employee of the month

Arrived at the hotel today

And it’s pretty bloody cold

Turned the heat on but it just blew cold air

Let it run for nearly an hour

And it was still blowing cold air

Called reception, who said they’d send someone up

‘Someone’ arrived a couple of minutes later

He walks in

Man: What’s the fuckin’ problem mate – doesn’t feel cold in here to me?

Me: It’s blowing cold air, I’m freezing

Man: Put some bloody clothes on then

Me: Well in case you didn’t notice, I’m already wearing just about every piece of clothing I own

Man: I guess you’re fucked then

WOW

This guy has obviously been trained well in the art of “CUSTOMER-SERVICE-IS-FOR-PUSSIES”

Me: So what am I supposed to do – spend all day in bed with the electric blanket maxed out?

Man: Electric blankets?

Nah – we don’t have those 

This guy just keeps getting better

Man: You really are shit out of luck then aren’t ya mate?

 

Apologies in advance to all the people at tonight’s show 

I know I’m gonna poke out more than a few eyes with my nipples

If they don’t fall off before then

 

But wait

There’s more..

Mr Fucking Helpful He was checking out my work clothes that I had laid out on the bed cause he’s probably a tranny

Man: What the fuck’s all that for?

Me: My work clothes 

Like it’s any of his business

man: You a fuckin’ hooker then are ya?

I shit you not

That is word-for-fucking word what this dude said

It was almost laughable

(and totally would have been if it was happening to someone else!)

 

 

So the big question NOW is….

Who loves me enough to come and bail me out of jail?

I’m not there yet – but I’m pretty sure the charge will be murder

And I can even tell you how

It will be death by heater remote control

Being jammed so far up his arsehole that it punctures a lung

 

 

 

 

plus size, radios & coffee

We arrived in Barooga today after a fairly short drive

Went up town to see if we could find a place to eat

We did

We ordered at the counter

Then Mum & Dad got a table and waited for the food while…

I went next door to check out a dress shop cause I’m a shopoholic

They had cute things and I was looking at a few shirts when the bitch that worked there sales lady informed me that

The PLUS sizes are at the back of the store

‘Scuse me and what the fuck?

Yep – that’s what she said

MOLE!

How does she know I wasn’t shopping for my skinny little sister that I totally don’t have?

Sooooo pissed off I tell ya

Then as I was storming out leaving, I heard the talk back radio she had playing in the background

It was a football chat station

Man 1: I reckon Hawthorn have had a terrible season

Man 2: Yeah they said they were going to be great this year

Man 1: Talk about a case of premature speculation

Man 2: Yeah – in the words of the great Kevin Bloody Wilson, “it was over before it began”

So after hearing that, I ended up walking out of there pissing myself laughing

So now  vinegar tits that works there, thinks I’m fat AND crazy

 

But the day didn’t totally suck

My lunch was awesome not that I’d know ’cause I inhaled it

 

On the way to tonight’s gig we stopped at Mickey D’s to grab a coffee

And look what the really, REALLY nice girl wrote on my cup

SKINNY

She thought I was SKINNY!!

 

** it’s got nothing to do with the fact that I ordered it with low fat milk OK?

 

sleep over

Had a really fun sold out show in Echuca last night

It’s a beautiful town

It’s hard to believe there’s only 2 more shows left

Starting to get excited about getting home now

 

When we got back to the hotel last night

Mum couldn’t find her key

You’re probably thinking that she does stupid shit like that all the time it’s not the first time

But it actually was

In more than 20 years of touring, mum has never lost a room key

She lost a couple of suitcases once and even Dad a few times

But never a room key

The hotel didn’t have 24 hour reception, so there was no one to give her a replacement key 

My room had a double & a single bed in it

So I lied and said it didn’t told them to just sleep in my room for the night

We got to my room and I made us all a cup to tea

Cause I’m working my way back into the will I’m that kind of kid

I was just starting think that it wasn’t going to suck too bad having a slumber party with the oldies

And then Dad farted

Now despite how much shit I give them you know I love my parents

But I kicked his arse so fast out of my room his false teeth fell out it actually made a SWOOSH sound

I know it was kind of mean

But have you ever smelt one of Dad’s farts?

 

I actually felt bad about it after about 10 minutes


So I went out to the car park and gave him a pillow and a blanket

I’m not a total bitch