I found out at Saturday’s show

That there’s a lot of people who I *neverfuckingbelievedeverEVER would read this blog (*think my kid’s school teachers, neighbours)

DO read this blog

This is probably one of the days they shouldn’t

And if you ARE reading this, Mrs Jacky or Mr Tunney

Please feel free to skip the rest of this post

And go to a happy, G RATED blog

And for everyone else…

How the fuck are ya?

I know you’ve all been missing the ol’ BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAYS

But in  fairness

There really hasn’t been anything worth posting

Lots of pics of tattoos OF penes

Not so many of tattoos ON penes themselves

No new vajay-jay tatts either

Sorry if that makes you sad

Be sure to tell your therapist it’s my fault

Anyhoo

I do have a new pic

But I’m pretty sure it a penis we’ve seen before

Just a different angle?

Feel free to let me know

I’m trying not to look at it too closely

I used up all my eye-ball bleach the first time I saw it

Why helloo thar!

It’s been a while, no?

And I know you’re probably going through BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY withdrawals

It’s not even a shortage of penis pics

That’s kept me from posting

Believe me, they’re everywhere

I don’t look for them now

YOU all send them TO me

Thanks?

As we’re nearing to that time of year

When we all get gussied up in our best duds

And head out to paint the down

And ring in the new year

What, you don’t do that?

OK, me neither

So really, it’s getting to that time of year

When you stay home

But try really hard to stay up until midnight to watch the clock strike 12

And you fail

Just like last year

Anyhoo

Whatever your plans this New Year’s Eve

Put a bit of extra effort into your appearance

Especially you fellas out there

May I suggest you start with your wedding tackle?

Something as *huge* as that trouser snake probably needs all the accessories he can get

A case of “less it TOTALLY NOT more” right there

And ladies

Don’t forget to add a little bling to your badgers

Try to to get in crystals caught in your camel toes though, ok?

We’ve just finished two nights in Albany, Western Australia

Well, I’ve finished

Dad’s still on stage

Not quite finished yet

Hah!

I win?

Anyhoo

Albany is awesome

A beautiful part of the world

I used to be mad at Albany

‘Cause my best friend when I was 7 moved here from Kalgoorlie

And I was pissed about it for 10 years

I’ve always been rational like that

I think someone forgot to let Albany know that summer’s on

It’s been a bit nipply here

But nowhere near as nipply as it is at home right now

Am I right Chicago?

I win again?

Anyhoo…

That means I only have 3 more shows left this year

Tomorrow and Saturday at the Burswood with Dad

Then I’m finishing off on Sunday at the Ravenswood

With a solo show

My 123rd show of 2010

I’m anticipating it might turn out to be quite the ball-tearer

So if someone could please just drop me at the airport after the show

I’d appreciate it

And could you make sure I have my passport too?

Ta-very-much

.

And for those of you that don’t give a flying fuck about the shows

And really don’t love me at all

Who are just here for BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY

Bastards

You won’t leave unrewarded

Bastards

I promise

Bastards

Do you feel rewarded?

Bastards

I feel a bit sick

Hey ho there peeps!

How’s it?

Yeah-yeah, I realize half of you are just going to scroll straight down to the dick pic

Go ahead

The rest of us (ie; those who love me not just for my penes) will carry on, shall we?

So last night’s show was awesome!

Sold out in Woy Woy

We got to meet a gorgeous little fan before the show

Shauna

Signed her guitar for her

And while Dad *pretended* to go find her one of his guitar picks

The rest of the crew, one at a time

Would sneak up to her and say, “….psstt…here’s one of Kev’s picks, but don’t tell him I gave it to you..!“

Poor kid was so torn

Excited to be getting some of Dad’s personal cool looking new picks

But struggling with the fact that she thought we were stealing them to give to her

She was putting them inside her pants

Until she gave herself such a wedgie

And her face was bright red with guilt

That she ‘fessed up and tried to give them back to Dad

But once we let her know we were just playing silly buggers and it was Dad who started it

She had the biggest giggle about it

Such a cutie

…..

In other news

Which some of you no doubt already know about

So yeah, 2 girls stole our stuff from backstage

While we were all in the foyer after the show signing cds & saying G’day to everyone

They’ve been identified, they were captured by 4 different security cameras at the venue

Geniuses as well as thieves, weren’t they?

I actually remember meeting them earlier in the night

And I’m not even joking when I tell you,

If their vajay-jays were as big as their mouths

Their guts would have dropped out

I mean that in the nicest possible way

Of course

We could stay angry about it

But at the end of the day, I’m not going to get 2 skanky hoes ruin what was, up until that point, one of the best nights of the entire tour

Woy Woy is a beautiful place, and the fans there were so brilliant to us

A lot of your responses to my Twitter & Facebook posts about it mentioned karma

And I reckon your right

What goes around comes around

But my fave message was “….may the fleas of a thousand camels infest their crotches, and their arms be too short to scratch them”

Gold

I’m hoping to get a copy of the security tape so I can include their lovely mugs on my video blog for this tour

Wouldn’t that be fucking AWESOME?

……..

Let’s go to our happy place shall we?

Well, not REALLY our happy place

More like the place that makes us gag a little

And feel superior in our normalcy

‘Cause we’re ALL SO NORMAL AREN’T WE?

Bwahahaha

You remember our little SLICED UP SLUGGY FRIEND

(oh yeah, don’t click on the above link if you are at work, eating, or prone to nightmares)

From a few weeks ago?

Good news you guys…

I found his DAD!!

Now I just need to find his Mum

And his sister

Maybe there’s some cousins out there somewhere too…