just like a pill

Lately, everyone around me has been sick

Family

Friends

Kids

Neighbours

Except me

And because I am a bucket mouth

I let everyone know that I was the ONLY one that wasn’t sick

Cause I NEVER get sick

Everyone else’s immune system can suck it

‘Cause mine is obviously the least germy

My steady diet of red wine, clinkers & no sleep is a winner people!

Until it wasn’t

Cue me feeling like death last week

With the man flu

That one’s like 5 times worse that the regular flu, yeah?

‘Cause that’s totally what I had

No WAY has anyone ever been as sick as I was

Just like there’s NO WAY anybody’s birth story is more horrendous than mine

Yup, I’m THAT person

Ask Diamond how much fun I am to live with

Anyhoo

After being prescribed some great drugs

(That are probably just antibiotics

But I still feel like a rebel when I take 2 at once)

I am on the mend

HUZZAH!!

Better than on the mend

I am fired UP!

I think being knocked on your arse makes you grateful when you DO start to feel better

Today I want to plough through my ‘to do’ list

Then dust off the guitar and do some writing

I will not be distracted

Life is a highway & Baby you can drive my car On the road again

And all those other songs about truckin’ that have fuck all to do with this post

I am unstoppable, mother fuckers!

Once I get out of bed.



the ‘n’ word

I don’t mind getting up at 3:30am to go to the toilet

But the not-being-able-to-get-back-to-sleep afterwards?

Sucks balls

Big, hairy, lumberjack, balls

It’s not like I’m not tired

It’s not like I don’t love to sleep

I remember a time when I could wake up in the middle of the night

Wee

Fall back into bed

And sleep for hours

Without opening my eyes once

The whole, you-don’t-need-as-much-sleep once you get older

Is it true?

I think it should be you-don’t-GET-as-much-sleep once you get older

‘Cause I’m pretty sure I could sleep 10 hours straight if given the chance

So waking up early, what’s that called?

Besides fucking stupid

It’s not insomnia, ’cause I’ve already had 4 hours sleep, right?

Narcolepsy?

*checks google*

a sleep disorder that causes excessive sleepiness and frequent daytime sleep attacks

Sleep attacks?

I’ve been attacked IN my sleep

Mainly by midgets that call me Mummy that need hugs after a bad dream who then show their gratitude by falling asleep sideways in between Diamond & I, leaving a trail of bruised ribs and snot in their wake

What’s that other ‘N’ word?

Oh yeah, necrophillia

*back to google*

is the sexual attraction to corpses

Right then – pretty sure I don’t have THAT

Although I always had a bit of a tingly spot for Gary Coleman from Different Strokes, and he’s still dead, yeah?

.

So now that I’m wide awake

And have the Google page open for disorders that start with ‘N’

I’d like to share my gratitude for not having

Nyctophobia

a severe fear of darkness

Unless it’s like 9pm and the mall is closing

But that’s more a fear of getting kicked out of the shops before I find the shoes to match the dress that I’ll never wear but totally had to have ‘just in case’

.

Neurasthenia

Fatigue, anxiety, headaches. Americans were supposed to be particularly prone to neurasthenia, which resulted in the nickname, Americanitis

I think this would be better named ‘parenthood-itis’

Or ‘I-don’t-feel-like-sexy-time-itis’

.

Neglect Syndrome

example, a patient in a rehabilitation hospital may wake up in the morning and proceeds to shave his face – only to be told later that he has only shaved half of his face

I once was in such a hurry I only took care of ‘half’ my bikini line

But I prefer to refer to that incident as ‘accidental art’

.

Even though this one doesn’t start with ‘N’

It’s a bit weird, and therefor rates a mention

Genital Retraction Syndrome

the sufferer believes that his genitals (or breasts in the case of women sufferers) are shrinking, retracting in to the body, or may be removed entirely. It is often refered to as ‘penis panic’

I dated someone with this once

I called it little dick syndrome

You know the type girls – big car, big muscles, tiny todger.

Miss HIM

.

Relieved I don’t have any of those

Now I can sleep easy

Now is also a really good time for you to send me drugs

For medicinal purposes only

Or a Josh Groban CD

That shit will trigger a coma


bahama mama

File this one under best trip ever

Diamond & I took 2 short flights to reach our destination

Short, as in he still whined like a baby, got bored & flattened the battery on his iPad playing Angry Birds

He’s THAT good at traveling

And the REAL reason I have noise canceling headphones

But once we arrive

He’s a whole new ball of wax

Excited, hyper

And ready to drink

That’s my boy

They decorated our room every day with flowers

Which were a beautiful touch

Now, if they could just tell my how to get the stains off my PJ’s

From laying, OK passing out, on floral decorated sheets

Every night, a different animal made from towels

You should’ve seen the mating kangaroo display they made us!

OK, that didn’t happen

Doesn’t mean I didn’t request it

Then there was plenty of this

That go make your head go fuzzy-fuck-weeeeee-I-can-dance-holy-shit-thud!

Or these

That make your pants go what-the-fuck-bitch-there-is-no-way-you-can-do-me-up-now-you-greedy-cow!

My days were spent here

Or to change it up, and possibly move closer to the bar

I would hang out here

Then there’s all the swimming, running on the beach, swimsuit pictures

I’ll post them soon

Sure I will.