Today we’re doing it again

Like, in a few hours

And I haven’t packed at all

I’ve been up since 2am

Because I’m a fucking nutjob

But I can’t pack without going into the girl’s rooms and waking them up

So I ironed

And I cleaned

Charged up all my iPhones, iPads, laptops and blah blah

Now it’s 4:30am

And I am ty-yerrrred!

In other, unrelated, insomnia-fueled news

I wanted to show you these pics I took yesterday

An old lady put her car in drive instead of reverse

And drove through a shop window

Luckily for her, she wasn’t hurt

And the shop was empty

Luckily for me and the girls – we were in the shop next door

So we totally dodged a Toyota Corolla bullet there

Good luck renting that place out now

I’m pretty sure this would be the end result if I let my tired arse drive a car today

Here’s hoping the pilot isn’t a fossil who should’ve handed in his license years ago an insomniac too.

But not blogging much

Lazy? Cheating?

Yup

Here’s a glimpse into what’s been going on

Just imagine you’re having a peek inside my brain right now

Mmmmm…..yummy

Random, scrambled, a little chaotic,

A lot weird

Yes I am.

Have been finishing up my schedule for the year

Northern Territory (in just over 2 weeks!)

Then straight onto New Zealand, Sydney, Japan, Western Australia, Melbourne & back to Sydney

Frequent Flyer points anyone?

Booking shows, tours and flights

Especially excited to be bringing the girls to Australia again for a couple of months later in the year

Can’t believe it’s been TWO YEARS since they were there last

It’s been even longer for Diamond

Yes, he’s coming TOO!!!

We’ve been looking at these

Months traveling around working, WITH my family?

Yes please

Lots more deets on THAT coming…

Hours and HOURS of live footage from South Africa to go through

To edit a new LIVE DVD

‘Bout bloody time, I know

Have you ever spent HOURS watching yourself on video? Pornos don’t count

Yes, it is as painful as it sounds

Looking to have a release date for it later this year

Then there’s the new album I’ve started working on

And by started working on I mean, I cleaned my desk, went and bought new notepads and pencils, put new strings on my favourite writing guitar

Then sat like a stunned mullet for over a week

Coming up with nothing

All these freaks peeps keep popping into my head

But I’m not sure I really want to write a song about any of them

And I know I’m probably opening myself for a world of cray-cray here

But what would YOU like to hear a song about?

Keeping in mind that CAMEL TOES, FUCKWITS, FACEBOOK & DAVID BECKHAM have been done

Leave me a comment and I’ll totally ignore all the fucktard ones add your ideas to my empty list!!

You too Dad!

It’s just about here!

What, you say? You spaz

THE ROYAL WEDDING, PEOPLE

THE ROYAL WEDDING

IT’S ON FRIDAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

CAN I TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK NOW?

Thankyouverymuch

So yeah, Will & Kat are getting hitched on Friday

And I, like a bazillion other peeps

Will probably check it out on TV

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to hold it against Willy

That some fucker at immigration was a complete wankstain

And wouldn’t even let me in the country

But I am starting to think it might have been a conspiracy

I think maybe, just maybe

They wanted to keep me away

Purely as a precaution

Not that I’m a legitimate threat

To Kate, that is

Willy’s not really my type

Premature balding and a fugly for a step-mum

Don’t make the package all that appealing

But I guarantee his bachelor party would have been a shitload more fun with me there

A little Thunder From Down Under

Jenny Talia style

All class with some Aussie arse

With a finale that included paintbrushes, vegemite, boomerangs

A stripper pole and some INXS cranked uppity UP

How’s THAT for a visual?

So yeah, whatevs

Me & my online bought souvineers, will be fine

I might even have a party of my own

Might EVEN dust off the special Union Jack nipple pasties

That I had made in size thermos lid to wear for Will and his hot ginger brother

Fanta pants

Might EVEN send the Prince a few pics

He’s on Facebook, right?

*for those who have been asking – I got my passport back YESTERDAY. Nearly 3 weeks after the date I was told I’d have it. Can-you-fucking-belive-that-shit?

Seriously, it’s going crazy fast

Just over a week to go

It’s been pretty shit hot so far

Except for the last couple of days

Which have sucked dick

A lot

I don’t want to  go into it too much

Just know it rhymes with U-PAY-TIMMIGRATION!

