totally don’t do any of those things

.

I was doing so well before

Exercising like, oh I dunno

At least 10 days in a row

Which has got to be some kind of record for me

There was even one day there where I broke out in a sweat

Either that, or I fell asleep on the exercise bike and knocked over my water

Either way, my face was wet

.

Then I – as they say – ‘fell off the wagon’

What the fuck does that even MEAN?

Fell off the wagon?

Why not, FELL INTO THE FRIDGE, FACE FIRST, WITH MY MOUTH OPEN?

Or what about, FELL OFF THE TREADMILL AND WOKE UP AT FATCAMP

Anyhooo

I fell off the wagon BIG TIME

.

So I headed into the dungeon basement today

Where my fiercest enemy lives

No, not the vacuum cleaner

Although I think that’s where Diamond we keep it

.

And amongst all the shit boxes and crap stuff

Was this

It looks evil doesn’t it?

So I dust it off got it started

And I was going to blast out some Cyndi Lauper & Dolly Parton really cool tunes

When I remembered that Diamond had installed a totally pathetic cute

SEVEN INCH TV for me in there

Yo Diamond – did I not get you a 50 INCH PLASMA TV 2 CHRISTMASES AGO?

What the fuck dude?

7 inches?

God, sometimes I think you boys actually BELIEVE us when we tell you size doesn’t matter

.

And was diappointed was surprised to find it the treadmill still worked

‘Cause I actually got it for Christmas LAST YEAR

And was worried that because I’d never used it that I’d left it turned on for like, 11 MONTHS

So woo fucking hoo and happy, happy joy

It works fine

FUCK

But the whole 7 minutes half an hour I was on it

I was looking around the room

And checking out all the crap stuff we have stored down there

There’s Halloween decorations

Which remind me of candy

.

Easter decorations

Which remind me of chocolate

.

Valentine’s decorations

Which reminds me of candy AND chocolate

And I’m all like, fuck this shit

I quit

So I go upstairs and am faced with this

And this

And this

I mean shit, no ones will power is THIS strong

It’s lovely that people give you all of this at Christmas

But if they keep it up, I won’t be sending out any Christmas cards next year

On account of the fact that I spent all my postage money at JENNY CRAIG!!!

.

So, to keep me on the right track

I went to my room and got my favourite jeans out

That were too tight

I figured trying to squeeze into them might keep me motivated

And guess what?

Yep, they’re still too tight

.

Which proves to me that I need to stay away from the chocolate

.

I want my money back

My treadmill doesn’t fucking work

The girls and I spent some time writing out their letters to Santa the other day

Miss 4 wanted to know why I couldn’t just email him for her

I told her because it’s fucking traditional and fucking fun and you’ll love it God Dammit Santa prefers handwritten letters from kids

So we compromised, and she dictated hers to me

And she coloured the pictures and stuck on the stickers

Miss 6  writes pretty well now, so she took care of her own

When it was time to do the envelopes she wanted to know Santa’s address

I’m like, DUH! The North Pole dummy

And she said, DUH to you mummy you fucktard it’s not going to get there without the zip code

Oh, my bad

So I just made up some numbers

That I totally have to write down somewhere

So we give Santa the same zip code next year

‘Cause you know she’s going to get pissed know if I get it wrong

And for those of you not in the U.S…

Over here when you mail a letter – if you have the correct postage on it

You can just place it in your mail box in front of your house

And lift the little red flag up, to let the weirdo that delivers your mail postman know you have outgoing mail

Then he takes it and sends it for you

Very cool huh?

I know there’s Amercians reading this now that think the rest of the world are losers for not having this in their countries

But you know what?

In Australia, the liquor stores are DRIVE THRU!

That’s right baby – you don’t even get out of your car to buy your booze

Take THAT!!

Anyhoooo

So I told the girls to put their Santa letters in the mail box, and put the flag up for the weirdo that delivers our mail postman

And Miss 6 says, but Mummy, this is WAY too important to trust the weirdo that delivers our mail postman with

We HAVE to go to the post office and do it ourselves

Translation: Mummy HAS to go to the post office in sub-zero temperatures and line up with all the disorganised losers who are trying to mail out their Christmas shit too late a gazillion people just to send 2 letters to Santa

2 letters THAT DON’T EVEN GO ANY-FUCKING-WHERE!

But of course I did it

And lined up for 25 minutes

.

I’d so better be getting that Mother Of The Year Trophy back for Christmas

Who the fuck gave it to Courtney Love anyway?