Starts 1st grade today

And I will not cry

(anymore)

WILL not cry

(anymore)

Will NOT cry

(anymore)

Will not CRY

(anymore)

This is not working

MUST not cry?

(anymore)

OK, maybe just a little

(more)

I am a joke

Where did my baby girl go?

This parenting gig is bullshit

But some of my yank & pommy other mates may not have

So, this one’s for you

.

See, there’s this elephant at Taronga Zoo

You remember Taronga Zoo right?

That’s where I took the kids last year when we were in Sydney

And Miss 6 nearly lost a limb

Yeah, that zoo

So anyway, they have this pregnant elephant there

But the baby died before it was born

All the tests showed that here was no sign of a heartbeat. No movement in the womb. Blood tests and ultrasound results were bad

It was so sad

Then yesterday morning, when zoo keepers went in to check on the mother

They saw that she had given birth

And the dead elephant calf was in the corner of the pen

When they went over to check it out

The baby elephant lifted it’s head up

And apparently that’s something that dead elephants don’t do

no shit sherlock

How cool is that?

The baby they thought was dead had managed to fool them all

It’s had twisted in it’s mother’s womb and gone into a coma

But at 100kg (over 220 pounds) this little guy has turned out to be a complete miracle

That’s a big arse baby

I won’t be complaining about popping out a couple of 9 pounders anymore

.

They haven’t named him yet

So for now, his nickname is Mr Shuffles

‘Cause he shuffles around like a little old man

I’m already looking forward to taking Miss 6 & Miss 4 back to Taronga next year

And they can see this little dude for themselves

Don’t you just love a happy ending?

I am a lot of things

short, freckly, totally hot

But right now, princess procrastinator would be the hat that’s glued to my head I’m wearing

Getting ready to go back to work next week after a big break

I’ve been home since the end of November

So Diamond is ready for me to get the fuck outta here it’s time to get my shit together

About a month before I start touring I compile the big list

I’m a list nut

They’re in my bag

My pockets

On my phone

I made a big list a few weeks ago

Of all the things I needed to get done before I leave

Everything from buying new guitar strings

To sewing the patches on Miss 6 girl scouts uniform

Taking the girls to the dentist blah, blah, blah

.

As you can imagine

I have been flat out

Ignoring the fuck out of said list

And with less than 72 hours until I leave

I’m looking at the bottle of red on the kitchen counter

Thinking that a glass or two is about the only thing that’s going to help me get all this done

So what if it’s 8am

I’m sure I can get most of it sorted out in time

But the truth?

I’d rather be doing this

Watching these two

Laughing at their lack of skills with them

Just hanging out with my babies

Trying not to freak out at how they’re growing every minute

That I’m going to miss out on something they do or say

I’m so lucky I love my job

But I really do need to get them playing the guitar more

Then they can be my support act

And come with me!

Problem solved bitches

.

Can the support act even have a support act?

AT. THE. SAME. TIME.

Not twins, not IVF

Just through plain old fashioned horizontal hokey-pokey

It’s kind of fucked up bizarre really

You can read the whole story HERE

.

.

And then, not 10 minutes later

I read about about a woman in Indonesia who gave birth to an 18 pound baby

She had a c-section

But seriously, how the fuck else are you going to get that little buddha out else could you do it?

What was she eating while she was pregnant?

Entire restaurants?

.

.

I started to think about the first lady

And what would happen if both her babies weighed as much as the Indonesian lady’s

And I crossed my legs just imagining it

And oh-my-God if I didn’t start to feel sick

And ended up having to have a lay down

With an ice-pack on my vajay-jay

And it was great

Fantastic even

‘Cause he wasn’t remotely cute and my ovaries didn’t start screaming at me AT ALL

I think you guys read my rambling crap blogs enough to know when I’m full of shit

Well that bit about the baby was total horseshit

I mean check him out

And oh-my-God did my biological clock start thundering in my brain

Clang-a-langin’ like a stampeding Malley Bull with cast iron knackers

Which is weird for me

Because before I had kids I used to sleep think that my biological clock was digital

Not a maternal bone in my body

Then I had Miss 5

Then I had a nervous breakdown Miss 4

And now?

Well, I think now I’d love another one

If I’m sober being sensible, I understand that touring and life on the road with a baby will do your fucking head in is not an easy task

In fact, it kind of sucks.

A lot

So there’s that reason

Then there’s the whole ‘Diamond said no fucking way’ thing to think about too

I mean, I’m sure if I got naked nagged and pouted long enough, I might be able to change his mind

So I guess for today he’d be feeling pretty fucking relieved safe being on the other side of the world

Although if you think about it, I guess I could get sperm from anywhere really

But I reckon he might get a bit suss if I came home with a black one

The days start to blend into one another

Usually we just know days off are normally on a Monday

This week our day off was on a Sunday

And didn’t that just get us all confuse-ified??

We are catching up with friends on Thursday who have had a baby since we were last here, that we haven’t seen yet

And you know what that means?

Yep – baby shopping

Now look, I’m happy with any kind of shopping

But baby shopping, with all the teeny, tiny, cutesy miniature things you can buy?

Fucking LOVE IT!

And because we got confused with our day off and thought it was Monday, which meant we thought yesterday was Wednesday and today was Thursday

Follow?

Yeah, me neither

Basically we thought today was the day we got to see the baby so we went shopping yesterday to get a present

And we decided to get the biggest bloody present we could find

I have no idea why

‘Cause, well we only had to squeeze it into the car for one short drive – you know, ’cause today’s NOT FUCKING Thursday and all!

So now we have these 2 huge boxes

Squashed in the middle of mum and I in the back seat

For not one, but two fucking days

This is one of those days where I’m happy to be vertically challenged

So I can fit like a fucking pretzel snuggly in my seat

This baby better love the shit out of these presents

But you know me, always bitching and moaning I try to look for the silver jewelery lining

The plus side to all of it?

PRIVACY! to pick my nose the whole drive