WAX SONG (WAX OFF)
By JENNY TALIA
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC
Took a bit of planning but now I’m nearly set
Got the babysitter booked and I bought a brand new dress
Me and me husband overdue for some romance
Fancy restaurant, couple drinks
Then let him get in me pants
Got two hours to get ready so I’m gonna do the works
Give me face and hair a makeover but first things first
Dig out the waxing kit that’s never been used
Tonight I’m going Brazilian, I’ve always wanted to!
Instruction booklet says I’ll be hair free in no time
It’s painless and it’s simple the results will be divine
Grab the first wax strip and lock the bathroom door
Put one foot on the dunny and one foot on the floor
Do the right side first, put the wax strip on
Covers all the way from front to back, this won’t take too long
Take a deep breath, brace myself, here we go
One, two, three RIP
JEEESUS, MARY, JOOOE!
I’m blind, blind from the pain, can’t speak, I’m gonna die!
Clutch myself, clench me teeth, try not to cry
Calm down, deep breath, time to check the strip
What? NO hair, where’s the wax – oh holy shit!
Me foot still on the dunny, I bravely look down
Matted hair, wax everywhere what do I do now
This wax kit sucks, no wonder I’ve never used it
The pain is unbelievable, HOW do how do women do this?
I need to think so I put me foot back down on the floor
Like lockdown in a prison I feel the slamming of the door
The wax has stuck me mutt and butt and seeled them both together
Why didn’t I just shave it off…no I’m too fucking clever!
I’ll get me husband? No, he’d just laugh, bloody MAN!
Me cell phone’s in me pocket I’ll call me best mate Sam
She’ll know what to do, she sells candles, she’s an expert on wax
She laughs so hard she drops the phone
What sort of friend is THAT?
OK OK I can do this, I know, I’ll just have a bath
As hot as I can stand it, that’ll melt it all off
I waddle over like a penguin to turn the water on
No bubble bath, this shit is serious, I want this wax GONE
I lower myself slowly in, Jeeesus it’s hot
Scalding, burning oh my God, hope this melts it off
Just when I think it’s all OK, try to left me arse
You gotta be joking, I’m fucking stuck!
The wax as glued me bits to the bottom of the bath
I’m gonna die in here, where’s me phone, I can’t reach the bastard!
I need some scissors, can I reach them? Yes thank God!
If you’re listening God, s’pose you think this is funny
Well it’s fucking not!!
Always wanted to be a hairdresser, so here’s me chance at it
Carving, hacking, chopping away try not to do more damage
Don’t give a shit anymore how it looks I’m gonna be numb for weeks
No nooky for me, ‘cause there’s no way me old man’s touching me
OK I’m finished, I’m unstuck, I slowly climb out
Try hard not to slip and fall and hurt another part
Grab me little hand mirror from the top shelf
And prepare to assess the damage that I’ve done to myself
Looks like me couchie’s just had chemo and me bum’s one big blister
Fuck the restaurant, fuck the romance
I’m staying home and ordering pizza
I’m officially not in service, out of order, on the shelf
If me old man’s looking for love, he can wax his arse and fuck himself!
