OK

So I was thinking about what sort of post I wanted to have as my last one for the decade

Something profound?

Memorable?

And I thought, you guys can go read someone elses blog for that shit

So in the interest of saving time

For me & you

There’s alcohol to be consumed you know

Like DUH – it’s NEW YEAR’S EVE

Instead of a blog

I’m going to do a list

Which is a lot like one of my blogs really

Short sentences, one after another

Only with HEADINGS

OOOOOOH

Going through my favourite things of 2009

Here goes…

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FAVOURITE ALBUMS:

I realise that some of these were released before 2009. I think we’ve already established that I’m a fucktard

• the music of GLEE

• taylor swift- fearless (when something is played EVERY FUCKING DAY in your house, it grows on you, you know?)
• train – save me san francisco
• jenny talia – the blonde leading the blonde(made my faves list, just becasuse I got it fucking FINISHED!)

• across the universe – the soundtrack (beatles covers)
• brad paisley – american saturday night (the one album that Dad & I could agree on backstage)

FAVOURITE SONGS:

(different to albums – these were just songs that ‘did it’ for me this year – again some were released ‘fuck knows when’)

• you’ll always find your way back home – hannah montanna soundtrack (Don’t laugh you fuckers. If you saw Miss 4 bust a move to this at cheerleader camp, you’d love the shit out of this tune too!)
• who says – john mayer (’cause this is different for him, and I liked it)

• heavenly day – patty griffin (I love this song every year)
• hot & cold – katy perry (the girls and I danced out arses off every time we heard this – yet somehow I still have an arse?!?!)
• smile – uncle kracker (great song to use for a photo slideshow)

• looking out – brandi carlile (’cause I just love listening to this chick sing)

FAVOURITE SHOWS (that we played):

(we had a year full of great shows, but these ones came to mind first)

• the grove – dunstable UK (the audience were 11 out of 10)
• vicar st – dublin (the best sing-a-long  - the Irish accents helped)

• north sydney leagues – sydney (where I caught up with mates & that snobby chick spewed)
• christchurch – new zealand (where I was warned they’d be loud – and they were right – awesomely so)

• ferntree gully – victoria (where we celebrated Dad’s 25th year in the biz)

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FAVOURITE BLOGS:

I chose these ones based on your feedback

• room service (hotel henry)
• park etiquette (trailer trash mama)
• trick or treat (ignorant immigrant fucktard)
• don’t worry bee happy (poor diamond!)
• hairy muff (& being outdone at Christmastime)
• all the ‘oh betty’ blogs (you guys couldn’t decide which was your fave)
• dear fucktard (stud muffin in the room next door)

FAVOURITE STORIES:

• Tiger Woods

“Um, Tiger? You can marry the blondest, most Nordic-looking chick on the planet – but if you cheat, she will go ghetto on your ass”….quote from one of my favourite bloggers - happy meals and happy hour

• H1N1 Epidemic – oh really? (watch me get struck down by it now that I’ve been a smart arse!)
• Jon & Kate – the colossal clusterfuck that won’t go away
• miracle on the hudson river – amazing, amazing, AMAZING!

• iPhone OS 3.0 was released – and I FINALLY got one!

I’ve decided

That if I can have

Half as much fun

At work

In 2010

As I did in 2009

Then it’s going to be

A ball tearer of a year

Bring it on!!

Well, it’s that time of year again

I thought about posting a really funny New Year’s video

One that would make you piss yourself laughing

And then I thought

NAH

I’ll post this one instead

And I’ll just piss myself thinking about you sitting through it

Doesn’t everyone love some ABBA?

Oh, just me then

HAPP NEW YEAR!

Diamond and I are going on a little vacay next month

To the Bahamas

I know, you’re probably thinking

How romantic

Well, all I’m thinking about is

How THE FUCK AM I GOING TO WEAR A PAIR OF BATHERS IN PUBLIC

So, because I’m so totally fucking gifted at leaving things to the last minute

Except for Christmas shopping

I had that shit done in November

But shopping is FUN

Excercise?

Losing weight?

Well, I want need to lose 50 pounds

In under a month

.

I figured I could stop eating now

And just drink red wine ’til then

And I might stand a chance of pickling myself

.

But I don’t want to teach my girls bad habits

Like eating pizza for breakfast

And swearing like a female prisoner officer with PMS

And pulling your knickers out of your bum in public

Yeah, lucky I totally don’t do any of those things

.

I was doing so well before

Exercising like, oh I dunno

At least 10 days in a row

Which has got to be some kind of record for me

There was even one day there where I broke out in a sweat

Either that, or I fell asleep on the exercise bike and knocked over my water

Either way, my face was wet

.

Then I – as they say – ‘fell off the wagon’

What the fuck does that even MEAN?

Fell off the wagon?

Why not, FELL INTO THE FRIDGE, FACE FIRST, WITH MY MOUTH OPEN?

Or what about, FELL OFF THE TREADMILL AND WOKE UP AT FATCAMP

Anyhooo

I fell off the wagon BIG TIME

.

So I headed into the dungeon basement today

Where my fiercest enemy lives

No, not the vacuum cleaner

Although I think that’s where Diamond we keep it

.

And amongst all the shit boxes and crap stuff

Was this

It looks evil doesn’t it?

So I dust it off got it started

And I was going to blast out some Cyndi Lauper & Dolly Parton really cool tunes

When I remembered that Diamond had installed a totally pathetic cute

SEVEN INCH TV for me in there

Yo Diamond – did I not get you a 50 INCH PLASMA TV 2 CHRISTMASES AGO?

What the fuck dude?

7 inches?

God, sometimes I think you boys actually BELIEVE us when we tell you size doesn’t matter

.

And was diappointed was surprised to find it the treadmill still worked

‘Cause I actually got it for Christmas LAST YEAR

And was worried that because I’d never used it that I’d left it turned on for like, 11 MONTHS

So woo fucking hoo and happy, happy joy

It works fine

FUCK

But the whole 7 minutes half an hour I was on it

I was looking around the room

And checking out all the crap stuff we have stored down there

There’s Halloween decorations

Which remind me of candy

.

Easter decorations

Which remind me of chocolate

.

Valentine’s decorations

Which reminds me of candy AND chocolate

And I’m all like, fuck this shit

I quit

So I go upstairs and am faced with this

And this

And this

I mean shit, no ones will power is THIS strong

It’s lovely that people give you all of this at Christmas

But if they keep it up, I won’t be sending out any Christmas cards next year

On account of the fact that I spent all my postage money at JENNY CRAIG!!!

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So, to keep me on the right track

I went to my room and got my favourite jeans out

That were too tight

I figured trying to squeeze into them might keep me motivated

And guess what?

Yep, they’re still too tight

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Which proves to me that I need to stay away from the chocolate

.

I want my money back

My treadmill doesn’t fucking work