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Sorry, were you eating?

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Here’s the deal

It’s illegal in this country

And America

And the United Kingdom

Canada, Netherlands, Italy, New Zealand, Sweden

As it should fucking be

These are civilsed, Western countries

Where women are treated equally & with respect

But there are some people who think they should have the freedom to carry out this barbaric ritual in Australia

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I understand in some countries female genital mutilation is acceptable

Part of the culture

And abides by people’s religious beliefs

Your country, your rules

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But here’s the thing

This is Australia

Where, as much as it might offend you, it’s OK for women to keep their clitorises

And you know what else?

It’s OK for them to use them too

To touch them

To have them touched

And, here’s where I know it REALLY bothers you

Bring a woman PLEASURE

‘Cause you can twist it and word it all you like

Wrap it up in a big blanket called religion

But what it boils down to is a woman’s right for satisfaction

Pleasure, orgasm even

And that’s the crux of this debate

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Your culture doesn’t believe that women are equal

Your culture treats them as second class citizens

And their right to sexual pleasure?

Forget about it

That’s reserved for men only

But you know what, I may not agree with it

In fact I can’t begin to tell you how fucked up I think your way of life is

The idea that this custom is carried out on little girls makes me sick to my stomach

As a woman, I find it wrong, repressive & completely repulsive

But that’s just my opinion

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But you chose to come to Australia

A Western country

Why did you do that and insist on bringing your prehistoric & cruel ways with you?

If your country & culture is so vital to your existence

Then why did you choose to live here?

I have to believe that there was something good about Australia & it’s people that made you decide to be here

Then why not respect our laws?

Our culture

And yes, our women

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You know, there’s a lot more I could write about this

And try to be reasonable

Present a thought out, well worded argument

But I think the five words that sum it up best

FIT IN OR FUCK OFF

And take your rusty fucking razor blades with you

Especially the Aussies reading this

She’s 16 years old

And has just spent 210 days at sea (in her pink boat)

Alone

Unaccompanied

Sailing solo around the world

Yeah, that’s right

She’s SIXTEEN!

They say it’s not a world record

As they don’t keep records for under 18s

To discourage nutjob parents from chucking their kids in a boat and saying, see ya!

In the hopes of fame & recognition and getting their kids taken away from them

I gotta say

Sailing doesn’t appeal to me

Sailing by myself would frighten me

Being on a boat for 210 days would scare the living shit out of me

In which case I would no doubt die of fright

Meaning, I would shit myself so bad

I would drown in it

How embarrassing

So yeah, no solo sailing efforts for this little land duck

But this kid Jessica

Un-bloody-believable

And she seems so together

One of the best quotes from her, that’s been repeated in most of the articles I’ve read is

If your parents give you the freedom for little adventures,  you can go on to have big adventures

I am completely ordinary. I just put a lot of effort in, had a great team around me and I think that goes to show you don’t have to be anyone special to achieve something big. You just have to want it

I say she’s anything but ordinary

There’s no way I would be that humble about such a major achievement

I’d be all hanging off the front of the boat screeching out the theme to the Titanic

Yelling, where my sailors at?

Can a bitch get her some SAILORS??

Then I’d totally release a calendar with all the sailors

And I’d….oh wait, where was I?

Ahem….oh yeah

This kid makes me proud to be an Aussie

While simultaneously making me nervous as a mum

I’m keeping mine away from water, just in case they get any crazy ideas

No more baths

They can consider it an early Christmas present

And Jessica?

AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE!

You BLOODY beauty!!

I think the fact that she’s managed to put up with our family for over 20 years should make her eligible for some kind of saint hood award thingy is an achievement on it’s own

And she’s still kind of normal

emphasis on the KIND OF

So we went down to the marina by Mum & Dad’s place

It’s always so good to see my nephews

Search, Destroy & Leadbelly

The twins are 11 now

And Leadbelly will be 8 later this year

All 3 of them are nearly as tall as me

and have been since they were like, FIVE how scary is that?

They’re such good kids

And sat patiently while the adults talked bullshit & drank too much caught up

And when boredom set in

The good ol’ iPhones saved the day

The boys even overcame my gay blingy sparkly, girl phone covers

And created some fugly Poppy pics fun stuff

It’s always a big BOOOOOO saying goodbye to the boys

And goodbye to this

These sunsets are pretty special

Maybe one day soon Diamond & I will have our own speccy sunsets

And a bigger house so my nephews can come & stay with us whenever they want

For as long as they want

And I’ll never let them leave keep them forever

Some might call it kidnapping

I call it AUNTY-LOVE

It’s a public holiday for pretty much everyone

A great day to spend outside, weather permitting

Hanging out with family

Enjoying their free day

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I hope that all of them take some time to remember why we have this day off

This ANZAC Day

And I hope everyone appreciates

The sacrifices given

The sacrifices that continue to be given

So that we have these freedoms

Many of us take our lifestyle

Our way of living

And our freedom for granted

Let’s make sure today is the one day we don’t

LEST WE FORGET

(my Pop in last year’s ANZAC day march)

Especially to get to visit places like Jabiru, where I haven’t been before

Dad is a walking encyclopedia on Australia, and reckons every Australian should get to this part of the country in their lifetime

And he’s right

The word spectacular is so overused and seemingly inappropriate

Until you come here

In the heart of the Kakadu National Park

A bit of info for you:

Kakadu has been home to Aboriginal people for more than 50,000 years, and during that time the land and their culture have become intertwined. Kakadu National Park is managed jointly by its Aboriginal traditional owners and the Director of National Parks.

