And yes, there are a lot missing – just like the hard drive they’re on. Fuck

Apologies in advance to friends, old and new, if you don’t see your pic here. Blame the drunk chick operating the computer technology gizmo thingies

They’re all in skewiff order, and looking at them makes me smile

And makes me want to take a nap

The Chicago Blizzard of 2011, Queensland Tour, Victoria Tour, Chicago show, Mum & Dad’s visit, New York, Japan, New Zealand, Melbourne, Granites, solo WA & Northern Territory shows, Las Vegas, Sugarland concert, Sydney tour, Bahamas, Perth with the kids, Christmas…

Some a blurry, some are not. But all of them remind me of what an amazing year it’s been.

JENNY TALIA 2011 in pictures from jenny talia on Vimeo.

I know some people are like, ugh…school holidays…bastard-damn-shit.

Not me

I miss them when they’re at school – so having them around every day makes my heart smile

Diamond & I are headed off to parent teacher conferences today

Macaroni & Magoo have both been doing amazing, so it will be nothing like the parent/teacher conferences MY parents had to endure

“….Mr & Mrs Wilson…your daughter…well..umm…where do we start?”

And the shit just went downhill from there

The only worry Diamond & I have is that WE don’t fuck it up for our kids

I’ll be on my BEST behaviour

Yep, sober AND wearing a bra

While I miss THEM, they couldn’t give a rat’s the girls miss EACH OTHER big time,  when they’re at school

They’ve been up since 5:30am because they’ve yet to realise that Mummy is nocturnal which is the time they get up every day, no matter what

So far today it’s been all about imagine-y type games. Most of those involve taking every toy they own, into another room, and rearranging shit. Now that they’re big enough to clean it up (with a little help from me) I’m like, go for it. Have fun…
P-L-A-Y! It’s better than watching TV or playing on a computer

Today’s game is called pop stars

Now keep in mind that they think Poppy & I are pop singers. They reckon that we are both like Miley Cyrus – but when we’re at work, we’re Hannnah Montanna

For adults

The fuck..?….okee-dokee then

They’ve yet to hear ANY of my stuff

I let them listen to some of the pop stuff on the radio – but they wouldn’t know what any of the singers look like

So imagine my surprise when Macaroni dressed Magoo as the pop star today

And called her BRITNEY TALIA

Considering they wouldn’t know a pop star if they fell over one

The accuracy is uncanny

It’s just about here!

What, you say? You spaz

THE ROYAL WEDDING, PEOPLE

THE ROYAL WEDDING

IT’S ON FRIDAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

CAN I TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK NOW?

Thankyouverymuch

So yeah, Will & Kat are getting hitched on Friday

And I, like a bazillion other peeps

Will probably check it out on TV

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to hold it against Willy

That some fucker at immigration was a complete wankstain

And wouldn’t even let me in the country

But I am starting to think it might have been a conspiracy

I think maybe, just maybe

They wanted to keep me away

Purely as a precaution

Not that I’m a legitimate threat

To Kate, that is

Willy’s not really my type

Premature balding and a fugly for a step-mum

Don’t make the package all that appealing

But I guarantee his bachelor party would have been a shitload more fun with me there

A little Thunder From Down Under

Jenny Talia style

All class with some Aussie arse

With a finale that included paintbrushes, vegemite, boomerangs

A stripper pole and some INXS cranked uppity UP

How’s THAT for a visual?

So yeah, whatevs

Me & my online bought souvineers, will be fine

I might even have a party of my own

Might EVEN dust off the special Union Jack nipple pasties

That I had made in size thermos lid to wear for Will and his hot ginger brother

Fanta pants

Might EVEN send the Prince a few pics

He’s on Facebook, right?

*for those who have been asking – I got my passport back YESTERDAY. Nearly 3 weeks after the date I was told I’d have it. Can-you-fucking-belive-that-shit?

And for those of you who haven’t seen it

What better day to share it with you than Australia Day

SAS Corporal Ben Roberts-Smith says he is extremely humbled to receive the Victoria Cross for gallantry but he has urged Australians to always remember the digger heroes who have died fighting in Afghanistan.

The 32-year-old was awarded Australia’s highest military honour by Governor-General Quentin Bryce at a special ceremony in Perth on Sunday.

Also present at the Campbell Barracks for the ceremony were Prime Minister Julia Gillard, Opposition Leader Tony Abbott and Defence Force Chief Angus Houston.

Cpl Roberts-Smith was awarded the Victoria Cross for Australia for conspicuous gallantry shown when taking on Taliban machine gun positions near the village of Tizak in Afghanistan’s Kandahar Province on June 11 last year.

After the ceremony, the father of two-month-old twin girls, told reporters he was “extremely humbled” by the award but every member of his unit showed gallantry on the day and they too would be recognised with honours.

He also urged Australians to remember the digger “heroes” who did not come back alive from Afghanistan.

“These are the guys who put their hands up willingly and they didn’t come back.

“They are our mates and their families live with that every day,” Cpl Roberts-Smith said.

