the big “O”

No, not THAT big O

*slaps Diamond’s hand away*

So let’s start this one at, well, hmmm, oh what the hell

Let’s start at the beginning for a change hey?

Warning – this is going to be a long one. Not a few paragraphs long either. I’m talking pack a lunch-get a babysitter-prepare for butt sores, long

OK?

You’ve been warned

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I’ve lived in Chicago for more than 8 years now

And in that time, I can’t even begin to tell you how many people are always asking

Isn’t that where Oprah lives?

Where she films her show?

Have you met her?

Can you get tickets to the show?

You get the idea

It’s the same as non- Australians always asking me if I know Russell Crow or Kevin Bloody Wilson

So, I’ve kind of gotten used to telling people to bite me it over the years

I’ve always wanted to go to the show

But tickets were as hard to find as rocking horse shit

Every time someone (ie; my mum or best mate) came over from Australia

It was always, can you get tickets this time??

And the answer was always the same

fuck off No can do, sorry

So imagine the freaky-happy-dance I did last Thursday

When my girlfriend Ruby called

Note, Ruby is not her real name. She said if I mentioned her in the blog, she wanted a kick arse, cool alias name like Diamond has. She couldn’t come up with one – so she gets a stripper name – OK Rubester??

Anyhoo, Ruby is a huge fan of the country group LADY ANTEBELLUM

And she’d been on the band’s website, which was advertising their upcoming appearance on the Oprah show

If you were fan, you could click the link and enter your name, and go into a raffle type thing to win ticks. I say ‘raffle type thing’ ’cause Ruby insists she didn’t WIN the tickets – she earnt them. OK Rubes?

So Ruby entered, and last Thursday she got the call

Someone from Harpo entertainment phoned to tell her she had tickets for the following day’s show

Now this is where it’s finally cool to be country

After years of getting a lot of shit grief for being a country music fan and, shock horror, a country singer, it finally wasn’t an embarrassment turned into a GOOD thing

Ruby decided that because I was a fellow country music fan, she would take ME with her to the Oprah show

That’s right

I totally owe Ruby one of my kidneys now if hers should ever fail

But who cares

I was finally going to the OPRAH-BLOODY-WINFREY show bitches!!

After much squealing by me and covering of ears by Diamond, it suddenly hit me

What the fuck was I going to wear?

Oh sweet Jesus!

Off to the mall

6 shopping bags and many melted credit cards later, I headed back home to make my decision

I was determined to think outside the wardrobe this time

Considering my whole closet is chock-full of black, white, red & leopard print

I was going to shake things up for the O SHOW!

Gonna change it up, I was

Final decision?

Red leopard print dress

Oh shut up

Change is for pussies anyway

Go with what you know, I say

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So the big day comes

Ruby was picking me up before 6am

So of course, my own never to be trusted body clock had me up at the fucking ridiculous time of 2am

Which would have been ok, had I not been up until midnight the night before watching the Olympics

(Torah Bright one gold for Australia in the Woman’s half pipe by the way – hoooorah!)

So there I was, at the Starbuck’s drive thru at 5:30am (when it opened) getting in a quick fix before Ruby came to get me

And my red, leopard print dress and full face of make up at that hour of the morning, totally confirmed for the Starbuck’s staff, that I am indeed, a lady of the night

Back home in time for the Rubester’s pick up

And we were off

Excited much?

Yup!

They tell you to be there by 7:30am at the latest

We arrived at 6:50am – good start right there peeps

Parked across the road, and went to the Oprah building (she has several on the block) and got in line

Note to self: when the lady says, isn’t this a cute makeup case? as she holds your iPhone, she’s probably not going to be a stellar photo taker

They started letting us in straight away, checked our ID and the process began

Which was thorough I have to say

Airport security could take a few tips from the Oprah staff, let me tell you

Within 10 minutes, they’d checked my ID, gone through my purse, taken my bra off patted me down and confiscated my phone & camera

Oh yeah, that’s right – me, whose camera is attached like a hairy mole AT ALL TIMES to my person

Was going into the Oprah show with NO FUCKING CAMERA

But so was everyone else – & I understand why even if I did break out in a sweat

Alone, I could have driven everyone crazy with the constant click clicking, flash flashing & oh fuck my battery’s flat-ing, noises

Imagine if there were a couple hundred people doing the same?

So, no cameras

And no bar what the fuck Oprah?

*deep breaths*

We waited in a room with everyone for a while, which I enjoyed more than words can describe

People watching at it’s FINEST

Think multi-ethnic-housewifey-trailer-trash-rich-jewish-ladies-3-gay-men for the masses

And no camera!

Then they call our names and take us, group by group into the studio where the show is filmed

They seemed to seat us by colour

Meaning, they were trying to spread the colours around the room. Not too much black clothing together – bright colours scattered around evenly etc

One big Oprah rainbow

I was concerned that my leopard print was going to get me shoved well and truly up the back in loserville

And it almost did

Ruby and I were initially seated in the right hand corner, at the back of the room

But then one of the producer ladies (there were several) came up to us and asked of we were Lady Antebellum fans

Our affirmative answer (in the form of vigorous head nodding and us starting to sing I NEED YOU NOW) got us a ‘follow me’

So we did

Further up the front

Further

Until we were, holy mother of God, at the FRONT

Front and fucking centre

How do ya like me now?

