Or a hand made cake for his birthday this year

Either way….c-a-k-e!

With cream in it.

We went last time they were in Sydney two years ago

And they still talk about it all the time

It’s been  one of the things they’ve been looking forward to the most about this trip

Macaroni was straight on her horse Brandy

So at ease

Then Magoo got on

And like last time

She shat herself

Possibly even worse than last time

She was trembling

I’m talking TER-I-FIED

Mum & Dad had to hold her for the first 5 minutes

She was shaking with fear

Mum was promising her all sorts of treats to just stay on

Dad was trying to explain getting out of her “comfort zone”

Obviously, Mum was making more sense

And she stayed on the horse

They had a brief little training session in the arena

Where Macaroni started riding without holding the reins and steering her horse with her legs

She was in heaven

With THE biggest grin on her face the whole time

Then Magoo started to relax

It was easy to tell when she got comfortable

She started talking about farting and pulling on her horses ears

The very cool, and unbelievably patient girls that were working with the kids

Decided that the girls were ready to head over to the big park

Where Macaroni was so impressed that all the cars had to stop for them

And just to make Magoo 100% comfortable

She saw this lady trot past and said,

Oh my goodness Mummy – that lady is like, ONE HUNDRED and she is riding her horse and not even having a HEART ATTACK or dying or ANYTHING. I’m only 5 Mummy, so I can TOTALLY do this

She yelled that out so loud that the old lady, and her horse

Turned around so quickly they both nearly broke their necks

That’s my girl

It was such a great way to spend our morning

Despite the fact that it was a lot like exercise trying to keep up with them

Nanna & Poppy didn’t let them out of their sight

While I may have copped a squat on a park bench and called Diamond for a chat

Anyhoo – they both did a great job

For a couple of city kids

Dad was quick to tell them just how proud he was of them

Particularly Magoo

For stepping out of her comfort zone

And she was all,

I know Poppy. I stepped on the horse and didn’t hurt my comfort bone

So cough up the treats already, dude.

It’s just about here!

What, you say? You spaz

THE ROYAL WEDDING, PEOPLE

THE ROYAL WEDDING

IT’S ON FRIDAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

CAN I TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK NOW?

Thankyouverymuch

So yeah, Will & Kat are getting hitched on Friday

And I, like a bazillion other peeps

Will probably check it out on TV

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to hold it against Willy

That some fucker at immigration was a complete wankstain

And wouldn’t even let me in the country

But I am starting to think it might have been a conspiracy

I think maybe, just maybe

They wanted to keep me away

Purely as a precaution

Not that I’m a legitimate threat

To Kate, that is

Willy’s not really my type

Premature balding and a fugly for a step-mum

Don’t make the package all that appealing

But I guarantee his bachelor party would have been a shitload more fun with me there

A little Thunder From Down Under

Jenny Talia style

All class with some Aussie arse

With a finale that included paintbrushes, vegemite, boomerangs

A stripper pole and some INXS cranked uppity UP

How’s THAT for a visual?

So yeah, whatevs

Me & my online bought souvineers, will be fine

I might even have a party of my own

Might EVEN dust off the special Union Jack nipple pasties

That I had made in size thermos lid to wear for Will and his hot ginger brother

Fanta pants

Might EVEN send the Prince a few pics

He’s on Facebook, right?

*for those who have been asking – I got my passport back YESTERDAY. Nearly 3 weeks after the date I was told I’d have it. Can-you-fucking-belive-that-shit?

You know,

Right BACK at ya!

BACK in the saddle

BACK that thang up

Put your BACK into it

PayBACKs are a bitch

I’ve got your BACK

There never seems to be any about the FRONT

I might make one up

Like holy-fucking-FRONTAGE-batman!

*Diamond was looking over my shoulder and saw the first pic and got all excited with his bad-self, until he saw the 2nd pic and ran away screaming and scratching at his eyes. So awesome.

A H-U-G-E day

It’s the big playoff football game between forever rivals

The Chicago Bears & The Green Bay Packers

If the Bears win this one, they’re going to the Superbowl

Which they haven’t won since 1985

That’s when this suberb video was made

So it’s kinda a big deal ’round these parts

Especially in our house

Both girls have their Bear’s jerseys on

We even got out our Bear’s bathtowels

With glitter on them? (oh Magoooo….)

Bear’s soap

Even the Fluffinator has to wear his Bear’s hat

Until he gets it off and eats it

The girls dress their toys up

Stick up homemade Bear’s decorations

We even crank out Diamond’s beloved Bear’s blanket

That was his Grandmas

And is older than him (which makes it pretty o-l-d)

We’ve got Bear’s deck chairs

Even though it’s a tad nippily to be outside sitting on anyone’s deck

I only have to look out our window to see our neighbours are getting in the spirit too

Diamond’s been wearing his jersey all year

But today’s the first day I’ve worn mine this year

So they’d better win

Or you KNOW who’s going to get the blame…

UPDATE: Bears lost. I’m burning the fucking shirt

But not like LAST WEEK’S WOMEN

This week’s woman at least has some PENES

Well no…hang on…she doesn’t actually HAVE DICKS & BALLS

She just has tattoos of DICKS & BALLS

Why?