Covering nearly 20,000 square kilometres, (7,700 miles) Kakadu is one of very few places World Heritage listed for both its cultural and its natural values. Its enduring natural values stem from its exceptional beauty and unique biodiversity, its variety of landforms, habitats and wildlife.

Kakadu is a living cultural landscape. Generations of Bininj/Mungguy have lived on and cared for this country for tens of thousands of years. Their spiritual connection with the land is globally recognised in Kakadu’s World Heritage listing, which honours one of the oldest living societies on earth. The natural and cultural heritage of Kakadu has also been identified as a key element of Australia’s great National Landscapes

Kakadu National Park is a timeless place – a landscape of exceptional beauty, great biodiversity and a wide variety of of landforms, habitats and wildlife. Kakadu is home to 68 mammals (almost one-fifth of Australia’s mammals), more than 120 reptiles, 26 frogs, more than 2,000 plants and over 10,000 species of insects.

And for the record, I think I’ve seen at least 7 species of the frogs so far

They’ve be hanging outside our hotel rooms

Much to Mum’s horror

She’s finally turned into an indoorsy girl

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We have a great family friend who is a ranger out here, and he’s offered to give us a special tour of the area

Fishing, feeding the crocs, cruising around in a boat & taking in the mind blowing scenery

If you add booze to that, could it get any better?

We don’t have time on this tour, we’re traveling to a different gig every day

So I was talking to Diamond and the girls about Kakadu & how amazing it is

And said we should totally plan a family trip here one day

Once I told Diamond about the fishing and the booze he didn’t need much more convincing

And once I told the girls about where we’d get to sleep, they were sold

‘Cause the hotel we’ve stayed in on this tour is pretty awesome

When we checked in, it seemed to be a pretty nice looking place

From the inside, the rooms looked nice too

So there was really no indication that it was much different from some of our other accommodations

Until you get an arial view

(My helicopter’s in for repairs, so I had to borrow these images from google)

How cool is that?

We spent the night inside a crocodile!

My room was actually right in the belly

Once I told the girls about that, they squeeled so loud I muted the volume on skype for a minute got soooo excited

And I’m a dickhead, ‘cause now they’re already asking how many sleeps until they get to go sleep in the crocodile

Miss 6 wanted to know, ‘does the belly of the crocodile have actual replicas of crocodile intestines in there?’

And Miss 4 wanted to know, ‘does the cwocodial just poop us out when it’s time to leave?’

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Man, I love those kids

Yeah,  I didn’t think so

I realised that I’ve been spending all this time on TWITTER

And farting around on FACEBOOK

That I haven’t been being a very good blogger

Sorry ’bout that peeps!

Good news though

You can leave your comment here on the blog page now, WITHOUT having to log in

Total spontaneous commenting

Bring it!

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The tour’s still going great

Three shows to go

Tonight we’re in Gladstone

It’s always a good time here

It’s a great town on the coast here in Queensland

One of things I’m looking forward to tonight, is meeting a fellow blogger

She lives with her family in Queensland, and is making the trip tonight to se the show

Her blog name is BUSH BABE

And her site is always a great read

I love going there to get a good dose of Australiana

Well written, with fantastic photography

A lot like my bog really

Except Bush Babe’s  doesn’t have dick pictures photos are well taken

There’s no sarcastic bitchiness

Or excessive use of the word fucktard

Other than that – our blogs are EXACTLY the same

Bush Babe is a top lady too, so I’m looking forward to meeting her face to face

That’s if she’s still talking to me after seeing me perform LIVE

Finger’s crossed!

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Also had time this trip to catch up with another great mate of ours

Cactus

Cactus (who, when she 1st met Dad, was given a choice between the nick names KILLER or CACTUS PUBES, ’cause Dad is a nut job does that to everyone) started working with Dad over 20 years ago

When I was a kid back then touring with Dad, she was my surrogate big sister

I may, or may not have had my first cigarette & alcoholic drink (ever) with her as a kid

So it’s fair to say that she’s probably at least partly to blame for me turning into a shithead part of the reason I turned out so awesome like this

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She’s gone on to have great success in the industry, and without going thru her whole resume, I’ll just tell you that her current project is, wait for it…

THE WIGGLES

This has led to Miss 4 to now refer to her as MY FAVOURITE AUNTY CACTUS IN THE WORLD!

So, we’ve had 2 days off on this tour

And we spent both of them with Cactus

It’s rare that we get to see mates anywhere other than at the shows when we’re touring

So to catch up TWICE, on DAYS OFF?

