Went to the hairdressers this morning
You know, to get my NATURAL blonde-ness enhanced
Yeah ok, I had them bleach the be-jesus out of it
When the white-trash-hooker-potty-mouth-midget look comes in
You’ll ALL totally want to know my hairdresser’s number
OK, so maybe you won’t
The very feminine and not remotely hetro-sexual guy that poured the peroxide highlighted my locks was asking me what I did
So I told him I said FUCK for a living I was a comedian
And he was all, well isn’t that preshsus?
And I’m thinking, preshus? Rude & crude for sure. Preshus?
Me thinks not
So I’m thinking, OK girlfriend, you just carry on & I’ll sit here being ‘preshus’
And then she he says, what will you do after that?
You mean like after the gig tonight?
Her Him: No, like AFTER you’re done with comedy
Me: Oh, you mean when I grow up?
Her Him: Yessss! Like a real job
Me: I guess I’ve never really thought about it motherfucker
You nosey biatch bugger
Her Him: Well, the whole entertainment industry really is a young people’s game isn’t it?
Oh no he didn’t?
Oh yes he did!
Me: I guess I’ll just see how it goes
Her Him: Hmmmmm
And you know she’s he’s totally biting his tongue at this point
‘Cause he obviously schooled in the art of arsehole-ness tact
Her Him: Well good luck in whatever you choose to do
Me: Thank you?
So I leave there thinking, shit I look awesome how old does ol’ Marvin Gay think I really am?
I think I might just have to go back in there and serve him up a big ol’ bowl of shut-the-fuck-up
But I didn’t want to violate my parole show him I even gave a shit
And then I decided to go to the pub that it didn’t really matter
Embrace it like OPRAH says I say!
I’m going to do it in style too
I plan on be the first woman to go thru menopause…
On a skateboard!
*After I reach puberty of course