How was your Halloween?
I know everyone doesn’t celebrate it
It’s not really a huge deal in Australia
It’s getting bigger every year in the UK
And as always, it was widely celebrated here in the U.S
Especially at our house
The kids love it
And it’s always been Diamond’s favourite holiday
So we go all out
We decorate the house
We go to Halloween parties
We dress up
And of course, we trick or treat
Having Halloween fall on a Saturday this year was great
The kids had all their parties at school during the week
Then come the weekend, we got to do the best part
get free candy Trick or Treat!
We even dressed Fluffy up
Not a complete costume mind you. Most Halloween costumes only come in small, medium and large. If you’re lucky, you might find the odd costume in extra large – but they don’t make them in ‘horse’
So we strapped a little circus monkey to him and pretended he was a circus elephant
And didn’t that thing drive him nuts?
And bless his little furry feet, ’cause that monkey on his back turned out to be a monkey on his back
So he ate it
Of course he did
We headed off around 4pm in our neighbourhood, with the wagon in tow. Past Halloweens have proven that the girls little candy bags fill up faster than I can eat really quickly, so we empty them out into the wagon as we go
And the girls this year?
We have Wonder Woman, and Super Cat
We let the kids decide what costume they wanted us to wear this year cause it couldn’t be any worse than what we’ve chosen for ourselves before
Miss 6 Wonder Woman decided that Diamond should be Captain America, so they could fight crime together
Miss 4 Wonder Cat decided that I should be Cleopatra, so….ummmm…well… who knows why? That kid is always coming up with weird shit
So off we went, Wonder Woman, Captain America, Wonder Cat (who by the way, was just a regular cat until she heard her sister was WONDER Woman) Cleopatra, and Fluffy, the pissed off elephant dog, with the monkey on his back
About 2 hours into it, we were looking pretty good. I mean good in the ‘candy’ way. And possibly good in the ‘looks’ way, if you count all the people that stopped to take our photo
OK, so they were really only taking Diamond’s Captain America’s photo. I think that had something to do with him flashing his shield and yelling, “Captain America. here to save the DAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” at everyone that drove by.
We were in a great mood
I think the traveling bar helps
We used to just travel with an esky (cooler) but apparently that’s illegal blah, blah, blah
Now we have a box, filled with ice and beer
That just happens to be disguised as a carton of Snickers Chocolates
I know, genius
We were walking past some townhouses in our area that we don’t usually go to, ’cause they have sucky candy
But this year, one of them had decorations coming out the wazoo, so we decided to check it out
I was holding Fluffy, so Diamond took the girls up to the door while I waited on the footpath
Then this weird dude came out of one of the other townhouses and walks up to me
I was trying to work out what he was dressed up as
I think he was going for the fat, couch potato, loser look. His costume was awesome
He says to me (in a really think Polish accent)
Are you doing the Hellowin?
Me: The what?
Polish Sausage: The Hellowin?
Me: Oh, you mean Halloween? Yeah mate, I’m doing the Halloween
Polish Sausage: Do you know how many children die on this day?
Are you fucking kidding me?
How is it, that I’m able to attract fuckwits like this on such a regular basis?
I need to change my perfume, or my undies more often, or something
This shit is getting OLD
Polish Sausage: Why you do this?
Me: Why I do what?
Polish Sausage: Why you out here doing this bad American thing, when there are so many children dying?
Now this is the kind of fucking psycho loser that gives all immigrants a bad name
And now I’m pissed
Me: What the fuck are you on about mate? I’m having a hard time understanding you. See, I’m speaking English. You should try it, being in AMERICA and all
He takes a step towards me, and I’m shitting myself now waiting for Captain America to come back and see him and kick his ignorant arse back to Poland
I needn’t have worried, as he stepped towards me, Fluffy started pulling on his chain and growling
I’d never heard Fluffy growl before, and I gotta tell you, it’s fucking awesome!
Polish Sausage: American’s are stupid. Stupid customs, while there are children dying
Me: What are they dying of mate? Food poisoning from too much candy? You need to lighten the fuck up
Polish Sausage: No, in Sudan. The children are being slaughtered everyday in Sudan
What a prize fuckwit this guy is turning out to be
Me: Well then, why don’t you go to fucking Sudan and save the children then dude. Obviously you don’t like it here
He takes another step towards me and Fluffy starts going nuts. Barking, growling – I was struggling to hold him back
Me: You need to back off mate, or my dog’s going to eat you. And I’m going to fucking let him
Polish Sausage: You typical American woman. Ignorant
Yeah, he’s a real observant mother fucker this one
‘Cause the Australian accent sounds soooo much like the American one
Oh God how I wanted to let Fluffy go and chew his fucking arm off. Then I could pick it it up and whack the dumb fuck over the head with the soggy end
But I didn’t want to have to clean up the mess
So I’m yelling, sit, sit. FLUFFY SIT!
So he SHIT
Right on the guys front lawn
Man, that dog is awesome
Happy HELLOWIN ARSEHOLE!