“So I will really urge the public to remember they are the heroes, they are the ones who gave the ultimate sacrifice.”

Cpl Roberts-Smith said that in the middle of intense fighting there wasn’t time to think and a soldier’s training kicked in.

“I just looked across and saw my mates getting ripped up.

“I just decided to move forward because I wasn’t going to sit there and do nothing. I thought I’d have a crack, not to let my mates down.”

He then single handedly assaulted two Taliban machine gun positions and took them out.

“We won and we hurt the insurgency. I’m very proud to be part of that,” Cpl Roberts-Smith said.

“I think for everyone there, including myself what’s going through your mind is you just won’t let your mates down.

“You just go as hard as you can.”

He said he could not do his job if he did not have the support of his wife and the rest of his family “and they do support me 100 per cent”.

“I do what I do because I believe in the country that we live in.

“I believe we are making a difference in stemming the flow of terrorism into Australia,” Cpl Roberts-Smith said.

“I want my children to be able to live as everyone does now without the fear of getting on a bus and having it blow up.”

Cpl Roberts-Smith said he was ready to serve on the front line again if deployed.

Praise from PM

Australia’s newest Victoria Cross recipient is a humble family man who prefers to stay out of the spotlight, Prime Minister Julia Gillard says.

Ms Gillard spent some time with the family last week and saw that the war hero was a dedicated husband and father.

“Ben is actually a very humble man, reluctant to be the centre of so much fuss and attention,” she said.

“(He is) keen to also remind of the bravery of the mates that he fought alongside and also a man determined to keep his family in his protective and loving embrace.”

Ms Gillard said Cpl Roberts-Smith was one of the greatest living Australians.

“Exhibiting those characteristics: humility, mateship, love of family, Ben is clearly one of us,” she said.

“But Ben is also different from us … because he will always know as we know now that in the heat of battle he did not fail when mateship and duty called.

“And though it might have easily cost him his life he was fully prepared to give it.”

Happy Australia Day!

Aaaaaaand…

Happy 91st birthday Nanna!

x

(*story from perthnow.com)

Nah

Why just limit myself to resolutions that I’ll no doubt fail at by the 3rd day of January

I have all year to break promises to myself

In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that I will, at some point this year

Vow to lose weight

Promise myself to write more songs

Swear I’ll get started on that ‘book’ I’ve been meaning to write (for 5 years)

Try to stay organised (for more than 2 hours at a time)

Want to dance more with my girls

Really want to have a holiday with my husband

Do anything to get more sleep

Wanna kill at least one fellow passenger on a flight to somewhere

Piss myself off for all the half-finished lists I have all over the place

But

I did do ONE thing I’ve been meaning to do for like, oh I dunno

10 FUCKING YEARS

So that’s a start, right?

I cleaned out my closet

Yes I did

All 3 of them

It was so chocka block with clothes & crap that,

I truly believed would fit me again one day

I truly believed I would wear, even though they still have the tags on them years later

I truly believed would come back into fashion

Anyhoo

I finally did it

And this was the halfway mark

I also purged 53 pairs of shoes & boots

And possibly got rid of some of Diamond’s tragic 80′s jeans

Accidentally of course

The car is loaded to the brim

The local Goodwill Store is not going to know what hit them

It’ll be a tsunami of sequins, platform shoes, cowboy hats, slutty dresses, leopard print coats & pleather pants

There’s about to be some very happy trannies around these parts

Happy New Year!

At the airport

Maybe not in the exact same spot

But the smell’s the same

8 years ago though, I was with my husband

My shiny, brand new husband

We’d just tied the knot here in Chicago

And were headed to Australia to do it all again

We were hungover

We were exhausted

But we were very excited

The Aussie wedding was very cool

Organised by Dad

If you’ve read his new book – you know the whole version of what went down

I could tell you the long, drawn out, funny-as-fuck version here

But I’m possibly drunk right now

And it would help my lazy arse out immensely if you just went and bought the fucking book

Gracias

Anyhoo, my mouth literally hurt so bad from having two weddings

Not two wedding nights

You dirty bastards

I’m talking about SMILING at two weddings

Non-fucking-stop

Which was actually pretty easy

It was such a fantastic week for Diamond and I

There was a lot of smiling and laughing going on

And 8 years later, I’m still smiling

But that’s more to do with the ‘grope-fest of a pat down’ I just got going through airport security

Than being married 8 years

So Happy 8th Anniversary to the smartest thing I ever did

My Diamond

It’s not the most romantic way to spend our anniversary I know

(even though we may-or-may-not-have got in early last night – sorry Dad if you’re reading this)

Separated like this

But, at least one of us got lucky tonight

Thanks to YOU Miss (but totally looked like a Mr) airport security pat down lady

And you know what that means?

