not welcome

I don’t even know where to start with this

Deep breath….

Here we go

I left Chicago Sunday night to fly into London for some shows

Uneventful flight made more pleasant by the old lady next to me that smelt like vanilla

Yum

Got off the plane & lined up for immigration

That’s the part where they check your paperwork, if you have any – and stamp your passport

Then send you on your way

I’ve done it more times than I can remember

Piece of piss really

Ummm…yeah….not this time

Apparently I didn’t have sufficient paperwork with me

Then the questions started

What did I do? Was I going to be earning money? What name did I perform under? Why do I travel to the UK so often?

Then I was asked to ‘take a seat’ while the man went away to do fuck knows what

He came back about 10 minutes later with printouts from my website

Pages of it

And yeah, he was holding ALL the BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY pics too

Oh, joy

Then he asked me to come with him as they ‘weren’t satisfied with my reasons for entering the country’

They took my mugshot

I tried to be all cute & pouty like Lindsay & Paris

But I’m pretty sure I ended up giving him my best ‘fuck this shit’ face

Then I was asked to sign some forms

One of them stated that,Β “…if I was detained for more than 8 days, I had the right to appeal”

EIGHT FUCKING DAYS?

So yeah, Β I said I wouldn’t sign that one

He said I had to

I said no I didn’t

I was earning browny points left, right & fucking centre with this dude

He asked me to follow him and proceeded to tell me that, where he was taking me wasn’t really that pleasant, and a little uncomfortable – but it was where any detainees had to be held and I wouldn’t be there for long

A detainee?

Isn’t that someone that’s trying to do something illegal? Like immigrate illegally or smuggle drugs

Neither of which I was trying to do

Then he and another man took all my stuff & searched me

They took my phone, my bag, my water, my computer my TWIZZLERS, and a little piece of my dignity

I wasn’t allowed to have anything with me

This day was turning to shit at a rapid pace

So I was put in a room with 8 other people

Make that 8 men

That didn’t appear to speak english (to me anyway)

And spent most of their time on the public phone, praying to Allah, or giving me filthy looks

Oh yeah, the public phone? Β I asked for change so that I could use it to make a call, and was told there wasn’t any

All the coins had been given to my fellow inmates

My roomies were fucktards

At least I didn’t have to worry about becoming anyone’s prison bitch – I was very happy to not be their type

A lady came & got me for an interview

Yeah, I thought – a woman – she’ll be nicer and we’ll get this shit sorted

Oh, how wrong I was

Immigration lady had herself a raging case of PMS – or maybe she was just born a bitch

I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt

She wanted to know was I married, how many kids, what did my husband do, why were there penis’ on my website?

It was pretty much the suckiest interview ever

Then she took me back to the room from hell – where my 8 buds were so happy so see me

Like, look up from their Korans – spit on the floor, kind of happy

So as they prayed, I sang “God Bless All the Little Children” as loud as I could

And it may come as a shock, but I couldn’t remember the the words

So I belted out an inspired (if I do say so myself) version of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F

And I know, maybe this post is taking on a racist tone

But you know what?

I wasn’t given a prayer mate

So what if I don’t pray? I totally could have done some yoga

They were given toiletry bags, with toothpaste etc

I wasn’t

But I’m taking that as a compliment

Because I smelt like a bed of roses and didn’t need one – and they smelt like moldy goats

Soooooo

Seven hours and six more interviews later

That’s right, SEVEN FUCKING HOURS

I was deemed unwelcome and refused entry

Even as I type that I can’t quite believe it

Are you fucking kidding me?

When I work in the UK, I put money INTO the economy

Granted, it’s not a squillion dollars

But fuck – I pay taxes

And this time they tell me I require different paperwork – as it’s a ‘grey area’ and subject to interpretation

Really? I would expect that immigration issues should be pretty black & white

And not subject to the whims & moods of the person that happens to be working the day I enter the country

So it could have gone either way for me

As I’m typing this from my office in Chicago, I think you all know which way it DID end up going for me

I was escorted through London airport by 3 immigration officers

All the way onto the plane

I asked to stop to go to the toilet

They said no

I asked to stop so I could buy a bottle of water

They said no

Yesterday was officially one of the most ball-sucking days I have ever had

And I appreciate there are so many people out there that have it worse

But I’m pissed

I’m pissed that I was treated like a fucking criminal, fingerprinted and all

I’m pissed that my 8 buddies were ALL permitted to stay in the country

And I’m really pissed that the shows had to be cancelled

I’m sorry to all of you that were coming out to see me

Starting today, I am going to try to reschedule them, and also add in some extra places

I guess that’s a good thing, yeah?

