I saw these really cute books the other day

And bought one for each of the girls

I have to fill them in – I figured it’s something that I could do on some of the longer car rides this tour

And then I had a total brain fart

YOU GUYS could help me!

Are you in?

Of course you are

I’ll even make it multiple choice for all the slowies

A) all of the above

B) a tiger, because  breastfeeding you, nearly wore my nipples out

C) a monkey, because you’re so cute & cuddly

A) the way you walk around the house in your underwear or naked. All. The. Time.

B) when you laugh to yourself, at absolutely nothing. All. The. Time and you’ll probably need to medicated when you reach your teens

C) when you come and lay on the end of my bed in the mornings, just so you can “….be right there when you wake up Mummy”

A) how the fuck did THAT come out of ME?

B) why does your head look like a pyramid?

C) that I would love you, so fiercely & unconditionally, every day for the rest of my life

A) nose picking

B) farting in restaurants

C) making your Mummy proud

A) get a really good paying job ’cause your parents want to live in a fancy nursing home with a spa room & a view

B) learn patience because people are really fucking stupid

C) have babies. Have 2 of them. I promise you it will be THE best thing you EVER do.

x

…are unbelievable

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?

5 years ago I was a Mum of a 2 year old daughter

I was slowly getting the hang of the whole ‘parenting’ thing

It didn’t come easily

I struggled a lot in the early days

I wouldn’t change any of that, given the chance

Because when I finally DID start to get my shit together

I felt that I’d EARNT it

And I appreciated the hell out of it

This little girl that called me Mama

The best thing that ever happened to me

Besides her Daddy

When all was finally right with my world

We decided to ‘do it again’

Make our little girl a ‘big sister’

I finally had a handle on being a Mum

So bring on number 2

I’ve got this licked

And oh my God

Along came another little girl

Who rocked my world

Everything I knew about parenting

Was fucking useless with this kid

She was a force of nature

She ate constantly

And breastfeeding her was akin to feeding a rabid tiger cub

Eight times a day!

And the homemade food that I religiously fed her sister

No way dude

Give me the crap in a jar she wailed

And sleep?

Yeah, if she felt like it

Certainly not at night time, that’s for sure

Nap all day

Party through the night

She was a piece of work

And you know what?

Nothing’s changed

She’s still a piece of work

A little rock star who never stops dancing

Always singing

Smiling non-stop

The cheekiest little kid I’ve EVER met

While her big sister made me a mother

And I couldn’t fathom loving another child as much as her

This kid came along and showed me just how big my heart could grow

I adore her

She lights up my day, every day

Her hugs are magic

She is equal parts sweet & punk

Her sense of humour is brilliant

She is perfect

And today she is no longer Miss 4

Today she turns 5

And now wants to be referred to by her favourite nickname

The one that her Poppy gave her

So Happy 5th birthday Mrs Magoo

Mummy’s little Bubbaloo

My baby (who is 6 but will always be my baby no matter what you say so shut it)

Starts 1st grade today

And I will not cry

(anymore)

WILL not cry

(anymore)

Will NOT cry

(anymore)

Will not CRY

(anymore)

This is not working

MUST not cry?

(anymore)

OK, maybe just a little

(more)

I am a joke

Where did my baby girl go?

This parenting gig is bullshit