8 years later, I’m still smiling. and being groped

8 years ago today I was pretty much where I am now

At the airport

Maybe not in the exact same spot

But the smell’s the same

8 years ago though, I was with my husband

My shiny, brand new husband

We’d just tied the knot here in Chicago

And were headed to Australia to do it all again

We were hungover

We were exhausted

But we were very excited

The Aussie wedding was very cool

Organised by Dad

If you’ve read his new book – you know the whole version of what went down

I could tell you the long, drawn out, funny-as-fuck version here

But I’m possibly drunk right now

And it would help my lazy arse out immensely if you just went and bought the fucking book


Anyhoo, my mouth literally hurt so bad from having two weddings

Not two wedding nights

You dirty bastards

I’m talking about SMILING at two weddings


Which was actually pretty easy

It was such a fantastic week for Diamond and I

There was a lot of smiling and laughing going on

And 8 years later, I’m still smiling

But that’s more to do with the ‘grope-fest of a pat down’ I just got going through airport security

Than being married 8 years

So Happy 8th Anniversary to the smartest thing I ever did

My Diamond

It’s not the most romantic way to spend our anniversary I know

(even though we may-or-may-not-have got in early last night – sorry Dad if you’re reading this)

Separated like this

But, at least one of us got lucky tonight

Thanks to YOU Miss (but totally looked like a Mr) airport security pat down lady

feelings of inadequacy

Did you have video of your wedding day?

I did

But I have no idea where it ended up and have never seen it

Shit like that will go down when you have 2 weddings in a week

On opposite sides of the globe

Rather than dwell on the sadness of no footage of me doing the conga while double fisting pints of Khalua

When I long for memories of my big day

I watch this video

And pretend that it’s really me & Diamond in this magical, fairy land

Oh the music!

The acting!

The sound effects!

The acting!

The location!

The acting!

The visual effects!

THE fucking ACTING!!

No matter what my REAL wedding video had on it

It could never compare to the fabulousity that these Russian newlyweds have come up with

Their imagination knows no bounds

Can you imagine their home made PORN?