But this is where you guys come in

Because it’s pretty hard to stay shitty for long

Meeting so many fucking nutters out here

And catching up with old mates too

(Hi carol & James!)

And sooooo many additions to the wanker wall, it’s going to need it’s own bloody website

And then there’s people like Pam (on the left, in the pic below)

I met Pam a few nights ago

And her sense of humour right now

Considering what she is obviously dealing with,  is pretty fucking awesome

Sometimes we need little reminders

That life is good

And little problems, when you look at the big picture

Amount to fuck all really

So yeah they might never let me back into the UK and I’m going to be fucking spewing the little voice inside my head I like to call, perspective

Is telling me to suck it up biatch!

But the not-being-able-to-get-back-to-sleep afterwards?

Sucks balls

Big, hairy, lumberjack, balls

It’s not like I’m not tired

It’s not like I don’t love to sleep

I remember a time when I could wake up in the middle of the night

Wee

Fall back into bed

And sleep for hours

Without opening my eyes once

The whole, you-don’t-need-as-much-sleep once you get older

Is it true?

I think it should be you-don’t-GET-as-much-sleep once you get older

‘Cause I’m pretty sure I could sleep 10 hours straight if given the chance

So waking up early, what’s that called?

Besides fucking stupid

It’s not insomnia, ’cause I’ve already had 4 hours sleep, right?

Narcolepsy?

*checks google*

a sleep disorder that causes excessive sleepiness and frequent daytime sleep attacks

Sleep attacks?

I’ve been attacked IN my sleep

Mainly by midgets that call me Mummy that need hugs after a bad dream who then show their gratitude by falling asleep sideways in between Diamond & I, leaving a trail of bruised ribs and snot in their wake

What’s that other ‘N’ word?

Oh yeah, necrophillia

*back to google*

is the sexual attraction to corpses

Right then – pretty sure I don’t have THAT

Although I always had a bit of a tingly spot for Gary Coleman from Different Strokes, and he’s still dead, yeah?

.

So now that I’m wide awake

And have the Google page open for disorders that start with ‘N’

I’d like to share my gratitude for not having

Nyctophobia

a severe fear of darkness

Unless it’s like 9pm and the mall is closing

But that’s more a fear of getting kicked out of the shops before I find the shoes to match the dress that I’ll never wear but totally had to have ‘just in case’

.

Neurasthenia

Fatigue, anxiety, headaches. Americans were supposed to be particularly prone to neurasthenia, which resulted in the nickname, Americanitis

I think this would be better named ‘parenthood-itis’

Or ‘I-don’t-feel-like-sexy-time-itis’

.

Neglect Syndrome

example, a patient in a rehabilitation hospital may wake up in the morning and proceeds to shave his face – only to be told later that he has only shaved half of his face

I once was in such a hurry I only took care of ‘half’ my bikini line

But I prefer to refer to that incident as ‘accidental art’

.

Even though this one doesn’t start with ‘N’

It’s a bit weird, and therefor rates a mention

Genital Retraction Syndrome

the sufferer believes that his genitals (or breasts in the case of women sufferers) are shrinking, retracting in to the body, or may be removed entirely. It is often refered to as ‘penis panic’

I dated someone with this once

I called it little dick syndrome

You know the type girls – big car, big muscles, tiny todger.

Miss HIM

.

Relieved I don’t have any of those

Now I can sleep easy

Now is also a really good time for you to send me drugs

For medicinal purposes only

Or a Josh Groban CD

That shit will trigger a coma

Woke up to wee

My brain switched on, it does that occasionally

And that was it

Couldn’t get back to sleep

Mind you, at least my mind was working on important things like

Don’t forget to get dog shampoo

Awesome

Totally life or death shit

And then this morning

Around the 2:55am mark

I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet

Lie

It was actually the thud, stomp, crash of Magoo coming into our room in the dark

Tripping over the ottoman then my slippers

Ever the attentive Mum, I pretended I was asleep

Hard to do when she stomped her way over to my side of the bed

Put her face up to mine so that our noses were touching

She whispered in that ‘yelling’ way that kids do

“Mama, I have a cwamp in my weg!”

OK, get in

This is the part where I ask all those parents who have their kids sleeping in their beds

Co-sleeping is it called?

