growing old (dis)gracefully

Went to the hairdressers this morning

You know, to get my NATURAL blonde-ness enhanced

Yeah ok, I had them bleach the be-jesus out of it

When the white-trash-hooker-potty-mouth-midget look comes in

You’ll ALL totally want to know my hairdresser’s number

OK, so maybe you won’t


The very feminine and not remotely hetro-sexual guy that poured the peroxide highlighted my locks was asking me what I did

So I told him I said FUCK for a living I was a comedian

And he was all, well isn’t that preshsus?

And I’m thinking, preshus? Rude & crude for sure. Preshus?

Me thinks not

So I’m thinking, OK girlfriend, you just carry on & I’ll sit here being ‘preshus’

And then she he says, what will you do after that?

Me: After?

You mean like after the gig tonight?

Her Him: No, like AFTER you’re done with comedy

Me: Oh, you mean when I grow up?

Her Him: Yessss! Like a real job

Me: I guess I’ve never really thought about it motherfucker

You nosey biatch bugger

Her Him: Well, the whole entertainment industry really is a young people’s game isn’t it?

Oh no he didn’t?

Oh yes he did!

Me: I guess I’ll just see how it goes

Her Him: Hmmmmm

And you know she’s he’s totally biting his tongue at this point

‘Cause he obviously schooled in the art of arsehole-ness tact

Her Him: Well good luck in whatever you choose to do

Me: Thank you?

So I leave there thinking, shit I look awesome how old does ol’ Marvin Gay think I really am?

I think I might just have to go back in there and serve him up a big ol’ bowl of shut-the-fuck-up

But I didn’t want to violate my parole show him I even gave a shit

And then I decided to go to the pub that it didn’t really matter

Embrace it like OPRAH says I say!

I’m going to do it in style too

I plan on be the first woman to go thru menopause…

On a skateboard!




*After I reach puberty of course



Everyone likes free stuff



So, I’m going to be giving away some STUFF!

But wait, there’s a catch

Of course there fucking is!

I need you to send me a video of YOU singing / dancing to / fucking up, your favourite song of mine!

You have 4 albums to choose from now

I’ll pick the best one and send you the complete set of my cds, signed

And one of the new JT shirts (ladies only – you can give it to your wife boys!)

Submit your entries to me –

I know I’m going to have fun watching these

So get crack-a-lackin’

Lights, camera, ACTION!

**LAST DAY FOR ENTRIES is when I fucking say so TUESDAY 1st DECEMBER 2009**

Also – it doesn’t have to be the WHOLE song, I don’t need my ears to bleed 30 seconds or so is good!