I’m also going to make sure I have MORE than enough paperwork to satisfy the ‘powers that be’ next time I head to the UK

Passport, work visas, itinerary, birth certificate, baby album, grocery shopping list, love letters, school report cards

You name it, I’ll fucking have it

I’m bummed I’m not going to get to catch up with some of my buds that were coming to the shows

I’ll be back though, I promise

I just need to make sure they let me in next time

Anyone know where I can buy a Burka?


*UPDATE*

Just found out that 3 of the 4 shows were sold out, which is kinda awesome – and kinda sucky too ’cause I can’t do the shows!

You know what, you guys are fucking brilliant – your comments, emails etc have been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly cool, funny, supportive and just plain fucking great. THANK YOU!

New tour dates & venues will be posted soon – but mark these dates in your calendars: 17th Β – 31st January 2011

I’m going to try again!! x








34 comments

  1. WTF is wrong with this CoUNTry? They let in scrounging bastards who would rather send our hard earned money out of the country than

  2. WTF is wrong with this CoUNTry? They let in scrounging bastards who would rather send our hard earned money out of the country than letting in someone who is a total legend.
    I am sorry Jenny that you were at the end of the twats at immigration, their feelings certainly don’t portray how the rest of us Brits feel.

  3. That really sucks Jen, unbelievable that shit like that can happen in this day and age. Fuck it, you’ll totally rock it when you go back. Are the immigration people there blind and deaf, how could they not know who you are and what you do. I don’t know about anywhere else, but you’re world famous in New Zealand!

  4. oh my fuck – what a bunch of wankers! i really hope that they choke on the prayer mats that the other mouldy goat detainees have pissed on. Sorry you had to go through all of that shit and expense and most of all that you weren’t able to give them the right telling off that i am sure you wanted to. Fuckem Jen!

  5. Wow. Just wow. That sux. Big, sweaty, hairy donkey balls kinda sux.
    Cranky bitch obviously couldn’t get tickets for your show and had to make the rest of the audience suffer.
    Look on the kinda-bright side. I’m sure you can turn that one into a fuck-you song!
    Hope things get better for you and you can reschedule the shows.

  6. Oh My FUCKING what the??? What I want to know is exactly how far up their arses they had to shove those poles that they couldn’t at least crack a smile whilst ‘researching’ your website…. I cannot wait to hear the ‘fuck-you’ song you come up with for your newfound ‘friends’ ARGH!!! I say the next time you go back to the UK you add a TONNE of shows and only eat and drink imported food and alcohol! The loss of income on the local alcohol sales alone should be enough of a slap on the wrist for them πŸ™‚

  7. Bet if you had thought about putting a fucking dot in the middle of your forehead they would of let you in like a shot, then given you a house, car, pension and work permit for the next ten years. Grrrrrrrr this country needs you so sorry your not coming. x

  8. Jen that makes me ashamed to be british
    did you try to bribe them with some free tickets ?
    maybe you should have lol.
    as someone has already said paint a dot on your head & pretend you cant speaK english & they will give you a house & everything.

    PS do you reckon you could include portsmouth or southampton on you new tour just so we can come along again

    PPS YOU ROCK

  9. That sucks donkeys balls :/

    That happened to some guy who worked on one of those crappy morning shows daughters last year and they did a big thing on it. Guess nothing has changed much. You’d think they’d have more love for Aussies but it’s easier getting into Europe than England from what I’ve been told.

  10. farking hek mate.. ive just sat down to organise my ticket for tonite show in wrexham.. gutted for yuo and yes we all do give a fook.. im sure there is going to be a smash pop hit for you from this story… yuo’re are worse than me for being a shit magnet!! πŸ˜‰ – i’ll sponsor your sorry arse next time my little hobbo!! xxx

  11. That just about sums up the “UK” these days………….. and they wonder (still) why sooooooooooo many want to get the hell out of this place!?

  12. Bloody hell jenny that is so bad. Bloody disgusting how you were treated. But this the sad state that this country is going. It is certainly not Great! britain anymore. Look forward to seeing you when u get here next time and cant wait to hear a song about all this. x

  13. FFS Jen this is unbefuckinglievable!!!!!! Bastardos!!!!!!!! OK build yourself a burkha ‘eh and you’ll sail thru!!! Put Portsmouth on the list too eh! You need a hug!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  14. wat a bunch of fin tosspots, as mentioned earlier in comments just think how mny songs ull be able to write to bury the wankers. hope to catch you on your next uk tour.

    dave.

    p.s. if u need to get into the uk dial 1-800-getmein fast reliable serve to get you across all borders ;-]

  15. Sounds like Great? Britan is getting like Australia (Queensland used to be ). Remember years ago another Aussie preformer similar to you and Kevin, Rodney Rude was kicked out and arrested in Queensland bacause he said fuck on stage. Good to see that Australia woke up to it self and got some common sense. You are welcome back home anytime. Berka or no Berka. (dont go hiding your sexy faceand body!!!)

