jealous

So I’ve been doing one of my most fave things ever

Baby shopping

There’s so many cute gadgets, gizmos and funky stuff out there for babies these days

And I know, you don’t need all of that

Babies don’t need half the shit that we accumulate for them

Just the basics

pram, schmam

Well, maybe not that basic

Check it out

And you’ll truly know why the term ‘WTF’ was invented

I think my judgmental bone is attached to my vomit bone

‘Cause I feel seriously grossed out after seeing this

In fairness, he’s not hurting anyone

And he’s the first to recognise that what he’s doing isn’t the ‘norm’

But, wow dude

Just, wow.

Gifts for family

It’s scary how big they look these days

Macaroni is already up to my shoulder

She’s 7

And I’m a short-arse

Even Magoo, who’s 5

Loves to brag how she can head-butt Mummy’s boobies

Which is both weird and painful

They’re both growing like weeds lately

Then I look around the house

With all our Easter decorations everywhere

And it’s hard to reconcile the two big girls, colouring Easter eggs today

With the two little girls in all the Easter Bunny photos

People say it all the time about kids

“…they grow up so fast”

What they should say is,

“…they grow up faster than fast. Like, holy-shit one day you’ll get your 7 year old’s shoes, socks and tights confused with your own. And while you want them to make their beds and do stuff for themselves – one day you’ll wake up and they’ll have taken a bath, made their beds, breakfast, cleared their dishes, put their dirty clothes in the laundry and made toast & vegemite for you”

And then you’re like, wow

And then you’ll be like, boo

‘Cause it’s a bit sad too

And then you realise that they did all these wonderful, big girl things to hide the fact that they’ve deposited an entire bottle of Vampire Red Nail Polish in Magoo’s bed

But you don’t get mad

You didn’t like that colour anyway

And the sheets were old

It WAS kinda smart of them really

To distract you enough

Hoping you didn’t notice

But you’ll be too busy looking at old photos anyway

And then your ovaries will start to ache

And cry

And possibly just drop out

THAT’S what they should tell you.

On the TV

News

Online

And now here!

It’s too cute not to watch twice!

And bought one for each of the girls

I have to fill them in – I figured it’s something that I could do on some of the longer car rides this tour

And then I had a total brain fart

YOU GUYS could help me!

Are you in?

Of course you are

I’ll even make it multiple choice for all the slowies

A) all of the above

B) a tiger, because  breastfeeding you, nearly wore my nipples out

C) a monkey, because you’re so cute & cuddly

A) the way you walk around the house in your underwear or naked. All. The. Time.

B) when you laugh to yourself, at absolutely nothing. All. The. Time and you’ll probably need to medicated when you reach your teens

C) when you come and lay on the end of my bed in the mornings, just so you can “….be right there when you wake up Mummy”

A) how the fuck did THAT come out of ME?

B) why does your head look like a pyramid?

C) that I would love you, so fiercely & unconditionally, every day for the rest of my life

A) nose picking

B) farting in restaurants

C) making your Mummy proud

A) get a really good paying job ’cause your parents want to live in a fancy nursing home with a spa room & a view

B) learn patience because people are really fucking stupid

C) have babies. Have 2 of them. I promise you it will be THE best thing you EVER do.

x

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?

I was slowly getting the hang of the whole ‘parenting’ thing

It didn’t come easily

I struggled a lot in the early days

I wouldn’t change any of that, given the chance

Because when I finally DID start to get my shit together

I felt that I’d EARNT it

And I appreciated the hell out of it

This little girl that called me Mama

The best thing that ever happened to me

Besides her Daddy

When all was finally right with my world

We decided to ‘do it again’

Make our little girl a ‘big sister’

I finally had a handle on being a Mum

So bring on number 2

I’ve got this licked

And oh my God

Along came another little girl

Who rocked my world

Everything I knew about parenting

Was fucking useless with this kid

She was a force of nature

She ate constantly

And breastfeeding her was akin to feeding a rabid tiger cub

Eight times a day!

