Someone I know loves chocolate

She loves her friends

Her family

And is fiercely loyal

She’s a really fast runner

Loves eating fresh bread, with jam and whipped cream on it

She has the most contagious laugh in the world

She’s a chick flick junky, the crappier the better

She knows the words to every Cliff Richard song

And does a mean hucklebuck

She been married nearly 40 years

Has no trouble typing with her ‘talon like’ finger nails

Will cry if you cry

Has more patience than I could ever dream of having

And those she loves, know it every day

As a wife, she’s irreplaceable

She treats her friends like sisters, and her sisters like friends

As a daughter, she’s completely devoted

And as a mother, she’s what I aspire to be

As a nanna? In the words of Miss 6, she’s the bestest in the universe!

And today,

Someone I know is having a birthday

61 never looked so good

Love you Mum x

I remember when I was pregnant and how I was such a miserable cow

And I remember they used to do tummy moulds out of plaster

Then paint it or decorate it

And you would have a piece of art, that reminded you how fat you were commemorated your pregnancy

And how much of a miserable cow you were

I never did it

I just didn’t feel comfortable with it

With a stranger covering my stomach and boobs with plaster

Then when it was done

Looking at it hanging on my wall forever

I have some friends that had it done

And they’re so happy they did

I think they might also be the friends that make homemade pornos

It’s kind of cool

Just not for me

In other things that are not for me

And totally FUCKING-WEIRD-AND-WHO-THE-FUCK-BUYS-THIS-SHIT-ANYWAY-FOR-FUCK’S-SAKE??

I give you

VULVA NECKLACES

A vajay-jay on a chain

And these things are MOULDED FROM YOUR OWN VAJAY-JAY!!!!!

The description goes on to say

Why should you hide your vagina pride when you can literally wear its likeness around your neck. You just share the details of your vagina with Etsy seller,VulvaLoveLovely and she’ll whip up a lifelike replica to adorn your neck

So….

Who wants one?

*crickets*

Yeah, I thought so

.

.

Just one question though – the picture confuses me

I thought we were all pink on the inside

Some of us are chocolate?

So it’s a fairly mellow day at our house today

‘Bout time I say

I’ve been trying to squeeze in so much stuff before I head back out on Monday, my head is spinning

Or maybe that’s the hangover

Semantics

It’s nice to have the kids just hanging out too

I feel like we’re always in the car going somewhere

I’m always dropping them off or picking them up

But today I say fuck it we don’t have ‘stuff’ to do

So I love seeing the girls just play

And this makes me smile

Miss 6 could be doing anything she wants right now

Watching a movie

Playing with her sister

Rubbing my feet

And she chooses to sit outside

And read a book

She’s been out there for half an hour already

And she’s so content

It just makes me wonder whether she was switched at birth happy

And Miss 4?

She’s playing out the front

Well, not technically ‘playing’

More like trying to knock the baby birds out of their nest, while yelling at the top of her lungs

I’m going to KILL YOU

KILL YOU

KILL YOU!!

She’s such a ‘girly girl’ isn’t she?

So I’m having one of those days

You know, THOSE days

Where maybe I should have just stayed in bed

Broken printer/scanner

Broken washing machine

Broken phone from slamming it down so hard after talking to the bank that ‘CAN’T FIND‘ a shitload of my money

(nearly) broken arm from getting it caught in the air vent while trying to retrieve Miss 4′s stuffed dog

Still swollen (and sore) mouth

And as anyone can tell you, music is something that can really snap you out of a fucking evil bitch gloomy mood

And while this song may not do that

It does make me feel that my day, could have been SO much worse

So thanks Dad…

ABSOLUTE CUNT OF A DAY by Kevin Bloody Wilson

And yeah, I know I’m lucky to be alive blah, blah, blah

But after 75 minutes – that’s right – seventy-FUCKING-five-FUCKING-mintutes on hold to customer service where I‘m yet to encounter a mother fucker that speaks English my face is turning purple with rage

So maybe I should check my pulse to be sure

*checks pulse*

Oh happy day

I’m still fucking here!!