How the FUCK do you do it?

They say it’s good for bonding

Not in my family

Getting kicked in the face by a five year old in Sponge Bob PJs

Doesn’t fill me with the warm fuzzies

It makes me grumpy

In their own beds, my kids go into a coma

And stay in the one spot all night

In my bed they’re like cracked out midgets on a sugar high

It’s non-stop wriggling, kicking, and toes in ears

In their own beds

They’re angelic when they’re sleeping

In mine they’re possessed with the spirit of epileptic she-devils

It’s not that Diamond and I don’t have a big bed

We have a  huge bed

With tonnes of room

But as soon as one of the girls gets in it

It starts to feel like 3 squirrels trying to get comfy on a maxi pad

Not. Doable.

So once Magoo was all settled in the middle

And her weg was wubbed ’til the cwamp was gone

Diamond got up and went in her bed

I laid there and thought about important things

Like stocking up on coke zero and chocolate ice-cream before Dad gets here next week

Then I got up

It was 3:24am

It’s now 6:12am

I’ve had 3 cups of tea

Folded laundry

Made lunches

Wrote out a set list for next week’s show

Answered 26 emails

Wrote a letter to my Nanna

Plucked my eyebrows

Mastered angry birds on Diamond’s iPad

Put on an exercise DVD

Ignored exercise DVD

Painted my nails

Made scrambled eggs

Rambled on here for 10 minutes

Now I’m just waiting for everyone else to get up so I can go back to bed

It’s been a long fucking day already

Then sat here & thought…

About umm…

And then….well

Hmm….

Fuck all really

My mind is all over the shop

So maybe I should just post in bullet form

To appease the ADD I seem to be afflicted with today

Cool?

Good….thankyouverymuch

• Cheerleading. I was more than a little gutted when both my girls decided that this was THE only sport they wanted to partake in. Every week that I take them to class, I die a little inside. And the other mothers, oh yeah….we’re SO ALIKE. Fuck those women are hard work. They yell at their kids, screaming out their moves and telling them when to kick, jump, yell ‘yay team’. It does my head in. On a positive note, Macaroni & Magoo totally suck at it. Here’s hoping they get asked ‘in a *gentle, PC way, to maybe take break & take up chess, or lawn bowls. (*back when I was a kid and went to violin lessons with my brother, I was told, after one class, not to come back as I had the rhythm of an epileptic goat. And ballet classes…at least I lasted 3 classes before being told to leave & find a more appropriate sport/hobby. Like wrestling.

• Diamond & I are going for a quick trip away next month. We are currently *debating (*he’s being a stubborn prick, and I’m not going unless I get my way) over what activities to book for our holiday. His picks: bone fishing, deep sea fishing, fly fishing (are you seeing the theme here?) or light tackle fishing. My picks: reading, sleeping, massages, lots of drinks with umbrellas in them. I’m sure there’s a compromise in there somewhere. Or I’m going without him

• Clean out. I have come to the conclusion that I may have been a hoarder. 3 couches, 2 TVs, 1 bed, 13 garbage bags of clothes, 15 boxes of crap and God knows what else, have been ditched or donated in the last week. Do I feel better? No. I feel like shopping

• Chocolate. Chocolate is my friend. Forever

• I check the mail box every day. Still no necklace from Oprah. Maybe she’ll deliver it personally? Note to self: don’t eat all the chocolate, you may be having visitors

• My parents are celebrating their 41st wedding anniversary today. Imagine being married FORTY ONE YEARS….to my DAD?

• It’s day 10 of the new year, and so far, I have not broken ONE of my resolutions. I’ve discovered that that’s a piece of piss to do when you don’t make any. Yay me.

• Our Chicago show is only 18 sleeps away. And I IS EXCITED. Especially now I have my boobs back

• Mum & Dad will be here in 2 weeks. They’re babysitting while Diamond & I are away. This makes me nervous. Mum, I know from experience, will be fine. Dad, well…we might have to get him his own babysitter. That provides hooch & booze.

• The Xbox Kinect is getting an absolute thrashing at our place and was definitely the winning pressie this Christmas. Diamond loves the handgliding, Macaroni is a bit of a jet at the volleyball, Magoo is fucking scary at boxing. And I’m on the bench due to an injury. I broke a nail getting the snacks yesterday.