And the homemade food that I religiously fed her sister

No way dude

Give me the crap in a jar she wailed

And sleep?

Yeah, if she felt like it

Certainly not at night time, that’s for sure

Nap all day

Party through the night

She was a piece of work

And you know what?

Nothing’s changed

She’s still a piece of work

A little rock star who never stops dancing

Always singing

Smiling non-stop

The cheekiest little kid I’ve EVER met

While her big sister made me a mother

And I couldn’t fathom loving another child as much as her

This kid came along and showed me just how big my heart could grow

I adore her

She lights up my day, every day

Her hugs are magic

She is equal parts sweet & punk

Her sense of humour is brilliant

She is perfect

And today she is no longer Miss 4

Today she turns 5

And now wants to be referred to by her favourite nickname

The one that her Poppy gave her

So Happy 5th birthday Mrs Magoo

Mummy’s little Bubbaloo

Starts 1st grade today

And I will not cry

(anymore)

WILL not cry

(anymore)

Will NOT cry

(anymore)

Will not CRY

(anymore)

This is not working

MUST not cry?

(anymore)

OK, maybe just a little

(more)

I am a joke

Where did my baby girl go?

This parenting gig is bullshit

But some of my yank & pommy other mates may not have

So, this one’s for you

.

See, there’s this elephant at Taronga Zoo

You remember Taronga Zoo right?

That’s where I took the kids last year when we were in Sydney

And Miss 6 nearly lost a limb

Yeah, that zoo

So anyway, they have this pregnant elephant there

But the baby died before it was born

All the tests showed that here was no sign of a heartbeat. No movement in the womb. Blood tests and ultrasound results were bad

It was so sad

Then yesterday morning, when zoo keepers went in to check on the mother

They saw that she had given birth

And the dead elephant calf was in the corner of the pen

When they went over to check it out

The baby elephant lifted it’s head up

And apparently that’s something that dead elephants don’t do

no shit sherlock

How cool is that?

The baby they thought was dead had managed to fool them all

It’s had twisted in it’s mother’s womb and gone into a coma

But at 100kg (over 220 pounds) this little guy has turned out to be a complete miracle

That’s a big arse baby

I won’t be complaining about popping out a couple of 9 pounders anymore

.

They haven’t named him yet

So for now, his nickname is Mr Shuffles

‘Cause he shuffles around like a little old man

I’m already looking forward to taking Miss 6 & Miss 4 back to Taronga next year

And they can see this little dude for themselves

Don’t you just love a happy ending?

I am a lot of things

short, freckly, totally hot

But right now, princess procrastinator would be the hat that’s glued to my head I’m wearing

Getting ready to go back to work next week after a big break

I’ve been home since the end of November

So Diamond is ready for me to get the fuck outta here it’s time to get my shit together

About a month before I start touring I compile the big list

I’m a list nut

They’re in my bag

My pockets

On my phone

I made a big list a few weeks ago

Of all the things I needed to get done before I leave

Everything from buying new guitar strings

To sewing the patches on Miss 6 girl scouts uniform

Taking the girls to the dentist blah, blah, blah

.

As you can imagine

I have been flat out

Ignoring the fuck out of said list

And with less than 72 hours until I leave

I’m looking at the bottle of red on the kitchen counter

Thinking that a glass or two is about the only thing that’s going to help me get all this done

So what if it’s 8am

I’m sure I can get most of it sorted out in time

But the truth?

I’d rather be doing this

Watching these two

Laughing at their lack of skills with them

Just hanging out with my babies

Trying not to freak out at how they’re growing every minute

That I’m going to miss out on something they do or say

I’m so lucky I love my job

But I really do need to get them playing the guitar more

Then they can be my support act

And come with me!

Problem solved bitches

.

Can the support act even have a support act?