I can’t remember if Diamond said he wanted a hand held cake for his birthday this year

Or a hand made cake for his birthday this year

Either way….c-a-k-e!

With cream in it.

Took the girls horse riding yesterday

We went last time they were in Sydney two years ago

And they still talk about it all the time

It’s been  one of the things they’ve been looking forward to the most about this trip

Macaroni was straight on her horse Brandy

So at ease

Then Magoo got on

And like last time

She shat herself

Possibly even worse than last time

She was trembling

I’m talking TER-I-FIED

Mum & Dad had to hold her for the first 5 minutes

She was shaking with fear

Mum was promising her all sorts of treats to just stay on

Dad was trying to explain getting out of her “comfort zone”

Obviously, Mum was making more sense

And she stayed on the horse

They had a brief little training session in the arena

Where Macaroni started riding without holding the reins and steering her horse with her legs

She was in heaven

With THE biggest grin on her face the whole time

Then Magoo started to relax

It was easy to tell when she got comfortable

She started talking about farting and pulling on her horses ears

The very cool, and unbelievably patient girls that were working with the kids

Decided that the girls were ready to head over to the big park

Where Macaroni was so impressed that all the cars had to stop for them

And just to make Magoo 100% comfortable

She saw this lady trot past and said,

Oh my goodness Mummy – that lady is like, ONE HUNDRED and she is riding her horse and not even having a HEART ATTACK or dying or ANYTHING. I’m only 5 Mummy, so I can TOTALLY do this

She yelled that out so loud that the old lady, and her horse

Turned around so quickly they both nearly broke their necks

That’s my girl

It was such a great way to spend our morning

Despite the fact that it was a lot like exercise trying to keep up with them

Nanna & Poppy didn’t let them out of their sight

While I may have copped a squat on a park bench and called Diamond for a chat

Anyhoo – they both did a great job

For a couple of city kids

Dad was quick to tell them just how proud he was of them

Particularly Magoo

For stepping out of her comfort zone

And she was all,

I know Poppy. I stepped on the horse and didn’t hurt my comfort bone

So cough up the treats already, dude.

For those of you living under a really large rock

It’s just about here!

What, you say? You spaz

THE ROYAL WEDDING, PEOPLE

THE ROYAL WEDDING

IT’S ON FRIDAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE

CAN I TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK NOW?

Thankyouverymuch

So yeah, Will & Kat are getting hitched on Friday

And I, like a bazillion other peeps

Will probably check it out on TV

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to hold it against Willy

That some fucker at immigration was a complete wankstain

And wouldn’t even let me in the country

But I am starting to think it might have been a conspiracy

I think maybe, just maybe

They wanted to keep me away

Purely as a precaution

Not that I’m a legitimate threat

To Kate, that is

Willy’s not really my type

Premature balding and a fugly for a step-mum

Don’t make the package all that appealing

But I guarantee his bachelor party would have been a shitload more fun with me there

A little Thunder From Down Under

Jenny Talia style

All class with some Aussie arse

With a finale that included paintbrushes, vegemite, boomerangs

A stripper pole and some INXS cranked uppity UP

How’s THAT for a visual?

So yeah, whatevs

Me & my online bought souvineers, will be fine

I might even have a party of my own

Might EVEN dust off the special Union Jack nipple pasties

That I had made in size thermos lid to wear for Will and his hot ginger brother

Fanta pants

Might EVEN send the Prince a few pics

He’s on Facebook, right?

 

*for those who have been asking – I got my passport back YESTERDAY. Nearly 3 weeks after the date I was told I’d have it. Can-you-fucking-belive-that-shit?

 

There are so many sayings and quotes about BACKS

You know,

Right BACK at ya!

BACK in the saddle

BACK that thang up

Put your BACK into it

PayBACKs are a bitch

I’ve got your BACK

There never seems to be any about the FRONT

I might make one up

Like holy-fucking-FRONTAGE-batman!

 

*Diamond was looking over my shoulder and saw the first pic and got all excited with his bad-self, until he saw the 2nd pic and ran away screaming and scratching at his eyes. So awesome.