I reckon when these 2 guys were getting ready to rob a house

They went through the burglar’s checklist

1. flashlight
2. crow bar
3. black clothing
4. bag for all the loot
5. balaclava

And had no clue what number 5 was, but were pretty sure it was some kind of Italian desert

Then they realised that the list didn’t say anything about a mask, or something to hide their faces

So they improvised

With a black marker

And here I was thinking that we’d end the week without a winner

For BIGGEST FUCKTARD!

After nearly 10 years being based in the U.S

I still get asked daily where I’m from

And it totally doesn’t bother me

Really, it doesn’t

I like telling people I’m from Australia

And I’ve never had anything but nice things said back to me

I’ve always wanted to go there

Is that a long flight?

I hear it’s beautiful there

The people are supposed to be the happiest in the world there

I have an (insert family member) that lives there

You get the idea

People are interested

I feel lucky to come from a country that has such a positive reputation, wherever I go

.

I was 18 the first time I ever visited the States, and I remember people’s questions were different back then

Do you know Crocodile Dundee?

Is Crocodile Dundee a real person?

Where does Crocodile Dundee live?

You get the idea

The Crocodile Dundee movie was some people’s only idea of Australia and Australians years ago

That’s changed a lot over the years

Travel has changed, and a lot more people have been to Australia

Australia is more known to the rest of the world now

You can always Aussie content on TV here now

Aussie sport

And there’s a bazilloin Aussie actors working over here now

In movies & TV

Nicole Kidman, Russell Crow, Naomi Watts, Rachel Griffiths, Simon Baker and so many more that I can’t think of

There’s Aussies kicking goals in the music industry too

Keith Urban, Jet, The Veronicas

One day, when I pull my finger out the touring slows down, I’d like to do more shows over here

Let them know what a REAL Aussie sheila is like

The only Australian comedian I can think of that’s done well here is Dame Edna

She’s pretty popular

So it’s good knowing that in America at least, Australians are doing well, and our country is known for more than Crocodile Dundee these days

I will continue my (self appointed) role of cultural ambassador

It’s fun

Today’s example – a conversation with Miss 6′s school Principal when I dropped her off this morning

Principal: I just love your accent

Is it Australian?

Now days people nearly always guess my accent correctly. They used to always think I was English or Irish

Me: Yep, I’m Australian

Principal: How exciting!

Do you know the Crocodile Hunter?

Oh fuck, here we go again

Me: Do you mean Crocodile Dundee?

Principal: No, I mean the Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin

Me: Know him?

He’s my brother!

She cocks her head to the side and gives me this are you fucking nuts sad look

Principal: I’m so sorry for your loss

Me: Umm….yeah, well…..thanks

I walked off thinking she was a nutjob wondering what she was on about

Then I remembered

And felt like a total arsehole

.

.

I thought I was being funny

And I’d totally forgotten that the dude was dead

.

Ahh fuck

Maybe it’s time to get a new ambassador

Diamond always jokes that it’s a woman’s world and men just have to learn to survive in it

Smart boy that Diamond

There’s not too many things that the blokes can do that us sheilas can’t have a crack at these days

And the few things that they CAN do, that maybe we don’t give a shit about can’t do as well

Well I’m OK with them notice how I can’t think of any?

That can be their reward for having to walk around with those ball bags in their pants

That can’t be comfortable, surely?

Judging by how often I see men playing with their nuts ‘adjusting’ themselves

I’d say having knackers isn’t that comfy at ALL

Anyhooo

In news sure to make men even grumpier

Especially the ones who get laid almost never from their wives

They’ll say

I’ve had sex 3 times in the last 3 years

And now we have 3 kids

I hate to tell you this mate, but you’re about to go down to ZERO

Yep

We don’t need to horizontal folkedance to get ourselves a belly full of arms and legs any more

You can just hand over the sperm

In a cup preferably

And we’ll take it from there

Because now scientists can make an embryo from a sperm and an egg

That’s right, make the baby in the lab

Oh the possibilities

You’d get all these women paying for CUTE BOYS SPERM, just so they’d have a cute baby

But it does kind of take the fun out of it a bit though, don’t you think?

‘Cause while I KNOW David Beckham and I would make totally perfect little humans

I don’t want to have it made for me

I want to make it myself

WITH DAVID

And then I’d tell Diamond the scientists did it

*evil cackle*

.

.

Nah, I’d rather have Diamond’s baby

We do have a pretty good track record of making cute ones you know

So if I decide I want to have another baby, and Diamond keeps running away doesn’t

I can do it without him

I’ll just need to get hold of some of his sperm

How hard could that be?

.

.

FUCK!

Wish I’d thought about this BEFORE I washed my hair this morning

So, there’ll be no jokes or smart arse comments in this one

I know, that’s 2 blogs in a row

I’ll be back to my bitchy, sarcastic best soon

Promise

Until then

Check this guy out

His name is Nick Vujicic

He was born with no arms or legs

And he’s achieved more in his life than most people could dream of

When I first sstarting watching a video someone sent me of him

I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him

But after checking out more of his videos on you tube

And going to his website

You could not possibly pity this dude

He is, without a doubt, a force of nature

And the next time I’m being a baby I think I’m having a bad day

I’m going to think of Nick

And suck it the fuck up!

Truly awesome