• 75 sleeps ’til my birthday. I want a new bum. Preferably like Jennifer Anniston’s. Back when she was in ‘Friends’

• If David Beckham keeps wearing his hair like this, Posh can have him. Plus, she’s knocked up again. And I find the thought of his penis poking her skeletal vajay-jay, quite the turn off

• I watched Jersey Shore for the first time yesterday. I liked it. This is proof that I need to get back to work. STAT.

• 347 days till Christmas.

That is all.

Over the new TSA regulations

The TSA being the Transportation Security Administration in the USA

You know, the security peeps at the airport with the wands & the (usually) grumpy faces?

Their new regulations are introducing the use of more thorough pat downs in the screening process of passengers

As someone who flies a lot

I go through airport security checks several times a month

All year ’round

Look, I don’t know anyone that loves it

But it’s just part of the deal if you want to travel in this day and age

And up until now, I’ve never really had a problem with it

I even went through one of the body scanners for the first time at San Francisco airport last month

It wasn’t a drama at all

I walked in, stopped for 3 seconds

And walked out the other side

The TSA officer on the other side got the all clear on her radio

Obviously from whoever is off a the room somewhere looking over the scans

I think he radioed in something like, “…..the hotty midget with the massive ta-tas is clear!”

But from what I understand, the TSA’s new regulations will allow their security officers to REALLY pat you down

If there is no body scanners (which don’t show if there’s any weapons etc up your woo hoo anyway)

Or if you refuse to go through a body scanner

Like, up your skirt if you’re wearing one

Feeling over your breasts

And grabbing men’s lunch box packages

All in the name of being more thorough

There’s even footage doing the rounds of a 3 year old getting a pat down that has people up in arms

I watched it – and it doesn’t seem over-the-top at all

(others may see it differently)

I’ve traveled with both my girls since they were babies

And they’ve been taken out of their strollers

Been woken up so they can walk through the metal detectors

Had the wand waved over them

And yeah, even been patted down

The truth?

They loved it

Thought it was all a part of the big traveling adventure

The only time it really pissed me off was when a fucktard in a TSA uniform asked me to demonstrate that the machine with the big battery & tubes coming from it

That was in my backpack

Was in fact a breast pump, not a bomb

I think that Diamond threatening to “…sue his mother fucking ignorant arse for sexual harassment and being a cunt….”

Got us out of that one

But I think if you do anything often enough, like go through airport security

You’re bound to come across the odd wank-stain every now and then

But in light of these new, more aggressive pat down methods

I think I’d have to ask the question before I’d let you pat down one of my daughters again

“Will you be touching their genitals?

‘Cause that is NOT going to happen”

You’d best be finding another way to search my kid

Or we’ll be walking to Australia

And while we’re at it – when was the last time a 5 year old American/Australian citizen tried to blow up an aircraft?

I know, that opens up a whole shit storm of racial profiling

But fuck, common sense would say that works doesn’t it?

There are exceptions to every stereotype

There ARE blonde, blue eyed terrorist wannabes out there

But I’d hazzard a guess that more than 90% are not

So why not make educated decisions when screening passengers?

Not just 1 out of every four

How about leaving anyone under 10 the fuck alone?

And the Grannies

‘Cause that demographic don’t have a large presence with al-Qaida, me thinks

So does my opinion make me racist?

Please

Common sense is drowning under the weight of political correctness

And if my opinion is not PC?

Then I’m xenophobic

A bigot even

I read about two women refusing to have a body scan due to their religious beliefs

They chose not to fly, rather than go through the screening process

That’s their choice

If I chose to travel while wearing any sort of baggy clothing, whether for religious or comfort reasons

That could easily conceal weapons, explosives etc

I would expect to be rigorously and thoroughly patted down, scanned and screened

I wouldn’t consider myself being discriminated against

It’s just common fucking sense, isn’t it?

I really don’t give a fuck what the PC brigade thinks

I don’t value their opinion any more than they value mine

At the end of the day, airport security is there to keep us travelers SAFE

Why not prescreen people?

