Talking to the kids this morning on Skype:
Miss 4: Mummy, how old am I?
Me: Four. You are four even though some days you act 16 and others 2
Miss 4: What grade will I be when I go back to school?
Me: Preschool
Miss 4: Do I have to wear undies to preschool?
Me: Yes, YES YOU DO
Miss 4: I think I hate preschool already
There’s been a lot on the news and in the papers here in Australia about female circumcision
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Sorry, were you eating?
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Here’s the deal
It’s illegal in this country
And America
And the United Kingdom
Canada, Netherlands, Italy, New Zealand, Sweden
As it should fucking be
These are civilsed, Western countries
Where women are treated equally & with respect
But there are some people who think they should have the freedom to carry out this barbaric ritual in Australia
.
I understand in some countries female genital mutilation is acceptable
Part of the culture
And abides by people’s religious beliefs
Your country, your rules
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But here’s the thing
This is Australia
Where, as much as it might offend you, it’s OK for women to keep their clitorises
And you know what else?
It’s OK for them to use them too
To touch them
To have them touched
And, here’s where I know it REALLY bothers you
Bring a woman PLEASURE
‘Cause you can twist it and word it all you like
Wrap it up in a big blanket called religion
But what it boils down to is a woman’s right for satisfaction
Pleasure, orgasm even
And that’s the crux of this debate
.
Your culture doesn’t believe that women are equal
Your culture treats them as second class citizens
And their right to sexual pleasure?
Forget about it
That’s reserved for men only
But you know what, I may not agree with it
In fact I can’t begin to tell you how fucked up I think your way of life is
The idea that this custom is carried out on little girls makes me sick to my stomach
As a woman, I find it wrong, repressive & completely repulsive
But that’s just my opinion
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But you chose to come to Australia
A Western country
Why did you do that and insist on bringing your prehistoric & cruel ways with you?
If your country & culture is so vital to your existence
Then why did you choose to live here?
I have to believe that there was something good about Australia & it’s people that made you decide to be here
Then why not respect our laws?
Our culture
And yes, our women
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You know, there’s a lot more I could write about this
And try to be reasonable
Present a thought out, well worded argument
But I think the five words that sum it up best
FIT IN OR FUCK OFF
And take your rusty fucking razor blades with you
The drive yesterday was a long one
From Naracoorte to Renmark
About 375kms
With a few of the usual piss pit stops along the way
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There was one place we stopped
That I won’t name
Because I don’t actually KNOW the name
That will go down as THE WIERDEST stop we’ve ever had
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In fairness to the town ‘that I don’t know the name of’
It wasn’t their fault
There happened to be a tour bus full of people pull in at the same time we did
And I use the term ‘people’ super loosely
These people, for want of a better term were fucking freaks
And I’m not even exaggerating for once
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Let’s start with the young couple sitting on the curb outside the ladies toilets
Smoking a joint
Oh yes they were
Not the weird bit
They were covered, and I mean covered, head to toe, in tattoos
Not the weird bit
They both had white contact lenses in
Almost the weird bit
They had horns
Yes, THAT’S the weird bit
I shit you not
They’d had something imbedded in their foreheads
Two things
Under their skin, to make it look like they had horns
Total fuckery right?
So wrong
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I didn’t have my camera
So I just kept my eyes to the ground and walked past them to the toilet
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Then when I was IN the toilet
I heard someone, I’m assuming it was a lady
Walk in, lock the door in the cubicle next to me
And start groaning
Loudly
Then she (it?) started moaning
I couldn’t work out if she was buttering her muffin
Or pushing out a 10 pound turd
Either way, she gave me stage fright
And I got out of there before I could even do my my business
.
Then I went into to truck stop for a drink
And walked pass a little Asian midget
That made snot actually shoot out of my nose
From trying to hold my laugh in and failing miserably
He was, at most, 4 feet 5 inches
With a bright red face
That was so swollen it looked like he’d been holding his breath a year
And he waddled like a duck
With a cucumber up his butt
And his fingers were like 10 little cocktail sausages
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At that point I was like, fuck this
There’s no way anyone is going to believe this shit
So I went back to the car and got my camera
Walked back to the store to get some pics
But the devil horned kids had gone back to their bus
And Bruce Lee the Ballon Boy was gone too
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I was spewin’ I didn’t catch them
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But then there’s was this
Proof that I WAS still in the twighlight zone
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The photos probably don’t truly convey just how HUGE this woman was
And black
Not like African American or Aboriginal black I’ve seen in my life
I’m talking INK black
And the tallest woman I’d ever see
Fuck, the tallest PERSON I’d ever seen
She just shuffled around the shop
Mumbling to herself
She looked like she was dressed up for church or something
And didn’t appear to speak English
I was stealthy taking her photo, hoping she wouldn’t see me
‘Cause I may be a solid slice of midget fatty myself
But this boot polished pogo stick could have drop kicked my arse into next week if she wanted to
She was like a 8 foot stick of licorice on steroids
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She freaked Dad out
Mum didn’t even get out of the car
And poor Holly had to clean the windows by himself
‘Cause once I got back in the car
I was NOT coming out
Until I saw them all get back on the bus
And drive very fucking far away