And we’re starting to get ready for the South Africa Tour next month

But right now, I’m on my way home

And I can’t WAIT!

I am so looking forward to this

And lots & LOTS of this

So if you don’t hear from me for a while

Don’t panic

‘Cause I’ll be somewhere amongst all of this…

Where there’s an abundance of these

But eventually I’ll be back

Maybe.

Leaving our mark at public toilets across the state

With a trail of “I Love My Jenny Talia” stickers

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We’ve been lucky to stay in some beautiful places

Mackay was definitely one of those

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And as with every tour, we’ve been loving meeting some of the mad buggers that have come out to the shows

Like Kim – whose jeans now how my scribble on the bum

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And this lovely lady

It actually took me a while to recover from the shock of meeting her

And realising that I’d finally been “OUT-blinged” by someone

But I’ve already started stocking up on glitter & sparkly things

My plan is to blow her out of the water on the next tour through these parts

Nicely of course

.

There’s been whole families come along to the show

And that makes me happy

You know, knowing my family is not the only fucked-up one out there

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This has been my favourite shirt of the tour so far

A guy actually came to the show wearing this same shirt in the UK last year

I told him I loved it, so he GAVE it to me

OK, I may have begged a little

So Mark was lucky, he got to keep his

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We’ve met some lovely people, like Matthew & Leanne is Innisfail

(& yeah, the main reason I put this pic in is because I’m the 2nd tallest one in it. Check THAT shit out!)

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And some crazy bastards like this mob in Ingham

HELLUP!

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Then last night in Atherton, we had a BELLY-FEST

Lots of boys wanted me to leave my mark on their gut

As they competed with each other in trying to convince me that “their” abs were better than their mates

Um…yeah I beg to differ in this case

While they had a *’how rock hard are my abs’ comp going on between them

(*code for  ’how soft is my peen)

I was running out of things to scrawl on them

They were all pretty wasted

So I’m hoping they wake up this morning, trying to put together the pieces of last night’s puzzle

And start questioning their sexuality

That would make me so happy

.

I GOT SUNSHI-I-I-NE

ON A CLOUDY DAY

WHEN IT’S COLD OUTSI-I-I-DE

I GOT THE MONTH OF MAY

I

GUESS

YOU

SAY

WHAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY?

MY GIRLS

(your turn…MY GIRLS! MY GIRLS!)

TALKING ‘BOUT MY GIRLS

MY GIRLS!

I’m just home

Which means not much time for blogging and the like

And that’s more than OK

‘Cause I’m making the most of spending 24/7 with the fam

Pretty soon they’ll be begging me to go back to work (code for get the fuck outta here)

I’m sure there’s a bucket load of work stuff that I shouldn’t be ignoring and could be doing

Like writing

Or working on stuff for the new DVD

But dude, it’s SUMMER here in Chicago

As in, the SUN IS OUT motherfuckers

We wait SO long for that over here, that it’s hard to stay inside and be productive

When I’d rather hang outside by the pool, and do fuck all

Although today, it is hotter than an Ethiopian runner’s ball sack

So we’ve been doing all the indoor stuff

We just got back from the library

Where some old biatch lectured me about the rules, and how dancing with my kids in the public library, was against them

I asked her to show me where exactly the rules said that

But it was hard to get into a shit flight with an octogenarian, whilst simultaneously setting a how-not-to-act-like-a-crack-whore-in-public example for the kids

So I let the volunteer-grey-nurse-nazi tear me a new one

And I smiled

And walked away

As Miss 6 asked, are ALL old people that grumpy?

And Miss 4 wanted to know, why the mean lady had a beard

So we got outta there before I got busted again

This time for snort laughing & high fiving with children

.

Now they’re over hanging out with me

And are playing the game they like to call the ‘secret sister’s club’

That I can’t play because I’m a Mummy

And I won’t let them jump on me ’cause it hurts like a bastard and I bruise easily

And not having a sister makes me ineligible too

Whatever

I’ll just wait

They’ll totally want to play with me again soon

They’ll be begging me to go swimming

And not just because they’re not allowed to go in the pool without me

It’s because they LOVE ME

DUH!

