Macaroni is forever asking, “when will I be old enough to….*insert all the shit she can’t do yet*….?”
She’s obviously not satisfied with my answers or lack thereof
So she made a list and told me her plan is to have them all ticked off by her birthday in October.
Her ninth birthday.
Bless. Her. Heart. Where’s the whiteboard eraser when you need it?
So, we lost the first hamster not long after Santa delivered him
Magoo said at the time that there was no way she wanted another one.
Being the genius I am so obviously not, I talked her into it.
“Santa would WANT you to get another one. You have this beautiful cage and all these hamster toys – and any hamster would LOVE to come and live at our house. Let’s go pick one!”
So we did. She called him Chubby. And she loved the shit out of him.
She came to me yesterday, with her little lip quivering, “Mummy, I just tried to get Chubby out of his cage, and he won’t move. He’s all hard”
Internal voice, FUCK.
External voice, maybe he’s REALLY sleeping?
She burst into tears.
We made a coffin out of a plastic container. Wrapped him in tissues. And buried him next to Buddy.
I also have to bite the bullet today, and tell Macaroni why she can’t find her new Jaw-fish ‘King’ in her fish tank. I won’t tell her that he’s not really playing hide-and-seek like I told her because I am a lying turd. And I definitely won’t tell her the truth, (what parent does THAT?) that he actually got eaten 2 days ago by the fucking crab that is butt-ugly and why the fuck do you need a stoopid crab anyway. I’ll just tell her he fell asleep too.
Pets are bullshit. This is why I collect shoes.
This one takes me back to my single days. Everyone of my friends has a memory that this could be the soundtrack to.
If you’re in Perth, which was the crime scene of my partying youth – I have two words for you:
For everyone else, just insert the name of the seediest late night dive you’ve ever been to. The crusty carpet, dark lights, grab a kebab/burrito on your way out kinda joint. A place where you’d find only the ‘classiest’ of Sheila…..like me.
Some kids go to college. I went to Gobbles.
And what an education I got.
(for the oldies and my husband out there, HI DAD! who have never heard the original because your stereo is allergic to anything after 1964here’s the original, you know, BEFORE I fucked it up.)