  16. I was reading on….and ‘yeah, where’s the punchline?’ … *clink* that was the sound of the penny dropping, that this is not a wind up! (Or make that the pounds dropping when my taxes are paying for your ex cell mates!) Crazy! This country is really going to the dogs! Loves Ya Jen come back soon! Suse xx

  17. I have to ask, is their immigration laws like ours? are you now on a 3 year ban from there? i damn well hope not, but anyway if so just come on back down under and we will help ya out, we can disguise you like a kangaroo and ship you their in a bbq box! πŸ˜›

  18. Fucking morons!!! They better let you in for your Scottish Dates in September 2011..or I will hunt them down personally!!

  19. This makes me so fucking angry about this shithole we call a country….. you, decent, honest, hard working, of English descent, speaking English as a first language…. and you get refused entry, whereas stinking, scrounging allah worshipping shitheads that scream “asylum” get in free, get housed, get all the benefits under the sun (more than I could ever hope to earn in a fucking year), and then have the balls to stand on street corners preaching their fucking filth urging their cousins to rise up and attack us western scum…. and the fucking police turn a blind eye and get away with it!! I wonder how long it will take them to track me down, boot my fucking door in and cart me off in handcuffs in the name of “aggravating racial hatred” for writing the truth here? answer me that?? Annoyed of Norfolk.

  20. Bloody Hell!!! What a crock of shit!!! I wonder how many people entered the UK that day with drugs and a plan to wipe out the U.K.??? A few, I imagine. From the sounds of your Interviews, review & Treatment, I’d say that PMS was coupled with tattooed “Penis Envy”. WANKERS!!!

    Perhaps all those disappointed ticket holders should write a letter of protest & disgust to the Govenment, Media…and The Queen!

  21. See you did it wrong !……….. what you forgot was the rucksack full of dynamite and a fanny full of drugs…..
    you would have sailed in………….. oh and don’t forget the fake tan !

  22. omg. i am embarrassed to be English. But yeah, unfortunately you got it right. will send uyou a Burka and a copy of the Koran to enable your s,mooth entry next time. on the plus side, were you by any chance filmed, cos they do this programme called “Border Wars” in this country lol. but then again you ain’t the right colour, although in their favour they did turn away a bloke from USA who was coming to entertain with puppets lol. hope to see you back soon Jen and add some moredates so i can see you to. Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire have opened a new theatre, would be good for you to come and christen it. keep it going girl x

  23. Gosh. Golly gosh. And what they all said above…

    Thinking maybe you can change the words of ‘Chocolate’s Better Than Sex’ to ‘Brisbane’s Better Than Essex’… or something. This is why I take photos and you write funny songs.
    πŸ™‚
    BB

  24. I love ya, but you still don’t beat me…i shut down the whole bloody airport… remember???? I’m going to have to send you birthday cards that say “Happy birthday my fellow terrorist….” “from one spunky terrorist to another”…
    love ya… c u soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  25. Bolloks, This country is so fucked up and your praying mantis room mates will be fecking laughing all the way to the bank.

    I am guessing the closest Ms PMT officer has got to a bang all year was when some tried to shove a firework up her crust crack.

  26. That just sucks balls BIG TIME!

    Next time you do a show here you should play “The Bastard Song” and dedicate it to those two tosspots who wouldn’t let you in.

  27. I hope they let in into Perth for your December concert which i’m going to HA HA…..Ican’t believe that happened in the UK. You musta looked a bit dodgy LOL

  28. Jenny,

    The advert for their job must have read “Only brain dead morons need apply” I would say TWATS!!, but TWATS are useful they are clearly not!
    When you come back you’ll need a Burka AND an Afgan passport, their on BOGOF at the moment i here. LOL.

    Take care Jenny see you soon.
    Don’t let the bastards get you down!!

  29. Bunch of useless cunts, I was born here in the UK and am embarrassed to be English. The countries is run by a bunch of bleeding heart liberals and fucking immigrant sycophants. Really sorry to here what happened to you and I hope your going to claim for loss of earniings, these fucking idiots need to be held accountable.

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