Miss 4 & Miss 5 absolutely love the original version of this song by Miley Cyrus

I’m hoping if they hear this dude’s version, they’ll get over it

Another case of NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN UNATTENDED with INTERNET ACCESS!

Dear Jenny

My son lost his arms when he was 9, and now he’s 14.

I’m kid of uncomfortable sharing this, but you strike me as being very liberal and open minded. For the last 3 months I have been helping my son masturbate since he has no way of doing it himself and asked me to help him. I know that this is a natural part of boys growing up and puberty, and I didn’t want to deprive him of one more thing because of his disability. However, my husband doesn’t know about it and I am not sure how to tell him. What do I do?

Wow. Well, I’m not sure where to start with this one.

Firstly, thank you for sharing and making me feel so much better about my not so dysfunctional family compared to yours anyway

Secondly, I’m interested to know how this conversation went with your son the first time. Was it, “hey mum, I’m horny, can you come in here please”? Or was it more like, “wow mum, looki at my raging erection. Take care of it for me would you”? And are his eyes shut while you do it? Please tell me they are

Either way lady, that is some FUCKED UP SHIT you’ve got going on at your house man

Can’t you just get your kid a hooker, or maybe, oh I don’t know, how about a FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?

And telling your husband? Well he’s bound to have been curious as to why your hand-jobs for him have ceased to exist. Maybe it’s time you let him know that you’ve been too tired and your arms worn out

FROM JACKING OFF YOUR OWN KID!

I’m sure he’ll totally understand

After he divorces your arse and gets you locked-the fuck-up!

After a few weeks on tour we start to go a bit mental it can be hard to work out which day it is

The days start to blend into one another

Usually we just know days off are normally on a Monday

This week our day off was on a Sunday

And didn’t that just get us all confuse-ified??

We are catching up with friends on Thursday who have had a baby since we were last here, that we haven’t seen yet

And you know what that means?

Yep – baby shopping

Now look, I’m happy with any kind of shopping

But baby shopping, with all the teeny, tiny, cutesy miniature things you can buy?

Fucking LOVE IT!

And because we got confused with our day off and thought it was Monday, which meant we thought yesterday was Wednesday and today was Thursday

Follow?

Yeah, me neither

Basically we thought today was the day we got to see the baby so we went shopping yesterday to get a present

And we decided to get the biggest bloody present we could find

I have no idea why

‘Cause, well we only had to squeeze it into the car for one short drive – you know, ’cause today’s NOT FUCKING Thursday and all!

So now we have these 2 huge boxes

Squashed in the middle of mum and I in the back seat

For not one, but two fucking days

This is one of those days where I’m happy to be vertically challenged

So I can fit like a fucking pretzel snuggly in my seat

This baby better love the shit out of these presents

But you know me, always bitching and moaning I try to look for the silver jewelery lining

The plus side to all of it?

PRIVACY! to pick my nose the whole drive

This is the last time I ever go fishing with my Grandad

EVER!