Like my husband

He doesnʼt hate it

He just doesnʼt DO it

Because he doesnʼt CARE

He doesnʼt stress wearing 10 year old t-shirts or jocks with holes in them

In fact, I think he likes it

I, do not

So I shop for him

In the 10 years we have been together, I have purchased every item of clothing in his wardrobe

Every pair of shoes, and yes, every pair of jocks

I donʼt mind this at all

I love to shop

I donʼt care if itʼs light bulbs, beach towels or a dishwasher – if Iʼm shopping, Iʼm happy

My husband, on the other hand, shops twice a year

The day before Motherʼs Day, and the day before Christmas

And I have returned every thing he has ever bought me

Yep – every SINGLE thing

Ungrateful? Me? Not at all

See, my boy Diamond, is stuck in the eighties

If he could have me sporting a bad perm, blue eyeshadow & a Wham t-shirt, heʼd have a permanent boner

So yeah, I do the shopping

And as a polar opposite to this, thereʼs my Dad

The person I inherited my love of shopping from

I also got his short legs & dirty sense of humour

I just thank Christ I look like Mum

But hereʼs the thing – I HATE shopping with Dad

See, Iʼm a purpose shopper

I go in with a list, a plan & an exit strategy

Dad goes in with his credit card and wonʼt leave until heʼs looked in EVERY shop

Have you ever seen someone enjoy browsing through a butcherʼs?

Oh yes he does

Camera shops, hardware stores, supermarkets and ANY PLACE that sells watches or striped menʼs polo shirts

Heʼs not fussy

One shopping centre can take him HOURS to get through

And it does my frigginʼ head in

A couple of weeks ago we were in Cairns, and had a few hours to kill before we had to be at the airport

So heʼs perusing through the souvenir shops

ʻScuse me Dad, but arenʼt those for the Japs?

I was all, hey Dad, do you really need a purse made out of Kangaroo skin or a bloody tea towel with a picture of Ayres Rock on it?

But he wasnʼt listening and had moved on to the menʼs section, where he found a blue shirt he wanted, made out of bamboo

I said, Dad, youʼve bought nine shirts on this trip already

Your case is chockers – do you really need another shirt?

This is not just a shirt, he said.

I can wear this – and if Iʼm having a bad day, I can take it off, roll it up, and smoke it!

Uh Dad, itʼs not made out of HEMP – itʼs made out of BAMBOO

Yeah yeah, whatever, Iʼm getting it anyway

Next time he wants to go shopping, I’m giving him YOUR number

You don’t mind, do you?

super stylish photos from PEOPLE OF WALMART website

Oh man with Daffy Duck tatooed all over your junk

I don’t need to read your wedding tackle to know you’re a party animal

But it might be time to lay off the crack pipe dude

And I tried to rename it

But nothing worked quite as well as fuck this shit

So fuck this shit it is

I don’t like to whinge

Lie

Yes I do

And I’m pretty good at it too

But losing weight sucks arse

Big time

And it’s my own fault

If I could just be more consistent with the whole, ‘sensible eating’ rah rah bullshit that all the skinny bitches from TV are always preaching

I wouldn’t keep stacking on the weight in spades

And having so much fucking work to do to get it off again

And there are no excuses

But between having babies, miscarriages & a love for anything chocolate covered

My size in clothes is starting to look like a phone number

And I’m done

And I’ve said I’m done before

But this time I mean it

Just like I meant it last time

And the time before that

But come on guys, we all know Rome wasn’t built in a day (but if they made it out of french fries I could’ve demolished that fucking town in HALF that time)

And it’s not just because we’re filming for a live DVD in South Africa in 2 months

OK, yes it is

I just don’t like exercising, any kind

But I do love food, every kind

Perfect recipe for a lifetime of freaking out every time I hit the scales

But I want to be healthy too

I don’t want to be the fat Mum

I want to point & make jokes about the fat Mum

Which is very hard to do when I AM the fat Mum

So far on this tour I have worked out every day, except one

But there was one day I worked out twice, so that totally means I’ve done it every day huzzaaaah!

And I just fucking hate it

Exercising is dangerous you guys

I have a workout video

A bootcamp DVD where this huge black man yells at me through the TV and counts to 8 over and over and over

And I have to kick my legs and jump and drop to the floor and jump up again and kick

It makes me SWEATY

Like, YUK!

