Dear Jenny

My girlfriend is pregnant and I was told that when you’re pregnant you don’t get your period. She is still getting on her menstrual cycle and I’m really worried that the baby might be drinking the blood. Should I be concerned?

Don’t worry about it mate

That’s if you don’t mind the baby coming out half vampire, half FUCKTARD!

Dear Jenny

My son lost his arms when he was 9, and now he’s 14.

I’m kid of uncomfortable sharing this, but you strike me as being very liberal and open minded. For the last 3 months I have been helping my son masturbate since he has no way of doing it himself and asked me to help him. I know that this is a natural part of boys growing up and puberty, and I didn’t want to deprive him of one more thing because of his disability. However, my husband doesn’t know about it and I am not sure how to tell him. What do I do?

Wow. Well, I’m not sure where to start with this one.

Firstly, thank you for sharing and making me feel so much better about my not so dysfunctional family compared to yours anyway

Secondly, I’m interested to know how this conversation went with your son the first time. Was it, “hey mum, I’m horny, can you come in here please”? Or was it more like, “wow mum, looki at my raging erection. Take care of it for me would you”? And are his eyes shut while you do it? Please tell me they are

Either way lady, that is some FUCKED UP SHIT you’ve got going on at your house man

Can’t you just get your kid a hooker, or maybe, oh I don’t know, how about a FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?

And telling your husband? Well he’s bound to have been curious as to why your hand-jobs for him have ceased to exist. Maybe it’s time you let him know that you’ve been too tired and your arms worn out

FROM JACKING OFF YOUR OWN KID!

I’m sure he’ll totally understand

After he divorces your arse and gets you locked-the fuck-up!