To all the boys I’ve loved before

The ones I’ve sung Bastard to

Picked on

Laughed at

And generally used as my play things when I’m doing a show

It is with (some, but not a lot of) sadness, that I regret (a bit) to inform you

That you’ve been replaced

Yep, I’ve upgraded

Please try to understand

Don’t be upset

Don’t do anything rash

Unless being rash involves sending me flowers, or food
In that case, rash away!

It’s just, well…

I call him Slinky, but his given name is Turtle (don’t ask)

Maybe it’s his cute attempt at a Pirate’s of the Caribbean beard

And the fact it looks more like four sad, stray braided pubes

Or the fact that all the shit I threw at him last night

Stuck to him like that can of Jim Beam to his palm

And he was such a top sport about it

So, for now, he is the new ‘chosen one’

Until tonight’s show, anyway