It should be noted that at this point, I got the giggles

Which is not uncommon for me to do in times of high stress, anxiety or fear

Example?

Calling 000 (australia’s version of 911) years ago, when our house was being broken into – but not being believed by the fucktard operator – because I was dunk giggling too much to give her my address properly. Thankfully our rollershutter’s on the windows came down in time to make the little fuckers bastards panic and run off – but not before falling in the pool

But I digress how unusual

We sit in our fancy front row seats for a while, checking our watches – ’cause Friday’s shows are always live

And it’s nearly 9am – startin’ time

And this dude with a microphone casually walks up onto the stage & says, in a voice totally devoid of any emotion or enthusiasm, ladies & gentlemen – Oprah Winfrey

He said it so flaty, it took everyone half a second to realise what he’d said

But then we saw her walking out

OPRAH WINFREEEEEEEEEEEEY

In the fucking flesh

And when I saw her, right in front of me, in the flesh –  my first thought was

Jeeeeesus, her head is HUUUUGE!

Like, bigger than my head even

She looked like a bobble-head Oprah Winfrey doll

Like planet earth landed on a midget

And she had no shoes on

And oh Oprah, girl, you have got yourself some butt ugly feet

Surely, in billionare-land, there is a store where you could by some new ones. Or at least get a stunt double?

Or I dunno, maybe wear some fucking SHOES!

I take that back kinda

She’s Oprah Winfrey – her show – her building – her feet – her rules

So then she gets Mr Personality-less to put on her kick-arse-I-want-some red shoes for her

That’s right, no personal umbrella holders for Ms Winfrey bitches

She’s got some lacky to put SHOES on her FEEEEEET

Fucking A I say!

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Told you it was going to be a long one

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So she tells us that today’s show is going have a few segments

Matt Lauer via satellite from the Olympics yawn

One of the Americans just released from a Haiti prison for allegedly trying to kidnap children bigger yawn

Lady Antebellum – THAT’s what I’m talking about

And a surprise guest

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The show starts and Matt Lauer comes up on the big screen and they banter back and forth about the Olympics and who’s won etc

Then he tell Oprah that he has something for her. Something that no one can get there hands on

A pair of red, Canadian Olympic souvenir mittens

And Oprah says, you mean like these ones? – and holds up a pair that she already has

Suck on THAT Matty L

And then she says she has a pair for the WHOLE audience

And I’m thinking, of course she does

Oprah probably owns all the mitten factories in Canada KNOWS people

So, now Ruby and I have our OWN red gloves that no one else has

And you can’t get then anywhere

Except for the 200 pairs for sale on Ebay

But other than that, these mittens are like, EXTINCT for fuck’s sake

.

The segments over and they go to break

And Oprah’s sitting there drinking out of her silver cup with her silver straw

Which I plan on buying a packet of, at the Oprah store after the show

And audience members are asking her questions, and yelling out I LOVE YOU

Dorks

I mean, they’re finally in a room with Her- Oprahness and they’re coming out with the dumbest stuff

Then Oprah looks at me – I’m pretty sure cause my red leopard print dress was hurting her eyes dazzling her

And I say – are you ready for it?

I SAY,

I like your shoes

I know, I’m a spontaneous verbal fucking genius

NICE. SHOES.

And she looked at me and said, thanks

But I know the whole times she was thinking, fuck off honky I ain’t giving them to you wow, make sure you don’t put the camera on that chick there, her hotness might melt the lense

.

Back to the show and the surprise guest

After the ad break, they start showing footage of the olympic snowboarding

Clue one

Then they put a snowboard out on stage

Clue two

Then SHAUN WHITE walks out

That’s clue three right there

And I’ve got to say, when he walked up on stage I thought, this guy has the body of a 12 year old half of the women in that room went, DOLLOP

It was like one, big, collective CRACKING-OF-A-MOISTY

Wasn’t it Ruby?

I’m not sure what the attraction is to be honest

He is a ranga afterall

But, I gotta say, a totally cool guy

Very laid back – with his head well and truly screwed on straight

As apposed to up his arse

I liked him

And after his segment, they sat him in the front row

And for the girl who had to give up her seat for him and go sit up the back?

Sucks to be you lady!

So, now ginger nuts Shaun White is sitting right next to us

And he asks Ruby if she wants to hold his gold medal

I’m thinking she’d have rather held his wedding tackle hand

But she settled for the Gold

And her excitement is a reminder to us all, ladies

Always pack a spare pair of undies

We all got to touch it

It was big & heavy

I would sooooo love to have pictures of all of this to show you

But, like I said, once we were inside – I got nothing for you

So, in the interest of leaving no detail to the imagination

I give you my interpretation

Straight from preschool art class my memory bank to you

The end.

Oh, hang on

That’s not quite the end

Once I got my camera back

I took some pics outside

And in the car on the way home

All mittened up

The END end

No really

It is

THE END

Until I post some video

Which won’t be for a while

So go for a walk or something

I know your arse has got to be hurting from sitting so long

Yeah, mine too

Sorry ’bout that