It’s that time of year when I turn into a kid

And lose my shit over everything

On an hourly basis

Decorations

Christmas Carols

Shopping

Snow

All of it

Add a little case of jetlag to that

(my body clock seems to think that 1am is a good time to start the day)

And I am positively fucking giddy right now

This is what greeted me at the airport when I arrived home Sunday

I totally busted out singing, “…it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”

And I could feel all my fellow passengers around me staring

I’m pretty sure it was jealousy

‘Cause there’s not too many five foot mamas who can rock the fucked-all-night-and-hung-out-wet look

That one has after sitting in a plane for eleventy-million hours

And still look fucking fab

Clump of matted hair on the back of my head

Melted chocolate stains on my shirt

Crusty smudged mascara

Slight limp from my cramped legs

And then singing Christmas carols like Janis Joplin with a throat infection?

I’m surprised security didn’t pat me down on my way OUT of the airport

The pure fucking hotness I was radiating

As much as I wanted to share my fabbo-ness

I thought it best I save myself for my lucky-bastard of a husband

Who took one look at me when I walked in the door

And said, “….dude you look like shit

Did your plane getting fucking SHOT down?”

We went to Great Wolf Lodge again

But this time, thanks to my iPhone, we got STRAIGHT THERE

Unlike last time when I completely fucked up and took us HOURS in the wrong direction

So yeah, this trip was already going better than last time

We arrived in time to chuck our bathers on & go right downstairs to the indoor waterpark

Once the humid stench of chlorine and children became too much

We went outside to the hotel pool

Which has a bar, so Diamond and I made ourselves comfy while the girls played

They were running around, screaming & having a ball

But then I didn’t hear them & couldn’t see them

So I raced over to the water and saw this

Miss 6 floating on her stomach

And I just bout puked on myself

Until she stuck her head out of the water and started laughing

I’m like, DUDE!

You just about gave me a heart attack!!

Do you realise that when you lay on your tummy like that, with your arms stretched out to the side

It looks like you’ve drowned?

She said, Yeah Mummy I know

Apparently Miss 4 had showed her how to do it

And they were getting their jollys by taking turns to freak-the-fuck out of the teenage lifeguard

I’m starting to get a sense  that Miss 6 & Miss 4′s teenage years might not be the trouble-free-bonding-chick-flick-filled-laugh-a-minute joyride I was planning on

In fact, I’m ‘sensing’, their idea of fun & playing pranks might just turn those years into a fucking nightmare

Which is why I’m so grateful they have dual citizenship

And their Nanna & Poppy have a spare room

Buh bye!

It’s where my brother was born

And my Mum was born

Dad?

Most people think he was born in Kal too

But as his autobiography, which comes out later this year, will tell you

He was actually born in Sydney

So it would seem that the ‘normal’ ones in our family come from Kal

And the fucktard Dad is from Sydney

Back when we lived there it didn’t have any traffic lights

Or big box stores

Now it has everything, McDonalds, KFC, Kmart, you name it

It also still has a lot of what makes Kalgoorlie famous

Because it’s in an area known as the Goldfields

You’d be safe to assume that it’s fame comes from gold

Which, technically is right:

The discovery of gold by Paddy Hannan in 1893 led to one of Australia’s great gold rushes. Since then Kalgoorlie-Boulder has developed into a major service hub for Western Australia’s active resource industry. Dominated by magnificent historic architecture, Hannan and Burt Streets provide a focus for modern cafés, restaurants and accommodation, hotels, clubs and watering holes.

The huge KCGM Super Pit stretches along the eastern flank of the twin City, pointing north toward the Australian Prospectors and Miners Hall of Fame – a showcase of the mining industry. Surrounded by beautiful forest, the golden City boasts colourful characters and culture, world class sporting and indoor swimming facilities, traditional two-up games, and the famous Race Round.

It is also home to the largest number of pubs per square kilometre in Australia. 1 pub for every 1,000 residents why de we ever leave?

But what the above info about Kalgoorlie fails to mention

And I can’t imagine why

Is what a lot of Aussies REALLY know Kalgoorlie for

And that, is the ‘knock shops’

Massage parlors, whore houses, whatever name you want to use

Kalgoorlie has shitloads of them

They’re all in a row, side by side in Lay Hay Street

As you can imagine, with a massive influx of horny strapping miners back when the first goldrush took place

There became a ‘demand’ for the services of such establishments

And Kalgoorlie remains, to this day, one of the only areas in the country

Where prostitution is legal

The brothels are also a huge tourist attraction

They take tour groups through and show them the cummings & goings ‘ropes’, so to speak

I had a private tour a few years ago at Langtrees on the strip

And the ‘private’ tour wasn’t because I went to the local Catholic school with some of the girls that work there

No, it was because of Dad

And not because he used to be a regular customer I don’t think

It was because along with all the ‘themed’ rooms as Langtrees

Bondage, sport, Asian, Romance

There is a Kevin Bloody Wilson room

I shit you not

Being one of Kalgoorlie’s most successful exports led the folks at Langtrees to ask Dad if he wanted to design his own ‘themed’ room there

He, of course, said yes

The result?

Is the Kevin Bloody Wilson WANK TANK

It’s a small shed like room out the back

For the ‘SOLO’ traveler

A perfect little treat for budget conscious – who can’t afford a ‘companion’ on their visit

Or for those who are just chronic masturbators

.