Parody by JENNY TALIA

Here’s my story sad but true

‘Bout a guy I used to screw

When it was over my heart was broke

He went and left me for a bloke

Horses hoof

I fell in love with raging poof

No happily ever after

He’d rather do chocolate cha-cha

I should have known it from the very start

When I caught him wearing my mascara

And all the other weird shit he used to do

Like the time I caught him trying on my knee high boots

At family reunions the bloke’s would wanna hurl

Cause he’d be giggling in the kitchen with all of the girls

And when me gay cousin Bruce would come for a visit

He’d give him a hug and stick his tongue in with it

CHORUS

He took his own salads to work

Got disgusted if I burped

Like my makeup done just right

I let him do it once I looked like a transvestite

Here’s the moral of the story from a girl with regrets

I never got suspicious of his best friend Rex

Or the manicures he got, his Village People Mo’

And the time he got us tickets to see Kylie Minogue

He liked to drink white wine

Girly movies made him cry

The one time we went to the beach

He perved on the blokes arses more than me

They say that love is blind and hindsight’s 20/20

Didn’t see the signs before but now I see there were plenty

His lisp when he talked, the way he waved his arms

He walked like he was chewing bubble gum up his arse

CHORUS

Here’s the moral to the story from a girl who knows

If ya fella is a fag here’s some signs that show

So ladies let me help you be wise

If he shits when he farts, he’s rooting other guys

By JENNY TALIA

BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

Took a bit of planning but now I’m nearly set

Got the babysitter booked and I bought a brand new dress

Me and me husband overdue for some romance

Fancy restaurant, couple drinks

Then let him get in me pants

Got two hours to get ready so I’m gonna do the works

Give me face and hair a makeover but first things first

Dig out the waxing kit that’s never been used

Tonight I’m going Brazilian, I’ve always wanted to!

Instruction booklet says I’ll be hair free in no time

It’s painless and it’s simple the results will be divine

Grab the first wax strip and lock the bathroom door

Put one foot on the dunny and one foot on the floor

Do the right side first, put the wax strip on

Covers all the way from front to back, this won’t take too long

Take a deep breath, brace myself, here we go

One, two, three RIP

JEEESUS, MARY, JOOOE!

I’m blind, blind from the pain, can’t speak, I’m gonna die!

Clutch myself, clench me teeth, try not to cry

Calm down, deep breath, time to check the strip

What? NO hair, where’s the wax – oh holy shit!

Me foot still on the dunny, I bravely look down

Matted hair, wax everywhere what do I do now

This wax kit sucks, no wonder I’ve never used it

The pain is unbelievable, HOW do how do women do this?

I need to think so I put me foot back down on the floor

Like lockdown in a prison I feel the slamming of the door

The wax has stuck me mutt and butt and seeled them both together

Why didn’t I just shave it off…no I’m too fucking clever!

I’ll get me husband? No, he’d just laugh, bloody MAN!

Me cell phone’s in me pocket I’ll call me best mate Sam

She’ll know what to do, she sells candles, she’s an expert on wax

She laughs so hard she drops the phone

What sort of friend is THAT?

OK OK I can do this, I know, I’ll just have a bath

As hot as I can stand it, that’ll melt it all off

I waddle over like a penguin to turn the water on

No bubble bath, this shit is serious, I want this wax GONE

I lower myself slowly in, Jeeesus it’s hot

Scalding, burning oh my God, hope this melts it off

Just when I think it’s all OK, try to left me arse

You gotta be joking, I’m fucking stuck!

The wax as glued me bits to the bottom of the bath

I’m gonna die in here, where’s me phone, I can’t reach the bastard!

I need some scissors, can I reach them? Yes thank God!

If you’re listening God, s’pose you think this is funny

Well it’s fucking not!!

