Most blokes donʼt like to shop

Like my husband

He doesnʼt hate it

He just doesnʼt DO it

Because he doesnʼt CARE

He doesnʼt stress wearing 10 year old t-shirts or jocks with holes in them

In fact, I think he likes it

I, do not

So I shop for him

In the 10 years we have been together, I have purchased every item of clothing in his wardrobe

Every pair of shoes, and yes, every pair of jocks

I donʼt mind this at all

I love to shop

I donʼt care if itʼs light bulbs, beach towels or a dishwasher – if Iʼm shopping, Iʼm happy

My husband, on the other hand, shops twice a year

The day before Motherʼs Day, and the day before Christmas

And I have returned every thing he has ever bought me

Yep – every SINGLE thing

Ungrateful? Me? Not at all

See, my boy Diamond, is stuck in the eighties

If he could have me sporting a bad perm, blue eyeshadow & a Wham t-shirt, heʼd have a permanent boner

So yeah, I do the shopping

And as a polar opposite to this, thereʼs my Dad

The person I inherited my love of shopping from

I also got his short legs & dirty sense of humour

I just thank Christ I look like Mum

But hereʼs the thing – I HATE shopping with Dad

See, Iʼm a purpose shopper

I go in with a list, a plan & an exit strategy

Dad goes in with his credit card and wonʼt leave until heʼs looked in EVERY shop

Have you ever seen someone enjoy browsing through a butcherʼs?

Oh yes he does

Camera shops, hardware stores, supermarkets and ANY PLACE that sells watches or striped menʼs polo shirts

Heʼs not fussy

One shopping centre can take him HOURS to get through

And it does my frigginʼ head in

A couple of weeks ago we were in Cairns, and had a few hours to kill before we had to be at the airport

So heʼs perusing through the souvenir shops

ʻScuse me Dad, but arenʼt those for the Japs?

I was all, hey Dad, do you really need a purse made out of Kangaroo skin or a bloody tea towel with a picture of Ayres Rock on it?

But he wasnʼt listening and had moved on to the menʼs section, where he found a blue shirt he wanted, made out of bamboo

I said, Dad, youʼve bought nine shirts on this trip already

Your case is chockers – do you really need another shirt?

This is not just a shirt, he said.

I can wear this – and if Iʼm having a bad day, I can take it off, roll it up, and smoke it!

Uh Dad, itʼs not made out of HEMP – itʼs made out of BAMBOO

Yeah yeah, whatever, Iʼm getting it anyway

Next time he wants to go shopping, I’m giving him YOUR number

You don’t mind, do you?

super stylish photos from PEOPLE OF WALMART website

How’s this one for desthpicable?

Oh man with Daffy Duck tatooed all over your junk

I don’t need to read your wedding tackle to know you’re a party animal

But it might be time to lay off the crack pipe dude

I know, great title for the post

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

On one of our many piss pit stops

We parked next to this mother trucker

It was a long, LONG arse road train

And as I was walking along side of it

I noticed all these set of legs

Then I noticed this guy

Totally trying to stare me down

And once I felt sure he wasn’t going to kill me couldn’t get through the steel railing

I ventured closer

And he didn’t take his eyes off me for one second

And me?
I couldn’t take my eyes of these for one second

That there is some MAJOR excess baggage

.

After a few minutes I decided I’d taken enough photos of his knackers violated his personal space enough

So started to make a move to the dunny before I wet myself headed on my merry way

But I felt something staring at me

And it wasn’t the porn star bull this time

It was this little dude

Check out those eyes

His brother came over to check me out too

Could they BE any more adorable?

*sigh*

Soooo cute

.

But not quite cute enough to make me a vegetarian