To make his grandchildren happy

It really is a beautiful thing to watch

I know my girls think that everyone’s Poppy is just like theirs

Who writes funny little songs about them (clean ones!)

Who takes them on adventures

Treasure hunts

And writes magical fairytale stories, that they get to star in

They have some brilliant, one of a kind books in their collection

Written just for them, by their Poppy

Last time the girls were in Lancelin, where Mum & Dad have a beach house

Dad took them, & their cousin, on a 2 day adventure (all us grown ups went along for the ride too)

Full of pirates, princesses, dressing up

That culminated in 3 little girls, dressed in DILLIGAF t-shirts (Poppy forgot the costumes that day)

Digging furiously at the ‘X marks the spot’, that the map had led them to

In the sand dunes where I’m sure it’s totally illegal

Dad wrote a book about their big adventure, using photos he’d taken of them over the 2 days

“Miss 6 & Miss 4 – The Fair Dinkum Fairy Princesses”

My brother’s boys have a fantastic book Dad wrote for them too – “Deaf Captain Bungeye & his 2 dickheads deckhands, Lefty &Righty”

.

Having a bit of time while we were in Carnarvon (& having sent off the final draft of his biography) had Dad thinking of his next project

And this is how it starts…

He went shopping

Then he tells me & Mum he wants us all to go for a walk on the beach

And for me to bring my camera

I’m assuming there’s some topless sunbathers he wants to perve at get his pic taken with

Then he’s like, what’s THAT?

I’m like, what’s WHAT?

THAT, he says, pointing at the rocks

Then I realise what he’s up to

It’s the beginning of another treasure hunt

And I’m the photographer for the next book

So I snap away

Oooooh, TREASURE!

And I’m thinking, ummm Dad….that’s lovely and all…but I have 2 daughters…who don’t share for shit and they don’t share well at the best of times

And as I’m working out ways in my head to cut this little treasure chest in half without ruining the whole thing

He starts pointing again

What’s THAT?, he says again

Oh, OK Dad…you win…you’re ahead of me here

Well, would you look at that!

And even Nanna’s in on this one

They get just as much joy out of this as the kids do

Lucky I’m on my way home

‘Cause once the girls find out about this, they’ll be DYING to get their hands on their new treasures

I had to have a little peak

And it’s pretty safe to say Miss 6 & Miss 4 are going to lose their shit when they see this stuff

It’s totally, what Miss 4 would call, the MOTHERWOAD!

The world’s best Poppy has done it again

Can’t wait to read the book!

Miss 4: Mummy, how old am I?

Me: Four. You are four even though some days you act 16 and others 2

Miss 4: What grade will I be when I go back to school?

Me: Preschool

Miss 4: Do I have to wear undies to preschool?

Me: Yes, YES YOU DO

Miss 4: I think I hate preschool already

Like, 10 days ago or something wasn’t it?

Well Miss 4 will NOT shut up about it

She’s all,

Why do you get a day?

And Daddy get’s a day

And Jesus gets a day

Jesus gets a day?

Why don’t KIDS get a day?

It’s totally NOT fair Mummy

I then I can’t believe I sound just like my mother say,

It’s kids days EVERY DAY dude

You get toys sometimes when it’s not your birthday OR Christmas JUST BECAUSE

Someone makes all your meals for you EVERY DAY

Someone some days still has to used to even wipe your BUM

And you have a Princess bedroom that hurts my eyes with it/s pink/yellow/purple/baby blue walls

And she’s all like,

Well I still don’t think it’s fair

So I resorted to

Well you’ll just have to write a letter then

I say this, because she can’t write yet and I’m a bitch

Well I will then!

Who do I send it to?

Shit, didn’t think of that

This dude. You send it to this dude

I show her a picture, and her face gets all screwed up

Why do I send it to him? Who is he?

‘Cause this is the bitch one that has a Mother’s Day AND a Father’s Day

Her

Oh my gosh, really?

