Oh come on now

Seriously?

THIS IS GETTING FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

One of the many, many things I had no fucking clue about, is when your kids start school, the paperwork and forms to fill in will drown your arse is endless!

Three days ago, I spent over 2 hours filling in forms

That’s right, you didn’t read wrong, I said 2 HOURS!

And I know you’re probably thinking it’s because I’m a total slowy that can’t spell for shit

And yeah, that was probably part of the reason

The thing that pissed me off got me the most, was filling in the SAME form 2 or 3 times

I mean, haven’t schools these days heard of carbon paper or I don’t know, maybe a FUCKING COMPUTER??

I haven’t gone through this much paper since I went on that trip to Thailand 10 years ago and ate that dodgy seafood soup

I got to the point filling in all these forms where I just wanted to fuck with them a bit – and by them, I mean the bastards people that would be reading them

So of course I did

I expect to be called into the principal’s office within the first few days of school over this one for sure:

It went a little something like this

Name: JENNY TALIA (but you can call me genitalia)

Address: I live with Diamond

Occupation: Exotic dancer and part-time camel wrangler

Who has primary custody of your child: Well, I guess that would be the government. Or child welfare. I can’t remember what you call them. You know, the people that keep coming over and busting me for all the cigarette burns on my daughter and picking on me for shacking up with my cousin. You can’t help who you love you know!

Contact number: 1800 IDO-ANYTHING

Religion: Any church that gives me Jesus Juice before lunch on a Sunday

I’m sure they’ll get my sense of humour

Oh well, too late now

It’s in the mail

So this post is kind of delayed

It about something that actually happened the day we got back from Australia, over a week ago

I’ve been dying to tell you about it but didn’t want Diamond to think I didn’t give a fuck out of the kindness of my heart, I decided to let some time pass

Before I tell you the most hilarious fucking thing ever!

About the time my husband, Diamond, almost died

It should be said that I’m relieved he didn’t die, for several reasons. The main one being that every time I told people I was a widow, they’d feel so bad for me – until I started to tell them the story of just how my husband met his death – and couldn’t finish the story because I had to leave the room to change my peed in undies from laughing so hard

So back to the story…

It was a looong, hot, steamy summers day in Chicago

Nah, fuck that shit how ’bout I just tell it exactly how it happened without my usual exaggerations and bullshit thrown in

The girls and I arrived in San Francisco on our way back to Chicago

We called Diamond to let him know our flight was on schedule and to pick us as we’d planned

He sounded kind of weird on the phone I thought he was just hungover

He said

I can’t come to the airport to meet you

Me: why the fuck not? why’s that sweetheart?

Diamond: I’ve had a bit of an accident

Me: Tell me you didn’t smash the car

Diamond: No, it happened when I was cutting the grass

Me: Did the lawnmower take off on it’s own again?

Diamond: No, I was cutting the grass out the back and as I was walking backwards I bumped into a bush

Me: hmmmm

Diamond: And then a pile of bees came out of the bush and started stinging me

So I’m thinking he’s not coming to the airport because he got stung by a bee or two. What a pussy

Diamond: So there’s all these bees attacking me so I ran into the house to try and get them off me

Me: mkay?

Diamond: I go tearing through the house and jump down the steps into the living room to try and get to the bathroom

Me: yawn yeah..

Diamond: But I jumped too high and hit my head on the ceiling and busted it open

Me: You BUSTED THE CEILING???

Diamond: No, I busted my head open

Me: Oh that’s OK then

Diamond: I landed flat on my back and was out cold. I woke up covered in blood and still being stung by all the bees

So this is where I start to get the giggles. Call me a bitch, but I’m not the only one. Every single person, without exception, that I’ve told this story to has coughed up a lung oyster from laughing so hard

Me: Well are you alright?

Diamond: I don’t think so

Me: Have you seen a doctor, gone to the hospital?

Diamond: No – I’ll be right

Me: You’re a fucking idiot Are you sure

Diamond: Yeah I’m good – I just don’t think I should drive out to the airport, I’m having a bit of trouble standing up

A few hours later when the girls and I finally got home we found Diamond, pale as a ghost, with a 6 inch gash across the front of his skull

I should report that he is now fine, and even knows that I’m making fun of him writing this

He hasn’t had too many more side effects to report. The dizzy spells and black outs have gone – and his vision’s back to normal

Although is you ask him, these things had nothing to do with being attacked by killer bees and putting his head through the ceiling

It was all because he hadn’t been laid for over a month

Only my Diamond could make this MY fault!!!

** the above photos are NOT of Diamond or HIS bees. Diamond selfishly didn’t think to take any pics for me of his adventures

Miss 5 starts big girl school next week

She’s very excited and we took care of all her back to school shopping last week

It’s still only half days, but 5 days a week now

Her new school has a lot of boring as bat shit things and activities leading up to the first day to get the kids comfortable with their upcoming kindy classes

One of them was last week and we decided to all go together as a family and pretend to be normal ’cause Miss 5 wanted us to come

We even had showers and brushed our hair

Miss 3 too!

We get there and there’s food. Good start

There’s coffee too so Diamond’s happy

I was trying not to sweat it too much that I couldn’t find a bar. It was a breakfast gathering – so I was going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Or at least until 10am

The principal got up and did a nice little welcoming speach

Short and sweet. That got her 10 points right there

Then the pastor got up for his turn

Yeah, that’s right, I said pastor. She’s going to a Catholic school.

I went to one and look how I turned out?

Stop laughing you arseholes!

So anyhooo, the nice Pastor’s up there and he’s got the kids yelling out and repeating what he was saying

“I love Jesus”

I can’t hear you, he says

At this point I’m also trying to stop Diamond from picking up Miss 5 and walking out

He’s a big fan of religion

HUGE even

There I go lying again

“I love JESUS”

Still can’t hear you

“I. LOVE. JEEESUS!”

By this stage the kids are screaming their responses back at him and he’s pretty stoked

He thanks them all and steps off the podium

After everyone stops clapping and it gets quiet, Miss 3 turns to Diamond and me and says,

Who in the HELL is Jesus anyway??