My new mate Bush Babe & I were talking about traveling

And all the things you can do to make it easier

Then the subject came up again today with a lady I was trying to ignore chatting to on the flight to Sydney

She said she would never be able to travel as much as I do

And she doesn’t know how I do it

So because I am in a hotel room by myself with no good movies to watch, or friends to hang out with in the interest of sharing

I give you some of my travel tips

How I roll!

~Never pack early – your disorganisation will guarantee that half of your clothes are dirty and you won’t have time to do laundry. Result - half empty super light suitcase

~Stay up late the night before – cramming in all the shit you’ve been meaning to do for weeks. And by staying up until stupid o’clock sewing girl scout patches on Miss 6′s uniform and ironing Miss 4′s outfit for parade day – you’ll be absolutely ROOTED for your flight and will sleep like a mofo for most of it

~Have a drink BEFORE you leave for the airport, and one in the car on the way. Only if it’s legal where you live to drink in the car, which it’s totally NOT in Illinois so I don’t even know why I brought that up *sip* Anyhoo – the drink is to relax you, mellow you out. It also has the added bonus of making you emotional when you check in and when they ask you is your trip for business or pleasure and you say business and they say are you traveling with anyone, you start sobbing, “I’m…on….my…own…*sob*…my….kids…are….*sob*….not…..coming…..*sniff*…” This will make them feel so sorry for you that they upgrade you. Yet another fabbo example of how alcohol can enrich you life

~Leave hours and HOURS before your flight is due to leave – this is a sure fire way to get you there on time. My experience has shown me that if I’m early, there are NO lines & no waiting. If I am late? The lines are out the door and I miss my flight. Murphy’s Law? Fuck you Mr Murphy

~Avoid grumpy looking airline staff at check in – there’s a dude at O’Hare airport in Chicago that I swear to God, gets his period. And he is ALWAYS working the shift when I’m flying out. He is the grumpiest mother fucker bastard ever and has NO business working with the public. Avoiding him usually saves me $100 every trip in excess baggage fees

~Paint your toenails – ’cause you WILL have to take of your shoes to go through security and other travelers WILL check out your skanky feet. Make ‘em look purdy for the nosey buggers peeps

~Very IMPORTANT – pack your liquids in a clear plastic bag & your sex toys in your checked in luggage. Packing your liquids in your checked luggage  and your sex toys in a clear plastic bag can be unbelievably embarrassing, or so I’ve been told *ahem*

~Buy your magazines & books for the flight BEFORE you get to the airport – this will save you the extra $50 in chocolate & candy that you will spend because you stood in line for 20 minutes at the airport newsagency and grabbed a snack a minute whilst in said line, ’cause you have a wine buzz and the munchies

~Bring your travel pillow. It gets expensive buying a new one every time you go away because you keep forgetting to bring it. Plus, it will give you more space in your office closet ’cause it won’t be filled with the oodles of travel pillows you keep forgetting

~Make sure your carry-on luggage has wheels for fucks sake No wheels = bad back. Bad back = Dr visit. Dr visit = prescription for pain meds. Pain meds = wait…pain meds = awesomeness, so scratch all that. Yeah, totally take the wheels OFF your hand luggage

~Check in online if you’re able to. This means you usually get to pick your seat in advance. So you check out where all the empty rows are, and pick your seat smack, bang in the middle of no one and pray that an under 12′s boys soccer team doesn’t make a last minute booking

~Order a special meal. Vegetarian, diabetic, whatever the choices are. Believe me, ALL plane food tastes pretty much the same. But with a special meal, you get your food before the other passengers which allows you to gloat even if you ARE surrounded by a pre-pubescent soccer squad

~Sleeping tablet. Take it with your meal, so that by the time everyone else is served their food, your already snoring your box off and dribbling on your travel pillow that you didn’t forget. Don’t take sleeping tablet unless the flight’s at LEAST 8 hours long. It’s not a lot of fun being shaken awake by the airport police after a short trip to Nashville. I don’t think laying down for a nap and your skirt riding up and showing the soccer team your best travel knickers counts for indecent exposure anyway. Those southern cops are rough man

.

.

You don’t need to watch this all the way through

To see that this old dude is NOT to be fucked messed with

Give that man a medal

Even though technically today is my birthday

I’ve promised the girls that I’m saving my birthday for when I get home

They don’t want to miss it

It’s kind of cute that it’s such a big deal to them

They’re very excited

Probably at the prospect of getting to eat cake & open my pressies

Me?

I’ll take all the birthday hugs they want to give me

.

But I won’t tell them that I already started celebrating yesterday

In the middle of my show last night, Dad walked up on stage

I was all, what the fuck Dad, I’m trying to WORK here

But then I saw the cake he was carrying and decided not to use all my fuck off lines on him

Which was a smart move

‘Cause he knows way more than I do I ended up needing them for the dropkick in the front row

Didn’t I DAMO??

Anyhooo

Everyone sang Happy Birthday to me which was so out of key my ears bled lovely

It wasn’t until I got off stage and had a good look at the cake

That I saw the candles on it

A “T” & a “D”

And I’m thinking, what is this fuckery?

Was the bakery out of “J”s ?

And Mum’s all, oh, that’s ’cause I thought we were doing the cake thing afterwards until your Dad texted me to say we were doing it during your show so I was trying really hard to open the HAPPY BIRTHDAY candles as fast as I could but they wouldn’t come out and all I could get was the T & the D so I just lit those two and ran backstage and gave the cake to your father

And I’m like, it’s okaaaaaay Mum, just breathe

I asked my fellow nutjobs facebookers what they thought the T & D might have stood for, their replies were varied

Terribly Dangerous