That is SOOOO selfish

Where’s a pen?

She’s had tubes put in her ears before

And it seemed like she was going to need it done again (they fall out after a while and a lot of kids need to get them more than once)

Her hearing was deteriorating & her speech had regressed a little

The doctor recommended that this time, he take her adenoids out as well

It seemed to be part of the reason for the fluid in her ears

And all of the reason that she snores like a truck driver after a 12 hour drinking binge

So today was the day

For the bilateral myringotomy & adnoidectomy

Or in layman’s terms

The tubes in & the adnoids out

I know it’s a ridiculously short & simple procedure

But it stresses me

I don’t get anxiety

I think you have actually give a shit, to suffer from anxiety

I guess today I gave a shit

‘Cause my anxiety level was PEAKING

For those of you who have ever had a sick kid

And I’m not taking adnoids or ear tubes

I mean like, SICK, sick

Life threatening, emergency stuff

Do they give you guys a medal when it’s all over?

‘Cause they fucking should

You are the trojan-hercules-brave-heart-mofos of parenting

I don’t know how you do it

But you do

And I take my bra of to you

‘Cause I don’t have a hat on

And now I don’t have  a bra on either

Anyhooo

Miss 4 was totally psyched about going to the hospital

She remembered it was fun last time

When they put the tubes in

And didn’t hurt a bit

Which is why I chose NOT to tell her about the little adenoid-removal-thingy

Last time it was just a twilight sleep, this time she was going under

And Mama was stressin’

They gave her the pre-surgery medicine

Which is awesome

She get’s all giggly and nuts

Like she was before I guess

Times two

Then they wheel her off in the wagon (her favourite part)

Then I spend the next 45 minutes biting my nails, drinking coffee & trying to not obsessively watch the clock

And try to not get pissed off at the genius who designed the hospital without a fucking pub in it

.

I had brought along more stuff than I take with me on tour for a month

All my ‘just in case’ supplies

Spare clothes, in case we had  to stay longer than planned

Food, in case we had to stay longer than 10 minutes

Laptop, in case the world ended (so we’d be buried together)

15 magazines, so I didn’t have read the ones in the waiting room that are usually years old and covered in hepatitis

Makeup, so I didn’t scare anyone because dude, I left the HOUSE, hello?

More food, in case my first stash ran out

And half the contents of the girl’s toyroom – to make sure I had whatever she wanted when she woke up

I possibly overpacked

I didn’t use any of my stuff

I just sat in the chair and waited

And Miss 4, who’s last words before she went to sleep were

Do I get a treat after this? Can it be FOOD? I don’t want a sticker, OK?

Woke up asking

Can I get that food now? How about a Happy Meal, with fries? No? OK then, I’ll just take a peanut butter & jelly sandwhich

So yeah, it all went fine

Just like everyone told me it would

Here’s hoping that neither of my kids – or any of yours – ever require surgery again

EVER

With the exception of removing my foot from their arse when they’re teenagers cutting the apron strings

Like THAT’S ever going to happen

Apron strings FOREVER, I say!

On Fridays we go to the video store

Stock up on the microwave popcorn

And settle down for a great night in

This Friday’s was awesome

Don’t even ask me what movie we watched

I was out like a light within 2 minutes of pressing ‘play’ on the DVD player

But here’s where it got good

I woke up

And the movie was over

And I could hear the girls giggling

And thought, oh shit they’ve found the silver bullet in my underwear draw what are they up to?

.

They were covered in my moisturiser

My makeup wipes were strewn all over the room

And every hair brush / comb / clip in the house, was scatttered all around me

The kicker?

They were playing beauty salon

And I was the client

Jackpot-bingo-you-bloody-beauty!

I was immediately instructed to go back to sleep

While they rubbed cream on my feet

Wiped it off with the wipes

Put more back on again

And brushed my hair

I reckon popping these two mini-humans out

Hurt like a mother fucker

Should make me eligible for some kind of genius award

Or at least the Mayor of Awesome-ville