And it makes be break shit too

So far this tour, I’ve kicked over 2 coffee tables, ripped a set of curtains and knocked the legs off a king size bed

And the noises I’m making are not pretty

But it must sound like I’m having some kind of kinky-orgy-masturbating-festival in my room

Judging by the hi-5 & the wink the guy in the next room gave me when he saw me checking out this morning

Exercising just makes me want to stab someone

I hate dieting, so I thought it would be quicker to just stop eating altogether

So I did

And after 45 minutes I got dizzy and had to be brought back around by the contents of the mini bar

It was a close call

Like today, I’m on the treadmill

Why can’t all those fucking machines be the same?

I like it whent you can just keep pressing the UP arrow, to work out the speed you want to go

But this one didn’t have it, so I had to just pick a number

And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t press 16 instead of 6 and I flew off that mother fucker like a ninja turtle having a seizure

But I got back on

And then my iPod, which was on shuffle, started playing the theme to Ghostbusters and I was all like, how the FUCK did THAT song get on there, but then my mind wondered and I started singing along, doing a little bit of a dance….who ya gonna call??

And fell off the fucking treadmill again

AAAAANNNND I don’t have a holder for my iPod, so I just stick it down the front of my sports bra but the jolt of the second fall made it fly out and hit me in the fucking nose

So now I’m limping around like an has-been boxer with a fat schnozz

But hey, my cholesterol is down

Woop-dee-fucking-doo

I just want to get to the point that I can watch myself on DVD without running from the room screaming

So if you see me with a chocolate in my mouth, please take it from me

I will probably try and hurt you

But you should still take it from me

If you see me with a glass of wine

Step the fuck back bitches – I’m not giving up everything

I even have an app for my iPhone called ‘LOSE IT’

Where I enter in all the food I eat each day and it tells me I’m still a fat ho and laughs in my face how many calories I’ve eaten

I’ve been sticking to it so far

I even went as far as NOT eating an apple yesterday because it would have meant I wouldn’t have enough calories left to have a wine after the show

Apple or wine?

Like anyone would pick a fucking apple

I was really tempted to take a BEFORE pic in my underwear and post it on here

NOT

People who do that are b-r-a-v-e, BRAVE

Me – no fucking way dude

Exhibit A

What I wanted for dinner was this

And these

Followed by this

And what I HAD for dinner is this wank lettuce crap

Again I say, fuck this shit

.

It’s probably kinda stupid even writing about it all

‘Cause I see a lot of you guys who read this

Like, all the time

And next time I do

And I look even bigger ’cause I gave up on this shit and just ordered room service no different

You’re going to feel all uncomfortable about what to say

You know what?

Just do us all a favour and tell me I look like I’ve lost weight

Even if I haven’t

It’ll be better for the friendship

Especially if you’ve gained a few yourself

That would make me happy

A good friend?

Not really

But happy?

Fuckin’ oath

We parked next to this mother trucker

It was a long, LONG arse road train

And as I was walking along side of it

I noticed all these set of legs

Then I noticed this guy

Totally trying to stare me down

And once I felt sure he wasn’t going to kill me couldn’t get through the steel railing

I ventured closer

And he didn’t take his eyes off me for one second

And me?
I couldn’t take my eyes of these for one second

That there is some MAJOR excess baggage

.

After a few minutes I decided I’d taken enough photos of his knackers violated his personal space enough

So started to make a move to the dunny before I wet myself headed on my merry way

But I felt something staring at me

And it wasn’t the porn star bull this time

It was this little dude

Check out those eyes

His brother came over to check me out too

Could they BE any more adorable?

*sigh*

Soooo cute

.

But not quite cute enough to make me a vegetarian

Ummm, I shop at Walmart

And wear my favourite clothes until they fall to pieces

So that kinda tells you how trendy I’m not I am

The main thing I’ve never understood is the whole fashion show scene

You know, where completely anorexic 13 year old girls parade their wares?

And they just make me feel bad for them

Like I should share my lunch with them

Buy your own bitches

Why do they put them in the weirdest bloody outfits?

That cost a fortune

Who fucking buys it?

Except maybe Lady Gaga

.

.

But finally, some good news

Fashion that “I GET”

That makes sense

That I would totally buy

For my husband

DICK PANTS!

Fuckin’ A I say

Now us girls no longer have to sneak peaks at the boys’ lunchboxes

Make ‘em wear ‘em on the OUTSIDE

‘Cause I’m all about judging a man by the size of his baby maker book by it’s cover

And have been back more times than I can remember since then

I love it there

The people, the food

And even the cold weather

We’ve always had a good time

And rip-roaring-ball-tearing shows

So why is it then

In all that time, have I never seen this?