Who the fuck knows really

Why would anyone choose to cover themselves in tattoos of baby makers & scrotums?

Especially a Nanna

I’m just glad she’s not my Nanna

(even though I’m sure she’s totally lovely and can knit the shit out of a scarf)

My family is dysfunctional enough

Without having my grandmother’s bald, dick-covered dome adding to the crazy

* If you’re really missing the MEN of BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY, feel free to CLICK HERE - that should cure you! (warning: you can’t UN-see it!)

And I don’t know about you, but it’s starting to feel a little anticlimactic, don’t you think?

I just really think that once you’ve seen THIS (click at your own risk)

Everything else just pales in comparison really

I mean I give this guy an A for effort

I bet he’s even got a job where he wears a long sleeve shirt & shorts….postman?

And no one is any the wiser that underneath all that

His scrotum is black with ink and pierced

On closer observation, it’s not a very big piercing and it would have needed too much ink

And I hate to say it, but once you’ve seen a BUTTERFLIED PENIS

All other wieners just come off as wannabes

Nice try though mate…

OK, so experiencing any food, anywhere is completely fine with me

Especially food I didn’t have to cook

I’ll try whatever’s going

Except monkey glands

You hear that South Africa?

While I love your people, culture and amazeballs wild life parks

I refuse to chew on a chimps scrotum

What about that sounds enticing to you?

‘Cause to me, it paints a picture of some whackjob in a chef’s hat – a hundred screaming primates – and a pair of hedge trimmers

Ouch

And yuk

Our waiter at one restaurant ASSURED me that it didn’t ‘really’ mean there were ‘actual’ monkey glands in the food

It’s just what the food was called

Wah?

That’s like serving up chocolate fudge slice

And calling it POO CAKE

Why would you do that?

You should try and ‘woo’ the tourists with your local cuisine

Disguise the grody shit you’re trying to serve up

Monkey gland soup?

Why not just call it, Mendella Meat Ball Soup?

I would totally try that

Cause I’m into soup and politics

Yeah, you really need to work on your menu descriptions

Some of us (ie; me) foreigners are a bit squeamish about the weird stuff

I don’t need to know ALL the deets about what I am about to partake in

‘Cause really, the idea of monkey gland soup makes me gag like a teenager giving her first blow job

Speaking of headjobs

I have a hot date tonight, with my husband Diamond, at a cool new restaurant by our house

Apparently they have fresh Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu

Which is another yummy sounding dish I’ve never tried

Diamond says that they’re really bull testicles

I told him to shut the fuck up

Like my husband

He doesnʼt hate it

He just doesnʼt DO it

Because he doesnʼt CARE

He doesnʼt stress wearing 10 year old t-shirts or jocks with holes in them

In fact, I think he likes it

I, do not

So I shop for him

In the 10 years we have been together, I have purchased every item of clothing in his wardrobe

Every pair of shoes, and yes, every pair of jocks

I donʼt mind this at all

I love to shop

I donʼt care if itʼs light bulbs, beach towels or a dishwasher – if Iʼm shopping, Iʼm happy

My husband, on the other hand, shops twice a year

The day before Motherʼs Day, and the day before Christmas

And I have returned every thing he has ever bought me

Yep – every SINGLE thing

Ungrateful? Me? Not at all

See, my boy Diamond, is stuck in the eighties

If he could have me sporting a bad perm, blue eyeshadow & a Wham t-shirt, heʼd have a permanent boner

So yeah, I do the shopping

And as a polar opposite to this, thereʼs my Dad

The person I inherited my love of shopping from

I also got his short legs & dirty sense of humour

I just thank Christ I look like Mum

But hereʼs the thing – I HATE shopping with Dad

See, Iʼm a purpose shopper

I go in with a list, a plan & an exit strategy

Dad goes in with his credit card and wonʼt leave until heʼs looked in EVERY shop

Have you ever seen someone enjoy browsing through a butcherʼs?

Oh yes he does

Camera shops, hardware stores, supermarkets and ANY PLACE that sells watches or striped menʼs polo shirts

Heʼs not fussy

One shopping centre can take him HOURS to get through

And it does my frigginʼ head in

A couple of weeks ago we were in Cairns, and had a few hours to kill before we had to be at the airport

So heʼs perusing through the souvenir shops

ʻScuse me Dad, but arenʼt those for the Japs?

I was all, hey Dad, do you really need a purse made out of Kangaroo skin or a bloody tea towel with a picture of Ayres Rock on it?

But he wasnʼt listening and had moved on to the menʼs section, where he found a blue shirt he wanted, made out of bamboo

I said, Dad, youʼve bought nine shirts on this trip already

Your case is chockers – do you really need another shirt?

This is not just a shirt, he said.

I can wear this – and if Iʼm having a bad day, I can take it off, roll it up, and smoke it!

Uh Dad, itʼs not made out of HEMP – itʼs made out of BAMBOO

Yeah yeah, whatever, Iʼm getting it anyway

Next time he wants to go shopping, I’m giving him YOUR number

You don’t mind, do you?

super stylish photos from PEOPLE OF WALMART website

Oh man with Daffy Duck tatooed all over your junk

I don’t need to read your wedding tackle to know you’re a party animal

But it might be time to lay off the crack pipe dude