climbing the coat hanger

It started with this
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Most of you probably already know, that I’m not THAT girl
You know, the adventurous girl, the thrill seeking Sheila
My preferred kind of adrenalin rush, usually involves a mall, annual sales, a new outfit with matching shoes
Followed by celebratory wine drinking

So the more I though about this ‘let’s climb to the top of the widest Longspan Bridge in the world
That happens to be 139 metres (439.632546 fucking feet) above sea level’
The more was I like, sweet Jesus…how do I get OUT of doing this??

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I mean, I don’t even go out onto hotel balconies if I’m more than 2 stories up
I get all tingly (and not in a good way) and my stomach starts to try and escape from my body

But Mum and Dad were excited, and determined that it’d be ‘awesome’ and I would ‘love it’
It’s one of the many things on their bucket list, that they’ve been ploughing through lately
And after confirming that neither of them were ‘dying’, thus ruling THAT out as the reason we were ticking of things on their bucket list….I agreed
Because I have no brains
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And was not prepared to be called a pussy by my parents for years to come

Turns out, once we were there and getting suited up, I started to relax
(even though this photo would suggest otherwise)
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Our guide, slash leader, slash chick who I was entrusting with my life, was a top lady who was equal parts informative, fun and reassuring
The latter being exactly what I needed
Her name was Leah, I liked her, and she totally didn’t flinch when I insisted on holding her hand for the first hour of training
She gave us our safety briefing, got kitted up with headsets (so we could hear her) lots of clips to hold onto sunglasses etc, so that we didn’t drop anything off the bridge, that would land on cars below. Apparently that would be bad. We also had thick bungee cord looking things that would attach us to the bridge, in case we fell off
What a lovely thought
Personally, my cord looked as though it wouldn’t support the weight of my leg, let alone my entire corpse
‘Cause you KNOW I’d be dead of a heart attack WAY before I ever hit the water

Anyhoo, once all the training, lectures blah, blah -can’t we just get this over with already- were done, we headed to the steps

1,437 just to get up!
It’s a combination of ladders and stairs
I was doing fine with both (go me!)
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Until we reached the first platform, where Leah stopped to give us some information about the bridge’s history
We were standing on a grated platform….you know, one you can SEE THROUGH
I looked down
And prompty burst into tears
We weren’t even ONE FIFTH of the way up

I was all, fuck this, fuck me for saying yes, fuck the eggs I had for brekky, fuck, fuck, FUCK.

After some deep breathing, encouragement from Mum and Dad, and the realisation that we were all tethered to each other, so how the hell could I get down WITHOUT going up first…..I worked out, that if I just looked up, I didn’t get as scared
And I kept chanting to myself, from my favourite movie character of all time – Dory, from Finding Nemo…..’just keep swimming, just keep swimming’

PLUS, I was the youngest in our group by about 20 years, so I needed to suck it up, cause none of the pensioners were remotely freaking out
Just me

Also, it was a nice, warm day, so the pee in my pants dried pretty quickly
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I kept going
And kept going
Doing lots of little nervous farts along the way
Because I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m nervous, I get GAS
And I slowly started to see, that it did get better
It did get easier

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I was almost having fun
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I mean, I still wasn’t going to look down for love nor money415115555

But if I looked OUT, the view was ah-may-zing!
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Mum and Dad LOVED it
No fear, just climbed the shit out of that bridge, enjoying Sydney from the best view in the city
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Me?
I’m so glad I got through it
I surprised myself
The fear eventually went away, and I did OK
I can actually say I enjoyed it

Would I recommend it?
Absolutely
Would I do it again?
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Next time, maybe I’ll just watch YOU do it.

mama said there’d be days like this…

Getting ready to leave for the Sydney tour involves lots of organising
Important things…..like finding my suitcase, finding my passport, finding my guitar tuner, finding my travel pillow
You get the idea
I thought I’d take a break from all that ‘finding’ today, and go shopping

It was only 10am at that point, which, even for me, is too early for a wine
Otherwise I totally would have stayed home ‘finding’ stuff….AND drinking.

I had some gift vouchers from my birthday that have been burning a hole in my pocket
So off to the mall I went
90 minutes into it, I’d visited four shops and tried on 33 different tops. I wish I was exagerating.
Oh the joys of finding shirts to fit when you’re a double D cup with a back as wide as an olympic backstoker. A BOY olympic backstroker.
Yeah, it’s always fun.
Today it got REALLY fun.

changing-room

So I’m in shop number five. I had 8 tops to try on. Why no pants? Because I always end up wearing some version of leggings…and I already have eleventy-hundred pairs of those in various colours and animal print.
Store 5′s rules were, only 6 garments allowed in the changing room at a time
So after ‘Sasha’ the ‘associate and all-round trendsetter / supermodel / judgey-judy’ unlocked the change room for me, she took 2 of my items, and hung them outside the door.
“bring the other ones out when you’re done, then I’ll give you these two”
K.

Tried the six shirts on.
Technically only 4 fit over my head, but my ‘change room hair’ and sweaty back made it look like I’d been in there hours trying on shit and wrestling alligators.

Opened the door to give Sasha my failures and swap them for the other 2 shirts
She wasn’t there, so I reached out my arm to grab them
Like, r-e-a-c-h-e-d

Until I reached SO far out the door that I lost my balance, fell out the change room
The door closed behind me
The door LOCKED behind me

I came to the realisation it was locked as I lay sprawled across the shop floor
IN MY UNDERWEAR
That’s right….out in the open. In my un-fucking-mentionables.
And not the nice matchy-cute shit either
Nooooooo…
I’m talking black spanx and a beige nanna bra
Yep.

After saying a silent ‘thank-fucking-God’ that the shop was mostly empty
I grabbed a bunch of whatever I could get my hands on, from the racks closest to me, plus what was left of my dignity
Got to my feet, and walked over to the counter
Like I was a motherfucking boss
And not the fucktard the store cameras would no doubt show I was at the shop’s Christmas party
I figured if they were going to remember me, they might as well REMEMBER me
So I Naomi Campbelled the shit out of that walk of shame
Held my head high, and politely asked Sasha if she would be so kind as to unlock the door for me
Which she did….all while looking a little shocked with her mouth hanging open
It’s like she’d never seen a 5 foot Australian using beaded prom dresses like a sandwich board

I got dressed, walked out smiling
Drove home smiling
Poured a wine (it was 12:01)
And ordered 3 new tops
Online
From the comfort of my kitchen
In my underwear.

 

 

still upright for the win

I’m still recovering from probably one of the best birthday weeks ever
Spring break with Diamond and the girls, skiing in Michigan
Despite none of us being able to ski before we got there, we got the hang of it, loved it
AND, all came home in one piece…colour me shocked
Although, it was a bit touch and go when Magoo got thrown out of the dog sled and flew head first into a tractor. We got REALLY lucky that she walked away from that one.
I’m not sure how many lives kids get, but that HAD to use up one of hers fo sho.
In unrelated news, I peed my pants on two separate occasions from laughing so hard…so you KNOW there was fun being had.
It was the perfect family getaway before I head back out on tour this weekend
Which reminds me, Sydney peeps, do you have your tickets for the tour yet? They’ve been selling crazy fast, which is better than awesome!

CLICK HERE FOR THE SYDNEY TOUR DATES

Also, wanted to thank you guys for being all congratulation-y and lovely, when I posted THIS ON FACEBOOK
I almost felt bad about pranking you for April Fool’s Day

SURE I did.