Diamond and I are going on a little vacay next month
To the Bahamas
I know, you’re probably thinking
How romantic
Well, all I’m thinking about is
How THE FUCK AM I GOING TO WEAR A PAIR OF BATHERS IN PUBLIC
So, because I’m so totally fucking gifted at leaving things to the last minute
Except for Christmas shopping
I had that shit done in November
But shopping is FUN
Excercise?
Losing weight?
Well, I want need to lose 50 pounds
In under a month
.
I figured I could stop eating now
And just drink red wine ’til then
And I might stand a chance of pickling myself
.
But I don’t want to teach my girls bad habits
Like eating pizza for breakfast
And swearing like a female prisoner officer with PMS
And pulling your knickers out of your bum in public
Yeah, lucky I totally don’t do any of those things
.
I was doing so well before
Exercising like, oh I dunno
At least 10 days in a row
Which has got to be some kind of record for me
There was even one day there where I broke out in a sweat
Either that, or I fell asleep on the exercise bike and knocked over my water
Either way, my face was wet
.
Then I – as they say – ‘fell off the wagon’
What the fuck does that even MEAN?
Fell off the wagon?
Why not, FELL INTO THE FRIDGE, FACE FIRST, WITH MY MOUTH OPEN?
Or what about, FELL OFF THE TREADMILL AND WOKE UP AT FATCAMP
Anyhooo
I fell off the wagon BIG TIME
.
So I headed into the dungeon basement today

Where my fiercest enemy lives
No, not the vacuum cleaner
Although I think that’s where Diamond we keep it
.
And amongst all the shit boxes and crap stuff
Was this

It looks evil doesn’t it?
So I dust it off got it started

And I was going to blast out some Cyndi Lauper & Dolly Parton really cool tunes

When I remembered that Diamond had installed a totally pathetic cute
SEVEN INCH TV for me in there

Yo Diamond – did I not get you a 50 INCH PLASMA TV 2 CHRISTMASES AGO?
What the fuck dude?
7 inches?
God, sometimes I think you boys actually BELIEVE us when we tell you size doesn’t matter
.
And was diappointed was surprised to find it the treadmill still worked
‘Cause I actually got it for Christmas LAST YEAR
And was worried that because I’d never used it that I’d left it turned on for like, 11 MONTHS
So woo fucking hoo and happy, happy joy
It works fine
FUCK
But the whole 7 minutes half an hour I was on it

I was looking around the room
And checking out all the crap stuff we have stored down there
There’s Halloween decorations

Which remind me of candy
.
Easter decorations

Which remind me of chocolate
.
Valentine’s decorations

Which reminds me of candy AND chocolate
And I’m all like, fuck this shit
I quit
So I go upstairs and am faced with this

And this

And this

I mean shit, no ones will power is THIS strong

It’s lovely that people give you all of this at Christmas

But if they keep it up, I won’t be sending out any Christmas cards next year
On account of the fact that I spent all my postage money at JENNY CRAIG!!!
.
So, to keep me on the right track
I went to my room and got my favourite jeans out
That were too tight
I figured trying to squeeze into them might keep me motivated
And guess what?
Yep, they’re still too tight
.
Which proves to me that I need to stay away from the chocolate
.
I want my money back
My treadmill doesn’t fucking work