(my opinion, not my arsehole)

So here’s a little disclaimer for the following post

It fucking totally will may get a little ‘rant-y’

My very loud, angry opinion

So what the FUCK is up with all these boat people coming into Australia?

What’s that other word we use for them?

Oh yeah, ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!

And here I was thinking that if something was ILLEGAL

It was wrong

It meant laws had been broken

There would be punishment involved

Silly fucking me

Illegal immigrants here

Who arrive by boat

Are flown to various locations around Australia

In private, chartered planes

Almost $200,000 a week is being spent on charter flights to ferry asylum seekers all over the place

In the 2008-09 financial year, 32 charter flights carrying 2500 people  cost $2.7 million – an average of $84,000 a flight.

They then stay in (custom built) detention centres

And when that’s not available, hotels

It’s certainly more accommodating than where they have come from

They are given money for food, clothing & other supplies

We don’t just ‘supply’ them with supplies

In many cases they are given the cash

And sent off on a shopping spree

Let’s not forget the medical care given too

Wow!

So all you hard working, tax paying Australians

Are footing the bill for this

For these criminals

They are then provided with financial resources by the Australian taxpayer to pay the legal costs of arguing their cases

One estimate is that the cost of removing an illegal immigrant is, on average, approximately $60,000

It makes me want to go out and punch a do-gooder in the fucking face

I appreciate that this is a country built from the ground up, BY immigrants

But these immigrants worked their FUCKING ARSES OFF to make this country what it is

There were no handouts

They worked

And they worked

They became Australian

They EARNED it

It was not just given to them when they landed on these shores

Now look, I understand these people come from impoverished backgrounds

They are seeking a better way of life

I’m just asking that they do it legally

There is a system in place

We have an entire immigration department

An immigration Minister even

Who knew?

Why not spend some of the private plane/hotel funds

On getting these people here the right way?

Pay lawyers/administraters in their countries to ‘apply’ for them

For legal residency / citizenship

Use the money to process their applications

Then each application is taken on merit

And I’m sorry, actually, you know what?

I’m not sorry

If you don’t speak English

If you have no skills

If your moving here would burden us

If WE would have to pay for your food, shelter etc

Then NO

You can’t come

Maybe that sounds a little rough to you

But there are laws for immigration

And as someone who has met many, many people from overseas

Who would give a BODY PART to be able to live in Australia

But don’t fit the criteria

As in: They don’t have more than $250,000 in assets

They don’t bring a job skill that will benefit this country

They try to do it ‘the right way’

They are denied

But hey, jump in a boat

With nothing but the clothes on your back

And we’ll pay YOU to stay here

I know that a lot of these people are victims of people smugglers

And give what little they have to the man in charge

With nothing more than a promise of a new life in Australia

But if we don’t let them in

EVER

Then the ‘man in charge’ is out of fucking business

Australia is no longer a destination, right?

I appreciate that there are many more asylum seekers who arrive by air

And that there are more than 50,000 visa overstayers here

Compared to fewer than 5000 boat people

But the money spent on them surely can be better used staffing our immigration officers

To help them track & deport other illegals

There is so much money being spent on HELPING those who have clearly broken our laws

I just don’t get it

And what about the security of this country?

A lot of these UNDOCUMENTED, ILLEGAL immigrants

Are from Afghanistan

‘Scuse me, but aren’t our boys getting fucking killed over there trying to help them?

Fuck that shit

And I couldn’t mean that more

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to Korea?

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to China?

‘Cause they’d end up in jail, that’s why

Or with their fucking heads blown off

A bit harsh I know

But shit, it’s totally working for them

The ‘fuck off we’re full’ mentality that so many Australians have

Is not, in my opinion, the answer

But there are days where I absolutely agree with the sentiment behind it

For the average Aussie, working hard

Paying taxes

Chasing a bit of the ‘Australian Dream’

It’s not easy sometimes

And to see others just show up on our doorstep

And be gifted with what most people here work bloody hard for

Is just fucking wrong

Sure there’s room for everybody

But let’s be smart about this

And do it the legal way

Let the people who have followed the law

And have something to GIVE, rather than TAKE

Let them have a shot at coming here

I know my opinion is just that, MINE

And you may not agree with me

But you know what?

I welcome your opinion

If you know more about this and want to enlighten me

Go ahead

Who knows, maybe you can even change my opinion?

Good luck with that.

There’s a great story in Dad’s (soon to be released) biography about the amazing lengths he goes to

To make his grandchildren happy

It really is a beautiful thing to watch

I know my girls think that everyone’s Poppy is just like theirs

Who writes funny little songs about them (clean ones!)

Who takes them on adventures

Treasure hunts

And writes magical fairytale stories, that they get to star in

They have some brilliant, one of a kind books in their collection

Written just for them, by their Poppy

Last time the girls were in Lancelin, where Mum & Dad have a beach house

Dad took them, & their cousin, on a 2 day adventure (all us grown ups went along for the ride too)

Full of pirates, princesses, dressing up

That culminated in 3 little girls, dressed in DILLIGAF t-shirts (Poppy forgot the costumes that day)

Digging furiously at the ‘X marks the spot’, that the map had led them to

In the sand dunes where I’m sure it’s totally illegal

Dad wrote a book about their big adventure, using photos he’d taken of them over the 2 days

“Miss 6 & Miss 4 – The Fair Dinkum Fairy Princesses”

My brother’s boys have a fantastic book Dad wrote for them too – “Deaf Captain Bungeye & his 2 dickheads deckhands, Lefty &Righty”

.

