Dear Jenny

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year mate. I wanted to ask your opinion on something. My wife never puts out anymore. Just special occasions like my birthday and our anniversary. This year I got lucky for Christmas and New Year too. But now I know that’s probably IT now until my birthday again in October. This seems really unfair. When I try to discuss it with my wife, she tells me to ‘like it or lump it’. It makes me feel rejected and I feel like I have the right to go looking elsewhere, if you know what I mean. A man has needs you know Jenny. What do you think?

Hey dude, I feel bad for you and all – but I really don’t give a fuck unless you have a desire to have your penis chopped off with a rusty pair of bolt cutters, I’d take your ‘needs’ into your own hands, if you know what I mean

And if you don’t, Diamond’s thinking of releasing a manual on the subject: “Wanking For Dummies”

Him being both a wanker and a dummy an expert and all

I’ll send you a copy when it comes out

So technically this one isn’t a “DEAR JENNY”

But it IS a letter, and it WAS addressed to me

So fuck it, I say it counts

To the mother of Miss 5

You have been selected as our party mum of the month. Congratulations! We usually ask for volunteers for our parties, but didn’t get any this time, so we picked YOU! Our next class party is Halloween. There’s an envelope at the school for you to pick up. In it, you’ll find money and the contact details for some of the other mums. There’s also a small ‘TO DO’ list enclosed. We will need you to buy party supplies, food, organise a game, send a reminder home to the entire class to wear their costumes. We’ll need you to be at the school no later than 7:30am on the day of the party, to decorate and set up the food table etc for the celebration. You’re also required to stay after the party to clean up and arrange the class room back to normal. I have given your contact details to the 26 other parents of our class, as you’re now our ‘GO TO’ person for the Halloween festivities. Looking forward to meeting you next week when you come in to pick up your envelope. Regards, Elaine McDuffy, School Party Coordinator

OK Mrs McFucky, who died & made you the boss of me?

No matter, happy to help YOU NAZI

Just make sure there’s enough money in that envelope for alcohol

I’m talking LOTS of alcohol

Oh yeah, and I’d like some new shoes too

Is that in the budget?