The girls and I spent some time writing out their letters to Santa the other day

Miss 4 wanted to know why I couldn’t just email him for her

I told her because it’s fucking traditional and fucking fun and you’ll love it God Dammit Santa prefers handwritten letters from kids

So we compromised, and she dictated hers to me

And she coloured the pictures and stuck on the stickers

Miss 6  writes pretty well now, so she took care of her own

When it was time to do the envelopes she wanted to know Santa’s address

I’m like, DUH! The North Pole dummy

And she said, DUH to you mummy you fucktard it’s not going to get there without the zip code

Oh, my bad

So I just made up some numbers

That I totally have to write down somewhere

So we give Santa the same zip code next year

‘Cause you know she’s going to get pissed know if I get it wrong

And for those of you not in the U.S…

Over here when you mail a letter – if you have the correct postage on it

You can just place it in your mail box in front of your house

And lift the little red flag up, to let the weirdo that delivers your mail postman know you have outgoing mail

Then he takes it and sends it for you

Very cool huh?

I know there’s Amercians reading this now that think the rest of the world are losers for not having this in their countries

But you know what?

In Australia, the liquor stores are DRIVE THRU!

That’s right baby – you don’t even get out of your car to buy your booze

Take THAT!!

Anyhoooo

So I told the girls to put their Santa letters in the mail box, and put the flag up for the weirdo that delivers our mail postman

And Miss 6 says, but Mummy, this is WAY too important to trust the weirdo that delivers our mail postman with

We HAVE to go to the post office and do it ourselves

Translation: Mummy HAS to go to the post office in sub-zero temperatures and line up with all the disorganised losers who are trying to mail out their Christmas shit too late a gazillion people just to send 2 letters to Santa

2 letters THAT DON’T EVEN GO ANY-FUCKING-WHERE!

But of course I did it

And lined up for 25 minutes

.

I’d so better be getting that Mother Of The Year Trophy back for Christmas

Who the fuck gave it to Courtney Love anyway?

Back in September I found a cool little shop in Worthing

The bloke that worked there was smoking a hookah pipe and didn’t speak English

But he had some really funky, cheap clothes

.

I found a pair of glittery tights that I couldn’t decide if they were ugly or funky

So I bought them

Actually I bought 4 pairs

.

Anyhooo

I ended up loving them

And so did a lot ladies that came to the show

Every night I’ve worn them, I’ve had women come up to me at half time asking me where I bought them

.

So when I found a shop 2 weeks later that was selling the same tights

I bought all of them

14 pairs

.

I know that sounds like a lot

But they’re only good to wear once or twice

.

The glitter starts falling off them as soon as I put them on

.

So I’ve done my own little version of Hansel & Gretel

Like they did with the bread crumbs

Well, I’ve left a trail across the country too

A glitter trail

.

A special sparkly road that leads to

Umm…

Well, not sure what it leads to

My bum Belfast maybe?

That’s our last stop

Everyone has some of my glitter on them

It’s in their suitcases

On the tour bus

Guitars, shoes, bags, speakers

That shit got into everything

We’ll be finding it for months I reckon

Love it

I’m actually a bit sad to be leaving all my worn tights behind

They’re no good to me now

I tried washing them

And now they’re just plain black tights

You don’t get much for 4 bucks these days do you?