Two years ago the girls and I did this

Today we’re doing it again

Like, in a few hours

And I haven’t packed at all

I’ve been up since 2am

Because I’m a fucking nutjob

But I can’t pack without going into the girl’s rooms and waking them up

So I ironed

And I cleaned

Charged up all my iPhones, iPads, laptops and blah blah

Now it’s 4:30am

And I am ty-yerrrred!

In other, unrelated, insomnia-fueled news

I wanted to show you these pics I took yesterday

An old lady put her car in drive instead of reverse

And drove through a shop window

Luckily for her, she wasn’t hurt

And the shop was empty

Luckily for me and the girls – we were in the shop next door

So we totally dodged a Toyota Corolla bullet there

Good luck renting that place out now

I’m pretty sure this would be the end result if I let my tired arse drive a car today

Here’s hoping the pilot isn’t a fossil who should’ve handed in his license years ago an insomniac too.

I’ve been posting pics lately

But not blogging much

Lazy? Cheating?

Yup

Here’s a glimpse into what’s been going on

Just imagine you’re having a peek inside my brain right now

Mmmmm…..yummy

Random, scrambled, a little chaotic,

A lot weird

Yes I am.

Have been finishing up my schedule for the year

Northern Territory (in just over 2 weeks!)

Then straight onto New Zealand, Sydney, Japan, Western Australia, Melbourne & back to Sydney

Frequent Flyer points anyone?

Booking shows, tours and flights

Especially excited to be bringing the girls to Australia again for a couple of months later in the year

Can’t believe it’s been TWO YEARS since they were there last

It’s been even longer for Diamond

Yes, he’s coming TOO!!!

We’ve been looking at these

Months traveling around working, WITH my family?

Yes please

Lots more deets on THAT coming…

Hours and HOURS of live footage from South Africa to go through

To edit a new LIVE DVD

‘Bout bloody time, I know

Have you ever spent HOURS watching yourself on video? Pornos don’t count

Yes, it is as painful as it sounds

Looking to have a release date for it later this year

Then there’s the new album I’ve started working on

And by started working on I mean, I cleaned my desk, went and bought new notepads and pencils, put new strings on my favourite writing guitar

Then sat like a stunned mullet for over a week

Coming up with nothing

All these freaks peeps keep popping into my head

But I’m not sure I really want to write a song about any of them

And I know I’m probably opening myself for a world of cray-cray here

But what would YOU like to hear a song about?

Keeping in mind that CAMEL TOES, FUCKWITS, FACEBOOK & DAVID BECKHAM have been done

Leave me a comment and I’ll totally ignore all the fucktard ones add your ideas to my empty list!!

You too Dad!

For those of you living under a really large rock

It’s just about here!

What, you say? You spaz

THE ROYAL WEDDING, PEOPLE

THE ROYAL WEDDING

IT’S ON FRIDAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

CAN I TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK NOW?

Thankyouverymuch

So yeah, Will & Kat are getting hitched on Friday

And I, like a bazillion other peeps

Will probably check it out on TV

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to hold it against Willy

That some fucker at immigration was a complete wankstain

And wouldn’t even let me in the country

But I am starting to think it might have been a conspiracy

I think maybe, just maybe

They wanted to keep me away

Purely as a precaution

Not that I’m a legitimate threat

To Kate, that is

Willy’s not really my type

Premature balding and a fugly for a step-mum

Don’t make the package all that appealing

But I guarantee his bachelor party would have been a shitload more fun with me there

A little Thunder From Down Under

Jenny Talia style

All class with some Aussie arse

With a finale that included paintbrushes, vegemite, boomerangs

A stripper pole and some INXS cranked uppity UP

How’s THAT for a visual?

So yeah, whatevs

Me & my online bought souvineers, will be fine

I might even have a party of my own

Might EVEN dust off the special Union Jack nipple pasties

That I had made in size thermos lid to wear for Will and his hot ginger brother

Fanta pants

Might EVEN send the Prince a few pics

He’s on Facebook, right?

*for those who have been asking – I got my passport back YESTERDAY. Nearly 3 weeks after the date I was told I’d have it. Can-you-fucking-belive-that-shit?

Three weeks into the Victoria tour already

Seriously, it’s going crazy fast

Just over a week to go

It’s been pretty shit hot so far

Except for the last couple of days

Which have sucked dick

A lot

I don’t want to  go into it too much

Just know it rhymes with U-PAY-TIMMIGRATION!

But this is where you guys come in

Because it’s pretty hard to stay shitty for long

Meeting so many fucking nutters out here

And catching up with old mates too

(Hi carol & James!)

And sooooo many additions to the wanker wall, it’s going to need it’s own bloody website

And then there’s people like Pam (on the left, in the pic below)

I met Pam a few nights ago

And her sense of humour right now

Considering what she is obviously dealing with,  is pretty fucking awesome

Sometimes we need little reminders

That life is good

And little problems, when you look at the big picture

Amount to fuck all really

So yeah they might never let me back into the UK and I’m going to be fucking spewing the little voice inside my head I like to call, perspective

Is telling me to suck it up biatch!