Have the chip in their passport give a detailed background of each passenger

If you have nothing to hide, I don’t see how it’s a problem

I wouldn’t care – the government knows everything about me anyway

Your background check etc would give you a resulting score out of, say 10

10 being the person you do NOT want on your flight

Lock that fucker up

I’d like to think that I’d be a 1

There’s not too many Australian married mums of two, who say fuck for a living, signing up to be suicide bombers these days

At a stretch, my threat level might be a 2

But that’s more about what plane food does to my farting frequencies

Than my affiliation with terrorists

I agree that yeah, sometimes it’s inconvenient to go through airport screenings

Do we need them to be more thorough?

In my opinion, no

I think we need to be smarter about who we screen

But if I have to go through the more rigorous process, then so be it

I have no problem with a security officer just doing their job

Go ahead and fossil for firecrackers up my vajay-jay

And check my boobs for bombs

Can I get dinner & flowers first?

Which is good ‘cause I do it a lot

A. LOT.

I have a list of things I hate

Traveling is not on that list

But people standing too close behind me in line is

And battling it out with the fucktard sitting next to me for arm rest rights on the plane

ARE on both the list

And both of these happen when traveling

A. LOT.

You know when you’re lining up at the airport to check in?

Or lining up at security to be stripped down and molested?

Or lining up to pee at the AWESOME (caps for sarcasm) airport public toilets?

Which flush automatically, and not always when I’m ready for it so I should probably add that to my list then

‘Cause no girl likes to have spontaneous water wooshing up her woo hoo, right?

So yeah, you’re lining up for something-or-other and then dude behind you is now BE-HIND you. As in, you can totally smell his California roll sushi breath

And no, I’m not suggesting that it’s just people of Asian decent that are the sole invaders of personal space – but I’m pretty sure they invented it

The last offender to cling to my clacker was a few weeks ago when an octogenarian Nanna with a walker, complete with tennis balls on the bottom, crawled all up in my business at the check-in line at the airport

I spun around and yelled, “STEP BACK BITCH!”

OK, no I didn’t

‘Cause I felt bad – she was obviously in the advanced stages of emphysema

I could tell from her breath that smelt like a strip club ashtray & her labored breathing on the BACK OF MY NECK

So I said nothing

Self composure: 1 The Real me: 0

Once I’d finally gotten through security (after using all my antibacterial wipes to remove Grandma’s phlemmy scmooo off my neck)

I boarded my flight and got comfy in the window seat

‘Til THAT GUY plopped himself down next to me

You know THAT GUY, right?

He’s that huge bastard that you see walking down the aisle on the plane and you slowly start making deals with God as he heads your way

Like, I will totally let the children off first if this plane goes down

Or I will tell my brother it really was me that smashed his first car into our mailbox when I was 13

Just don’t sit that humungus chunk of fat fuckness in the seat next to me

And I believe God was giving the athiest in me the bird when he sent that big kahuna to 17B

I was in 17A

Fuck

(But at least now I didn’t have to ‘fess up to my bro’)

And didn’t me and Blocka spend the next 8 hours battling it out over the armrest?

I’m telling you, I had BRUISES!

Self composure: 1 The Real Me: 1

I fly out again in 2 weeks

I have started karate classes and Mandarin lessons to prepare myself for the war of traveling

Or maybe it’s Oregami classes and mandolin lessons I signed up for?

Throw down, or a hoe down

I’ll be ready for one of them

But here in Australia

We’ve got ourselves a new Prime Minister

There wasn’t an election

So, the people of Australia, didn’t vote for our new Prime Minister

We just kind of ‘swapped’ him for his Deputy Prime Misister

Their political Party, the Labour party, decided that our Prime Minister (up until last night) Kevin Rudd, wasn’t up to scratch

So they ousted him

Staged a revolt

Kicked him to the curb

He even cried in his departing speech

Ah, the kill or be killed mentality of politics

.

So Julia Gillard got the job

She’s unmarried

Not born in Australia

Has no kids

These things, I think, would be sure to NOT get her the job in other countries

.

The next election will decide if the Australian people are up for her style of Politics

No one seems bothered by the fact that she’s a woman

Our first ever female Prime Minister

The fact that she is a ranga has red hair

IS going to take some getting used to though

The jokes have already started

And I’m think I might even write a song for her

I will, from now on, refer to her as PM BEAKER

For obvious reasons

Now, where’s my guitar?