Arrived at the hotel today
And it’s pretty bloody cold
Turned the heat on but it just blew cold air
Let it run for nearly an hour
And it was still blowing cold air
Called reception, who said they’d send someone up
‘Someone’ arrived a couple of minutes later
He walks in
Man: What’s the fuckin’ problem mate – doesn’t feel cold in here to me?
Me: It’s blowing cold air, I’m freezing
Man: Put some bloody clothes on then
Me: Well in case you didn’t notice, I’m already wearing just about every piece of clothing I own
Man: I guess you’re fucked then
This guy has obviously been trained well in the art of “CUSTOMER-SERVICE-IS-FOR-PUSSIES”
Me: So what am I supposed to do – spend all day in bed with the electric blanket maxed out?
Man: Electric blankets?
Nah – we don’t have those
This guy just keeps getting better
Man: You really are shit out of luck then aren’t ya mate?
Apologies in advance to all the people at tonight’s show
I know I’m gonna poke out more than a few eyes with my nipples
If they don’t fall off before then
Mr Fucking Helpful He was checking out my work clothes that I had laid out on the bed cause he’s probably a tranny
Man: What the fuck’s all that for?
Me: My work clothes
Like it’s any of his business
man: You a fuckin’ hooker then are ya?
I shit you not
That is word-for-fucking word what this dude said
It was almost laughable
(and totally would have been if it was happening to someone else!)
So the big question NOW is….
Who loves me enough to come and bail me out of jail?
I’m not there yet – but I’m pretty sure the charge will be murder
And I can even tell you how
It will be death by heater remote control
Being jammed so far up his arsehole that it punctures a lung