Not in the, ‘I know what I’m talking about’ sense

More like the, ‘I just like shiny gadgets with buttons’ sense

And if I can get them to work, even a little bit, I’m happy

I have no doubt I get this from Dad

He’s been a gadget junky since I can remember

He had one of the first mobile phones

You know, the ones the size of a small house?

He was the first Aussie entertainer to have his own website

And these days, he’s quite the Mac head

Loving his Macbook laptop

iPhone – and anything else Apple brings out

Needless to say, he cracked a poopy was quite miffed when he realised that my iPhone was newer than his

Not a great difference between them

Mine may be a little faster – and I can video with it

So he’s all, ‘I want a new one too’

I told him to stop whining just go get one

‘You wanna come with me?, he asked with his bestest, cheekiest grin?’

Just to let you know that Dad doesn’t like doing ANYTHING on his own

Eating, driving, shopping, walking

He likes to have company

And usually it’s good to keep him supervised

But still, impulse reaction to going to any sort of retail outlet with Dad is,

Oh hell-to-the-NO!

This reaction is not without justification

This is the man, who when not served in a timely manner, will stand in the middle of the store and yell, ‘who do I have to fuck to get served in this place?’

Funny I know

But not when your standing right next to him

But worse than that – phone shopping could turn out to be an added nightmare

Keep in mind that one of Dad’s most popular songs, ever, is called DICTAPHONE

And it’s about bad service from phone companies

And he wrote it about the very phone company we were going to

The big sing-a-long line in said song is, ‘Stick that fucking phone – up your fucking arse!’

So as we walked into the shop I’m mumbling non-stop under my breath, ‘please nobody recognise him – PLEASE nobody recognise him’

‘Cause all it would take is one person to walk up and say, ‘Hey, aren’t you….?’

And then, ‘You wrote a song about this mob didn’t ya Kev? How does it go again?’

And he’d be off

Singing, getting everyone to join in

And we’d get kicked out

As has happened too many times to count on odd occasion

.

Well, my inner dialogue must have worked

Because no one said anything

You bloody beauty

He got his new phone

Mum got one too which she didn’t even want but Dad said she had to if she wanted to hang out withthe cool kids

And everyone was happy

Until he lost his wallet 10 minutes later at the food hall

You can’t take that kid ANYWHERE!

And after Mum & Dad finished with the, ‘you had it – no YOU had it – no I gave it to YOU’ banter back & forth that old married couples do

We went back to the food hall

And his wallet had been handed in by someone who found it on the floor

And the kicker?

All his credit cards & ALL his cash were still in there

UNTOUCHED!

How unbelievable is that?

So there ARE advantages to being a shit head trouble maker

I’ve no doubt that whoever found his wallet took one look at the driver’s license

And thought, ‘oh shit, this is Kev’s?

‘Not worth the fucking trouble’

And gave it straight back

The shows have just been getting better

I know I say that a lot

But I’m telling you, the crowds are getting bigger and louder!

We have a day off today

And am going to use the time to get a new video blog done

Hopefully

‘Cause I’ve been having shitloads of trouble with my new software for my mac

Luckily, there’s a Mac store close to us today

Woo hoo!

So while it’s sucked arse the last few days, trying to get my computer working

At least I have a reason to go shopping to the Apple / Mac store!

So we’re in the car, on our way to Basildon

And it’s cold

I mean, I’ve been colder before

But I’m feeling it this morning

In my toes, my nose

And my bum

My seat is C-O-L-D!

As Diamond likes to say, this is the kind of weather that makes you realise men have nipples too!

.

And then of course there’s Dad and Holly in the front seat

Bragging ad giggling about how THEIR seats have ‘seat warmers’

Oooh, woop-di-doo bastards!

We can beat that

Can’t we Mum?

We’re stopping for brekky in a minute

Let’s have baked beans

A double helping of baked beans

.

Then let’s see who has the warmest seats

Oh, and what a SHAME

It’s far too cold to wind down the windows

.

This is going to be a smelly as shit FUN DRIVE today!

*sniff*

And

Woooo hooooooo mother fuckers!!!!!

I am here to tell you

That if you whine, whinge & piss people off enough and work hard

What you seek shall be yours

This works for just about everything

Except maybe fitting into those jeans you so should have thrown out 6 years ago because you are NEVER going to fit into them so get over it sister

????

OK anyhoooo

I got me an iphone

I got me 2 iphones

One for Diamond & one for me

Technically, Diamond didn’t want one

He thinks computers suck and cell phones give you cancer

I know, could we BE more alike??

So to make myself feel better I thought I’d slowly bring him up-to-date with his own iphone

How excitement!

I have them turned on and charging at this point

Now what?

I see people tapping away on these things everywhere

Airports, cars, restaurants

All over the joint

What are they doing?

Do I just bang away at it

Or is there something I should actually be DOING on it?

And what are all these application thingies that people have on them

GPS, games, restaurant finders blah blah blah

I’m after the application that opens my wine for me and rubs my feet

Doesn’t really matter though – ’cause it LOOKS awesome

And that’s really all that counts isn’t it?

Now I just need to pick out a cover for each of them

Just something simple to protect it from when I’m drunk and I drop it

Was thinking something plain like this maybe

Too much?

How about this little inconspicuous number then?

And because Diamond is not into flashy stuff

He’s a steak and potatoes man

Nothing says ‘homely’ like this one 

I reckon he’ll love it

I should really have a spare one

I’m thinking this would be the way to go

Mmmmm…. chocolate

Watch me get drunk one night and end up in the emergency room surrounded by laughing doctors and nurses as they look at my new iphone on the xray machine

In my stomach!

Better wear clean undies and wax just in case…

One of the dorks guys that works there was telling me that someone actually DIED when the store opened

People were sleeping out because they’re fucked in the head for days before they had the officially opening, so that they could be crushed to death the first ones in there

I don’t get that

There’s nothing in the Apple store that you can’t buy online and get delivered to your door

Maybe that’s just how lazy chicks like me roll

There’s tonnes of other boring shit facts to know about this particular store

* It’s the 215th Apple Store, and the first in the Southern Hemisphere 

* It’a one of the biggest stores (although not the biggest, that title goes to Boston) standing three storeys

* The floor is made of marble shipped in from Italy where Apple has its own quarry, and every piece is perfect and flawless

* There are macs for anyone to use to check their email or browse the web

* It’s made from the largest sheets of plate glass in the world at more than 15 meters a piece

One of the things they DO have that we liked was a Kid Apple Camp

For kids on school holidays to learn about Mac computers

Dad and I tried to sneak in but we nearly got arrested they were full

It’s actually a pretty cool looking shop

And Dad gets crazy excited whenever he’s in close proximity to a Mac Store

Kinda like me near a buffet table shoe shop 

But the reason I went to check out this one was mainly to see someone face to face about all the problems I’ve been having with my Mac

But apparently to meet with a wanker in person an ‘expert from the genius bar’ you have to have an appointment

Well I didn’t HAVE an appointment

So they gave me the next available slot

Next fucking Wednesday

I’m not smiling anymore