Having a bit of time while we were in Carnarvon (& having sent off the final draft of his biography) had Dad thinking of his next project

And this is how it starts…

He went shopping

Then he tells me & Mum he wants us all to go for a walk on the beach

And for me to bring my camera

I’m assuming there’s some topless sunbathers he wants to perve at get his pic taken with

Then he’s like, what’s THAT?

I’m like, what’s WHAT?

THAT, he says, pointing at the rocks

Then I realise what he’s up to

It’s the beginning of another treasure hunt

And I’m the photographer for the next book

So I snap away

Oooooh, TREASURE!

And I’m thinking, ummm Dad….that’s lovely and all…but I have 2 daughters…who don’t share for shit and they don’t share well at the best of times

And as I’m working out ways in my head to cut this little treasure chest in half without ruining the whole thing

He starts pointing again

What’s THAT?, he says again

Oh, OK Dad…you win…you’re ahead of me here

Well, would you look at that!

And even Nanna’s in on this one

They get just as much joy out of this as the kids do

Lucky I’m on my way home

‘Cause once the girls find out about this, they’ll be DYING to get their hands on their new treasures

I had to have a little peak

And it’s pretty safe to say Miss 6 & Miss 4 are going to lose their shit when they see this stuff

It’s totally, what Miss 4 would call, the MOTHERWOAD!

The world’s best Poppy has done it again

Can’t wait to read the book!

I don’t even care if this is true – it made me laugh my box off all day

January 07, 2010 -Johnstown, PA – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

“Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest.”Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups,”growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.”"In fact,” said the organizer,”motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it…ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960′s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist.”They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me `La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

“I…I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he…he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was,`You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee.”We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and `farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail.”That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.

From 140mph.ning.com

Who knew Bikers were such funny fuckers?

I think I might just want to be one when I grow up

Got my outfit ready & I’m raring to GO BABY!

So I get home from the gig last night

I was hungry

Put my PJs on

Still hungry

Skype Diamond and the girls

Really hungry

Decided to peruse through my delicious range of healthy snacks that I’ve been traveling with on this trip

And by delicious, I mean, tasteless, cardboard crap

I opened by bag of barely edible munchies

And had decided to go with a bowl of cereal

Who wouldn’t want a serving of fibre and nuts instead of a Snickers from the mini bar?

And there, in my bag o’ hell was this

OK, not THAT actual cockroach

But a fucking cockroach non-the-less

Now I know, I’m a Kalgoorlie girl

And am tough as shit

(barefoot for the first 5 years of my life

And knocking out the teeth of a 2nd grader when I was in preschool)

The above is probably bullshit

But it’s how I choose to remember it

But Kalgoorlie kid or not, I totally shat myself

You think I’m kidding?

.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, a FUCKING COCKROACH IN MY FOOD SUPPLY

It’s like the universe WANTS me to bury my head in the chocolate covered delights of my hotel room fridge

It’s obvious the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck that I will be vactioning with small children soon

With a swim suit on

Hear that universe?

These children will be scarred for life – permanently curled up in the fetal position

‘Cause you, in all your universe-y wisdom-y, put a God Dam insect in my shit!

.

And in other news – this whole dying a slow death healthy eating, exercising daily bullshit, may just be starting to work

How do I know this?

Because my socks were a little loose on me this morning

I think it’s because they might actually be Dad’s socks, that got mixed up with mine in the laundry

But fuck it, a win’s a win

Me and my skinny feet are taking it!

.

So I totally freak the fuck out about the cockroach

I think it was because it was late

And kinda dark

And I put my hand in the bag and felt something touch it

Not that I don’t enjoy the odd carressing & fondling

But not by a fucking roach thankyouverymcuh!

.

In my freaked out state I went to bed

After I zipped up my food bag and stuck it in the corner

And had nightmares about cockroaches

All night

Cockroaches, cockroaches, COCKSUCKINGROACHES

They were EVERYWHERE

I woke up this morning the total OPPOSITE of refreshed

But I was ready to take on the beast

I was so brave

I opened up the bag slowly

And couldn’t see it

So I gave the bag a bit of a shake

And still couldn’t see it

Oh, look! There it is!

Dude, that thing was soooo much bigger last night

Like, a hundred bazillion times bigger

There are about 4,500 species of cockroach, apparently the smallest kind was my new visitor

Did you know that cockroaches have been known to live up to three months without food and a month without water?

Me either – thanks Google

So if this little fucker can go so long without food, why is he all up in my business?

I can barely go 60 minutes without food and he wants me to SHARE?

I’ll fucking share you

I should eat you

Which is what I told everyone on Twitter that I did last night

And ummm….I pretty sure most of you believed me

Thanks for THAT peeps

But being the responsible eater I’m so fucking not trying to be

I thought I’d at least suss out the calorie content of the average cockroach

The closest thing I could find is that they have about the same amount of calories as shrimp

Really?

Who works this shit OUT?

Hi, my name is Mr Dorky-Fuck-Face, & I’m a cockroach calorie consultant

It said that they carry bacteria and can make you sick

It didn’t mention that they can also make you shit your pants and have nightmares

Another useless tidbit for you: earthworms are higher in protein than steak

You’re welcome

Anyhoo

I didn’t even bother letting the guest-from-hell out so I could kill it

I left it in the bag, next to the bin in my room

With a note for housekeeping

“Please feel free to keep this bag & help yourself to the contents

It’s all lovely, lowfat food. Except for the cockroach.

He is lowfat but he’s not lovely.

He’s an arsehole”