Or this?

I’m alright not having seen this though

Even the Queen got a perve

Am I going to the wrong spots

Where do these boys hang out?

With their cute little skirts

That they’re ‘free-balling’ underneath

THIS is a dude that needs to be covering his shit up with a kilt

And remember this freaky fucker dude?

I’m going to buy him a kilt the next time I’m in Scotland

Do they come in extra long?

.

.

.

thanks Ang!

Dad’s been as  sick as a dog this past week

He’s been a complete champ and not missed a show

The good news?

He’s pretty much back to normal

And today he wanted to prove his point by stopping for coffee

Ans we’re all like, sure princess, you can have coffee

But we were a bit worried about him having ‘big boy’ coffee

’cause he’s had the shits all week

So I bought him a special one

And he had no idea that we’d bought him the you’ve had the shits all week pussy version mini cup

And he was so excited to be able to drink coffee again

Until I reminded him that he was a pussy showed him what the big kids were drinking

And he puts his best, “What is this fuckery?” face on

Like he wants his money back or somehting

But we stopped him from spazzing out sorted him out

And he was good to go

Until we stopped for brekky

And he bolted out of the car

And ordered his food before we could catch up to him

And check the little smart bastard him out

BAKED BEANS for Chirst’s sake

He calls it confidence

I call it pushing his luck!

Smart boy that Diamond

There’s not too many things that the blokes can do that us sheilas can’t have a crack at these days

And the few things that they CAN do, that maybe we don’t give a shit about can’t do as well

Well I’m OK with them notice how I can’t think of any?

That can be their reward for having to walk around with those ball bags in their pants

That can’t be comfortable, surely?

Judging by how often I see men playing with their nuts ‘adjusting’ themselves

I’d say having knackers isn’t that comfy at ALL

Anyhooo

In news sure to make men even grumpier

Especially the ones who get laid almost never from their wives

They’ll say

I’ve had sex 3 times in the last 3 years

And now we have 3 kids

I hate to tell you this mate, but you’re about to go down to ZERO

Yep

We don’t need to horizontal folkedance to get ourselves a belly full of arms and legs any more

You can just hand over the sperm

In a cup preferably

And we’ll take it from there

Because now scientists can make an embryo from a sperm and an egg

That’s right, make the baby in the lab

Oh the possibilities

You’d get all these women paying for CUTE BOYS SPERM, just so they’d have a cute baby

But it does kind of take the fun out of it a bit though, don’t you think?

‘Cause while I KNOW David Beckham and I would make totally perfect little humans

I don’t want to have it made for me

I want to make it myself

WITH DAVID

And then I’d tell Diamond the scientists did it

*evil cackle*

.

.

Nah, I’d rather have Diamond’s baby

We do have a pretty good track record of making cute ones you know

So if I decide I want to have another baby, and Diamond keeps running away doesn’t

I can do it without him

I’ll just need to get hold of some of his sperm

How hard could that be?

.

.

FUCK!

Wish I’d thought about this BEFORE I washed my hair this morning

And just when I start to get fatter forget and maybe put on a few too many pounds

It sneaks right up and smacks me in the mouth with it hideousness and reminds me

Parent time

That’s right, spending time with my parents

The weight just falls off

Not sure if this applies to everyone’s Mum and Dad

I’m pretty sure it’s just my dysfunctional ones it’s probably just mine

Conversation over lunch today

Mum: We got all the laundry done

Dad: Well I may not have been there, but I was helping

Me: How’s that?

Dad: I’m conserving clothes

Mum & Me: He’s talking like a crazy man again What?

Dad: I still have my PJ’s on

Mum & Me: What?

Dad: I only got out of bed a little while ago and I figured I’ll have a shower when I get back from lunch and get ready for work

Me: ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

Dad: So I thought I’d save on washing and leave on my boxers that I sleep in ’til after my shower

Mum: So you don’t have any jocks on?

Me: Oh God

Dad: Nope. I’m free balling

Me: **fingers in ears rocking back and forth**

Mum: Isn’t that uncomfortable?

Dad: Nah – there’s a little bit of clanging around going on down there but I kind of like it

Mum: **giggles**

And this is when I pushed my plate of pasta away ’cause I was going to chuck

JUST. FUCKING. WRONG.

I bet you *shuddered* just reading it