Always wanted to be a hairdresser, so here’s me chance at it

Carving, hacking, chopping away try not to do more damage

Don’t give a shit anymore how it looks I’m gonna be numb for weeks

No nooky for me, ‘cause there’s no way me old man’s touching me

OK I’m finished, I’m unstuck, I slowly climb out

Try hard not to slip and fall and hurt another part

Grab me little hand mirror from the top shelf

And prepare to assess the damage that I’ve done to myself

Looks like me couchie’s just had chemo and me bum’s one big blister

Fuck the restaurant, fuck the romance

I’m staying home and ordering pizza

I’m officially not in service, out of order, on the shelf

If me old man’s looking for love, he can wax his arse and fuck himself!

By JENNY TALIA

BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I was on holidays touring through DC

And before I left I decided to see

The White House, on one of those 2 hour guided tours

Grabbed me camera and a drink

And started thinking

What I’d say to George Dubya

If I passed him in the halls

NO MORE BUSH (fuck off)

I think it’s time for you to go

NO MORE BUSH (fuck off)

Let someone else run the show

Someone who knows what they’re doing

Who’s not related to you

Someone with an IQ

NO MORE BUSH – NO MORE BUSH -NO MORE BUSH

NA NA NANANA NO MORE BUSH (fuck off)

I’ve never been real political

And I try not to be too critical

Cause it mush be a bloody tough job

Being the world’s mentor

But fair crack of the whip

It’s been one hell of a trip

With a dick like you fucking up

Left right and centre

CHORUS

Now Clinton was a walking erection

But geez, at least he won his election

And got dragged over the coals for his sins

But you can start wars

And you can tell lies

Republicans think that’s just fine

Cause they know they’ll never catch anyone sucking your dick

(‘Cept Cheney of course!)

CHORUS

When Hillary comes in to take your place

I hope she gets us girls to shave

Our mutts, ‘til they’re bald. Yep! Front to tush!

And with one hand on the bible she’ll get sworn in

The other will lift up her skirt and she’ll sing

READ! MY! LIPS!

CHORUS

By JENNY TALIA

BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

Saw an add in a magazine for ‘Supa-Face 2000’

The latest discovery, in facelift technology

Thought, “I could sure use some of that now”

It’s not that I mind the laugh lines

Or the crows feet around me eyes

It’s these drooping lids and saggy bits

Making me look old and tired

So here I am at the doctors office

Laying face down on the bed

She said, “I have here the Supa-Face 2000

I will now insert the knob in the back of your neck”

“So from now on you won’t be looking like you’ve been

Shagging all night and hung out wet

You can give yourself a facelift

Just turn this knob on the back of you head

It will pull the skin up on your face

Make it a little more tight

Once a month though, no more than that

Don’t want you looking like Frankenstein’s Bride!”

So ‘bout an hour later off I went

With me ‘Supa-Face 2000’ installed

Had a bounce in me step and a dent in my wallet

But I was Queen of the World!

Caught me reflection in the window as I walked past

And thought to myself ‘“oh what the fuck”

Might as well try it out now

Just a little twist for luck

I could feel it working straight away

A little tingle all over me face

Looked at my reflection again

Holy Shit I’m a FUCKING BABE!

This ‘Supa-Face 2000” is a bloody miracle

And it didn’t even hurt

I’m an 11 outta 10 (that’s a 10 that swallows)

The blokes are gonna go berserk!

Time went on and I tried to be strong

But it was hard to resist

With each look in the mirror I couldn’t help myself

Just one more little twist

I went back to the doctor 2 weeks later

For me follow up visit

I told him, “Doc this thing amaaazing

I’m fucking in love with it”

“Only one thing I’ve notice though

I’ve started getting these bags under my eyes

I tried turning the knob

But they just seem to get bigger

Is there anything else I should try?”

“Let me see now…Hmmmm”

“Oh Miss Jenny you didn’t listen

You have given one too many twist

Those are not being bags under your eyes

My dear those are your tits!”

“Oh’ that’d explain the goatie then!”