Now, everyone has their own favourite word for their vajay-jay
Don’t we girls?
And I know boys do too
To quote a crazy old bastard dad’s song, “You Can’t Say Cunt In Canada”
Muff, mutt, minge, twat, tinkle, little flower, tunnel of love
In my house, growing up, my mum always called it a LADY
Oh yeah, that’s what I said
It was MY LADY
I assumed it was because it kinda looked like a lady bug?!?!
But my brother really got the fuck story
He called his boys bits his DOODLE
And don’t think HE didn’t cop shit for THAT in school
In an effort to not let his boys suffer the same humiliation, he taught all three of them the word PENIS before they could walk
Muff was always a word I used with my friends whenever we needed a word for our vajay-jays
So imagine my pure fucking horror surprise when Miss 6 told me last week that she wanted just one more thing for Christmas
Can I please, please PLEEEEEASE have my own muff for Christmas Mummy?
I pretended I didn’t hear her as I reached for the scotch was cooking dinner
That’s going to be my plan as she grows up
I’m just going to ignore everything
Mum, I have a boyfriend
Can’t hear you
Mum, I’m pregnant
Mum, I want to be a comedian too
Jump in front of bus
I thought my ignorance was working, but she just got louder
MUMMMEEEEEEE! Can I please have a hairy muff for Christmas?
I want one just like my favourite doll has
Hers is white and soooo pretty
OK – so now she’s got my attention
Doll? What fucking doll?
Did Diamond buy a new blow up blonde that I haven’t met yet?
So I asked her, while trying my best to keep a straight face
You have a doll with a white hairy muff?
She gives me that head tilted to the side god you’re a fucktard mum look that she’s getting better at
Duh Mum, Chrissie!
My Christmas doll
I know the doll she means
A cute little thing she takes everywhere
I had no idea she had a hairy muff
Or even that she’d hit puberty
And then she showed her to me again
Her muff on her hands
I want a white one JUST like that
OOOOOOOH, so THAT’S what you call that hand-warmer-thingy on her hands
I totally knew that you know
Fuck off, I did!
So I spent a looooong time on the internet searching for a white hairy muff
Google THAT and see what you come up with, I dare ya!
Found not just one, but 2
From a cute little kids boutique in Boston
Paid too much, they arrived 2 days later
And are sitting in the basement, wrapped and ready for Christmas day
But, the one thing that Miss 6 didn’t tell me
She’d asked Grandma for a hairy muff for Christmas too
And Grandma came over yesterday with 2 hairy muffs
A white one for Miss 6
And a black one for Miss 4
So my mother-in-law has out-muffed me this Christmas
And the girls Muffs hang pride-of-place on the toy room door
And my poor unwanted, reject muffs are sitting useless downstairs
Can you even return muffs if they’re unused?
FYI – I’m laughing my arse off as I hear Miss 4 upstairs, jumping on her bed yelling
I have the hairiest muff. The blackest hairiest muff”
Oh, if only she knew
She’s part Italian, so one day there’s every chance that that comment is going to come back and bite her in the arse
And cost her a fortune in waxing