Man, the odds of that are….well…

Let’s just say that there’s a better chance of me fitting into a pair of my pre-baby jeans than that happening again

Which is a good thing

‘Cause as you can see by the pics

There was merriment aplenty

I mean, check mum out

2 different nights

Same hysterical face

Although none of us can seem to remember what the fuck was so funny

Cactus even offered to make the trip to Rockhampton on Saturday for the last show

To celebrate my birthday with me

And while I love her more than my laptop

My liver politely told her, to go fuck herself

Can we have a word?

No, really

It’s kind of embarrassing

I’m a proud Aussie

Always have been

But you guys are making life hard

It’s bad enough living on the other side of the world and only hearing about the homeland in the news if there’s a shark attack

Or about a guy caught shagging at the gas station

And it’s never good to be from the country that has politicians parading around in cock jocks

And now?

I’ve read in the paper

Online

Seen it on CNN

All over the bloody joint

The NAKED AUSTRALIANS!!!

‘Cause a photographer

Some bloke called Spencer Tunick

Is a total uncle pervey known for taking naked pics of people all over the world

‘ART’, apparently

And his latest targeted fetish subject happened to be Australians

Oh, the PRIDE!

Don’t try and tell me there is not a weirdo contingent that LIVES for this shit

Parading around with their dribbling semi-boners checking out the tit parade

And girls?

Oh, girls

Do you not put toilet paper on a public toilet seat before you squat your bot?

You do?

Good

Well then, what the fuck’s up with trotting out your uncovered minges in public – and rubbing it up against strangers, sidewalks and the FUCKING SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE for fuck’s sake??

I know that a huge percentage of you could not have posed for these photos – laid down for them even – without sharing with your fellow wack jobs new friends what you had for breakfast

Tell me that didn’t look like a never ending line of drive thru car washes!

You are treading dangerously close to having your license to carry a vajay-jay revoked sisters

Five thousand of the nutters there was

Outside the Sydney Opera house

In their birthday suits

Of course, it’s all done very sleezily tastefully, as all good art is wank wank wank

Mind you, if I decided to ‘GIT NEKKID’

And parade myself around the touristy spots in Sydney

(Sorry about the visual there peeps)

I would sooooo find my freckly bum locked up in record time

But this is ART

And that makes it OKAAAAAY

What the fuck ever

But that’s not what this is about

All I’m trying to say is how about some NORMAL news from down under?

I mean,  I’m trying my best to spread the Aussie cultural around the world in my own classy way

But

You lot are NOT fucking helping

Yeah, under the tour dates

Yep – that’s it

The tour dates have been added for the QUEENSLAND TOUR

Please excuse my lilly-white-see-thru legs when I get there

It’ll have been a while since I’ll have seen the sun

I still get asked daily where I’m from

And it totally doesn’t bother me

Really, it doesn’t

I like telling people I’m from Australia

And I’ve never had anything but nice things said back to me

I’ve always wanted to go there

Is that a long flight?

I hear it’s beautiful there

The people are supposed to be the happiest in the world there

I have an (insert family member) that lives there

You get the idea

People are interested

I feel lucky to come from a country that has such a positive reputation, wherever I go

.

I was 18 the first time I ever visited the States, and I remember people’s questions were different back then

Do you know Crocodile Dundee?

Is Crocodile Dundee a real person?

Where does Crocodile Dundee live?

You get the idea

The Crocodile Dundee movie was some people’s only idea of Australia and Australians years ago

That’s changed a lot over the years

Travel has changed, and a lot more people have been to Australia

Australia is more known to the rest of the world now

You can always Aussie content on TV here now

Aussie sport

And there’s a bazilloin Aussie actors working over here now

In movies & TV

Nicole Kidman, Russell Crow, Naomi Watts, Rachel Griffiths, Simon Baker and so many more that I can’t think of

There’s Aussies kicking goals in the music industry too

Keith Urban, Jet, The Veronicas

One day, when I pull my finger out the touring slows down, I’d like to do more shows over here

Let them know what a REAL Aussie sheila is like

The only Australian comedian I can think of that’s done well here is Dame Edna

She’s pretty popular

So it’s good knowing that in America at least, Australians are doing well, and our country is known for more than Crocodile Dundee these days

I will continue my (self appointed) role of cultural ambassador

It’s fun

Today’s example – a conversation with Miss 6′s school Principal when I dropped her off this morning

Principal: I just love your accent

Is it Australian?

Now days people nearly always guess my accent correctly. They used to always think I was English or Irish

Me: Yep, I’m Australian

Principal: How exciting!

Do you know the Crocodile Hunter?

Oh fuck, here we go again

Me: Do you mean Crocodile Dundee?

Principal: No, I mean the Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin

Me: Know him?

He’s my brother!

She cocks her head to the side and gives me this are you fucking nuts sad look

Principal: I’m so sorry for your loss

Me: Umm….yeah, well…..thanks

I walked off thinking she was a nutjob wondering what she was on about

Then I remembered

And felt like a total arsehole

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I thought I was being funny

And I’d totally forgotten that the dude was dead

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Ahh fuck

Maybe it’s time to get a new ambassador