Dear Jenny

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year mate. I wanted to ask your opinion on something. My wife never puts out anymore. Just special occasions like my birthday and our anniversary. This year I got lucky for Christmas and New Year too. But now I know that’s probably IT now until my birthday again in October. This seems really unfair. When I try to discuss it with my wife, she tells me to ‘like it or lump it’. It makes me feel rejected and I feel like I have the right to go looking elsewhere, if you know what I mean. A man has needs you know Jenny. What do you think?

Hey dude, I feel bad for you and all – but I really don’t give a fuck unless you have a desire to have your penis chopped off with a rusty pair of bolt cutters, I’d take your ‘needs’ into your own hands, if you know what I mean

And if you don’t, Diamond’s thinking of releasing a manual on the subject: “Wanking For Dummies”

Him being both a wanker and a dummy an expert and all

I’ll send you a copy when it comes out

So technically this one isn’t a “DEAR JENNY”

But it IS a letter, and it WAS addressed to me

So fuck it, I say it counts

To the mother of Miss 5

You have been selected as our party mum of the month. Congratulations! We usually ask for volunteers for our parties, but didn’t get any this time, so we picked YOU! Our next class party is Halloween. There’s an envelope at the school for you to pick up. In it, you’ll find money and the contact details for some of the other mums. There’s also a small ‘TO DO’ list enclosed. We will need you to buy party supplies, food, organise a game, send a reminder home to the entire class to wear their costumes. We’ll need you to be at the school no later than 7:30am on the day of the party, to decorate and set up the food table etc for the celebration. You’re also required to stay after the party to clean up and arrange the class room back to normal. I have given your contact details to the 26 other parents of our class, as you’re now our ‘GO TO’ person for the Halloween festivities. Looking forward to meeting you next week when you come in to pick up your envelope. Regards, Elaine McDuffy, School Party Coordinator

OK Mrs McFucky, who died & made you the boss of me?

No matter, happy to help YOU NAZI

Just make sure there’s enough money in that envelope for alcohol

I’m talking LOTS of alcohol

Oh yeah, and I’d like some new shoes too

Is that in the budget?

Dear Jenny

My girlfriend is pregnant and I was told that when you’re pregnant you don’t get your period. She is still getting on her menstrual cycle and I’m really worried that the baby might be drinking the blood. Should I be concerned?

Don’t worry about it mate

That’s if you don’t mind the baby coming out half vampire, half FUCKTARD!

Dear Jenny

My son lost his arms when he was 9, and now he’s 14.

I’m kid of uncomfortable sharing this, but you strike me as being very liberal and open minded. For the last 3 months I have been helping my son masturbate since he has no way of doing it himself and asked me to help him. I know that this is a natural part of boys growing up and puberty, and I didn’t want to deprive him of one more thing because of his disability. However, my husband doesn’t know about it and I am not sure how to tell him. What do I do?

Wow. Well, I’m not sure where to start with this one.

Firstly, thank you for sharing and making me feel so much better about my not so dysfunctional family compared to yours anyway

Secondly, I’m interested to know how this conversation went with your son the first time. Was it, “hey mum, I’m horny, can you come in here please”? Or was it more like, “wow mum, looki at my raging erection. Take care of it for me would you”? And are his eyes shut while you do it? Please tell me they are

Either way lady, that is some FUCKED UP SHIT you’ve got going on at your house man

Can’t you just get your kid a hooker, or maybe, oh I don’t know, how about a FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?

And telling your husband? Well he’s bound to have been curious as to why your hand-jobs for him have ceased to exist. Maybe it’s time you let him know that you’ve been too tired and your arms worn out

FROM JACKING OFF YOUR OWN KID!

I’m sure he’ll totally understand

After he divorces your arse and gets you locked-the fuck-up!

Dear Jenny

I have been a fan of yours since you used to sing country music years ago.I have to say that I think I prefer your older, ‘nicer’ music. Is this Jenny Talia thing going to be permanent or do you think one day you might go back to singing the beautiful music you used to? Could you also please send me some cigarettes?

To My Darling Nanna

I thought the nursing home banned you from the internet?

Dear Jenny

I don’t want to embarrass you but I just worked out that if you say your name fast, Jenny Talia, it kind of sounds like Genitalia.  JENNY TALIA = GENITALIA! Oh my God Jenny, I feel really bad for you.

Wow – thanks for pointing that out you fucking genius

I was going to change it to Connie Lingus anyway so suck it

Dear Jenny

I’ve been having the strangest dreams that started about a week ago. I’m always in a plane and I get up to go to the toilet and I started killing people and laughing while I did it.  Then my grandma showed up in a flight attendant’s uniform offering me goat flavoured fairy floss with my apple juice. Then I jumped out of the plane but my parachute wouldn’t open. What do you think Jenny?

Ummm… well I think you might need to lay off the Jesus Juice for a while mate. If that doesn’t work – here’s my shrink’s number give this number a call – 1800-WACK-JOB

Good luck! you fruit loop

Dear Jenny

OMG Jen!! I have met the most amazing man. We’ve been together 6 months now and it just keeps getting better. He spoils me rotten and is always buying me beautiful jewelery and taking me to fancy restaurants. He tells me all the time how gorgeous, I am (LOL!) and even buys me fantastic outfits that fit just right. We love all the same things and he will even sit with me while I watch Sex In The City reruns for hours. I mean, like OMG right? My only complaint would be our sex life. It’s less than spectacular to say the least. I feel like it’s worth the trade off though. Average sex even when we do it, which is like, NEVER. He says he’s just not really a sexual guy. I think I can handle that though. Am I doing the right thing?

OMG, like, if you don’t mind that he’s gay, why should I?

Dear Jenny

I have been married for 3 years and I love my husband. He is a twin and his brother is single. I know it’s wrong but I am incredibly attracted to my brother-in-law. It’s understandable as he looks exactly like my husband, but he’s funny and sexy, all the things my husband isn’t. I can’t stop thinking and fantasizing about him. I know it’s wrong to feel like this but I don’t know what to do. Thanks Jenny

You know what they say – the grass is always greener

So be careful what you wish for

Yeah right

Like I a give a flying fuck about greener grass and what they say

I SAY..

Go the ’ménage à trois’ 

that’s Japanese for double adaptor

Dear Jenny

My parents are driving me crazy. We work together in the family business and travel together and I think I’m losing my mind. I love them, but they’re getting kind of old and are starting to act a little weird and forget things. My mum is the worst. She’s always saying inappropriate things without realising. My Dad has always been ‘eccentric’, but lately he’s acting totally weird, like he has tourrettes and swearing all the time. I don’t know what to do any more Jenny

Seriously, have you been reading my diary?

MY The best way to put up with whack job oldies handle this is alcohol.

Copuous amounts of ALCOHOL