Went to the hairdressers this morning

You know, to get my NATURAL blonde-ness enhanced

Yeah ok, I had them bleach the be-jesus out of it

When the white-trash-hooker-potty-mouth-midget look comes in

You’ll ALL totally want to know my hairdresser’s number

OK, so maybe you won’t

Anyhooo

The very feminine and not remotely hetro-sexual guy that poured the peroxide highlighted my locks was asking me what I did

So I told him I said FUCK for a living I was a comedian

And he was all, well isn’t that preshsus?

And I’m thinking, preshus? Rude & crude for sure. Preshus?

Me thinks not

So I’m thinking, OK girlfriend, you just carry on & I’ll sit here being ‘preshus’

And then she he says, what will you do after that?

Me: After?

You mean like after the gig tonight?

Her Him: No, like AFTER you’re done with comedy

Me: Oh, you mean when I grow up?

Her Him: Yessss! Like a real job

Me: I guess I’ve never really thought about it motherfucker

You nosey biatch bugger

Her Him: Well, the whole entertainment industry really is a young people’s game isn’t it?

Oh no he didn’t?

Oh yes he did!

Me: I guess I’ll just see how it goes

Her Him: Hmmmmm

And you know she’s he’s totally biting his tongue at this point

‘Cause he obviously schooled in the art of arsehole-ness tact

Her Him: Well good luck in whatever you choose to do

Me: Thank you?

So I leave there thinking, shit I look awesome how old does ol’ Marvin Gay think I really am?

I think I might just have to go back in there and serve him up a big ol’ bowl of shut-the-fuck-up

But I didn’t want to violate my parole show him I even gave a shit

And then I decided to go to the pub that it didn’t really matter

Embrace it like OPRAH says I say!

I’m going to do it in style too

I plan on be the first woman to go thru menopause…

On a skateboard!

.

.

.

*After I reach puberty of course

OK

Everyone likes free stuff

Right?

Right!

So, I’m going to be giving away some STUFF!

But wait, there’s a catch

Of course there fucking is!

I need you to send me a video of YOU singing / dancing to / fucking up, your favourite song of mine!

You have 4 albums to choose from now

I’ll pick the best one and send you the complete set of my cds, signed

And one of the new JT shirts (ladies only – you can give it to your wife boys!)

Submit your entries to me – jenny@jennytalia.com

I know I’m going to have fun watching these

So get crack-a-lackin’

Lights, camera, ACTION!

**LAST DAY FOR ENTRIES is when I fucking say so TUESDAY 1st DECEMBER 2009**

Also – it doesn’t have to be the WHOLE song, I don’t need my ears to bleed 30 seconds or so is good!

VLOG NUMERO TRES

Hey YOU!

I know these letters should be more formal

You know, ‘to whom it may concern’ and all that crap

But I think, since you kept me up until stupid o’clock this morning

I have earned the right to refer to you as ‘fucktard’

And yes, I mean YOU, stud-muffin in the room next door

There was a big, fancy wedding what a waste of money going on downstairs in the hotel last night

One of the groomsmen hooked up with one of the blinded by booze bridesmaids

They were in the room next to mine

It was an adjoining room, so it had a door between them, that was locked thank fucking christ

So their entire conversation could be heard from my room without me even having to put a glass up against the wall with no problem at all

So fucktard, I’m guessing you haven’t been laid in a while, yeah?

I mean, come on mate, I heard all your pick up lines clear as a bell

“I have a helicopter?”

What the fuck? I’m praying to God you’re a pilot and you weren’t talking about your penis

I’m shuddering to think what you do to it, to earn it the ‘helicopter’ name tag

But just as I was drifting off to sleep, you took it up a notch

Your volume that is

“I work out for 2 hours every day. It’s all about being in optimum shape when it comes time for the love train”

I nearly coughed up a lung oyster over that one. LOVE TRAIN? Oh dude, you are one piece of work

I imagine you bald, with a beer gut and a 2 inch dick at this point

With an extensive collection of extra large butt-plugs in your overnight bag

And the bridesmaid, well you young lady,  should be banned from ever drinking again

Either that, or you should have your license to use your vajay-jay revoked. Surely there are better things to do with your girly bits? You make me ashamed to spell my name J.E.N.N.Y W.O.M.A.N

Then you started with your juicy fruiting aerobics session

Maybe it was sex, I dunno. But you were grunting and groaning like a wild pig in heat

And wow, not 30 seconds later, SILENCE!

Aren’t you the dud fuck from hell stayer? NOT!

Man, I hope you gave your bridesmaid friend a refund

What a waste of a champagne buzz you turned out to be

I was just getting ready to print this note off and slip it under your door, when I hear you AGAIN next door

Only this time you’re on the phone

TO. YOUR. WIFE

Oh Mr Fucktard, you really ARE a cock sucking piece of shit?

So, I’ll just leave this at reception and ask them to forward it to your home address

.

.

And if you’re reading this Mrs Fucktard - you can do BETTER! you can thank me later…