So the blogs are few and far between

I know this because you guys keep emailing me and bitching I’m having trouble remembering my password when I log in to blog

If I blog every day, it’s easy to remember

If I don’t blog every day, the alcohol consumed in between makes it hard I struggle a bit

I’m also kinda busy

Doing what you ask?

Ummmm, well, fuck all really

Recovering from (an awesome) Christmas

And preparing for (a hopefully awesome) New Year’s

And also just hanging

With Diamond

And the girls

And loving this weather

We’re playing out in it all the time

The girls I love to eat the snow

But, being the shit hot mother I’m not I am, I forgot to put gloves on the kids today

So I told them they couldn’t pick up the show and eat it with their hands

In case they got cold

‘Cause it’s not like their hands weren’t frozen fucking solid already

So they improvised

And ate it straight off the bushes

I know

Their Dad does weird shit like that all the time

It’s hard to believe I’m the normal one

I mean, I eat the snow too

But out of a glass thank you very much

.

With vodka in it

And a splash of cranberry

That’s how us sophisticated bitches roll you know

Here’s some Christmas videos that made me smile

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas

Time with the ones you love

And the ones who love you

Try not to kill each other OK?

A box arrived this week

Since I did 99% of my Christmas shopping on the net

We have had boxes coming out the wazoo since the beginning of November

But this one was different

It was covered in stamps from all over the world

And had another box inside it

I was thinking that I’d never had any of my sex toys things arrive looking so nice before

So we opened it

And there was ANOTHER box

Saving the trees my arse

But it sure looked purdy!

So we open up THAT box

And there was a book

WTF is ELF ON THE SHELF I hear you ask

I was thinking the same thing myself

Until Miss 6 read the book to me

In summary:

ELF ON THE SHELF is an elf doll that comes to your house at Christmastime, every year. You place him on the shelf, and he watches the kids, taking note of how they behave. Every night, he flies back to the North Pole and reports to Santa. In the morning, you will find him somewhere else in your house unless mummy gets drunk and forgets to move him The kids wake up and have to look for him. They can’t touch him, or his magic will disappear. They can talk to him though – but he doesn’t talk back

Anyhoo

Sounded like a shit hot idea to me

The girls now not only had Santa watching

But one of his elves was keeping an eye on them too

.

They decided to call him Stampy

My suggestion of creepy-stalker-elf was rejected

So we placed him on the mantle the first night

And when we woke up, he was in the Christmas tree

We put him back up on the mantle – with gloves on, at Miss 6′s insistence hello anal retentive!

The next day he was in the laundry room on the ironing board

It took ages to find him ’cause I never go in there

But there was still a pile of dirty washing in there too

Where’s the magic in THAT creepy-stalker-elf Stampy?

.

But he’s kinda cool

The girls are fascinated by him

He’s freaking me out a little

Dude never blinks

Diamond thinks I’m being paranoid a fruitloop

Can’t wait to see who’s the fruitloop in the morning

When Diamond wakes up with Stampy

Peeking out the top of his pajama pants

We got just enough snow to start a snowman

Apparently there’s different kinds of snow

Heavy snow, flakes, packing snow etc

Packing snow is good for snow ball fights

And making a snowman, so I’ve been told

The girl’s cousin came over yesterday

He’s 12, and quite the snowman expert

Add the other kid Diamond into the mix and you’ve got yourself a snowman making crew

Fluffy was most unimpressed

He was all like, Dude – you lot have finally come outside

And it’s not even to play with me motherfuckers

So he waited patiently

And only tried to hump the boys once while they working on their snowman

Good boy Fluff

The kids were so proud of their finished work of art

He got the obligatory carrot nose

And they even gave him prunes for eyes

And dried apricot buttons

I loaned them one of my old, ugly scarves

‘Cause last year they used one of my favourites

And it took month to thaw the bastard out

After they were done, I channeled by inner Martha Stewart and made everyone hot chocolate with marshmallows

Fluffy used that time to pounce wisely

He sniper crawled in on the defenseless snowman

And piece by piece, prune by apricot

He ate the poor fucker

He ate his hat

His scarf

So the Fluffster is in the DOG HOUSE or so to speak

This all could have been avoided by  making the bloody snowman in the front yard

DUH!

The only thing with that, is that I don’t get to make the snowmen I want to make

This kind are usually best kept in the back yard

Offensive?

Says who?

I call it art

Let it snow!

Let it snow!

Let it snow!