By KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

He could barely peer over the witness stand

Big black bible in his little right hand

As a tear welled up in his frightened eye

You could see the little bugger was scared

But the judge had to ask the questions

“Do you wanna stay with mum and dad?”

As a hush fell over the court room

He looked up at the judge and said

They beat me

And a tear fell down his cheek

They beat me

As he wiped it on his sleeve

His little chest was heaving

As the judge asked him to repeat

And through his trembling lips he whispered

They beat me

It was like the breath got sucked right out of that room

Seems every heart just stopped

As that brave little bloke in the witness stand

Just stared up at the dock

“Maybe you could stay with a relative

What about your nanna and pop?”

And not one of us weren’t affected

As that kid broke down and sobbed

They beat me

And a tear fell down his cheek

They beat me

As he wiped it on his sleeve

His little chest was heaving

As the judge asked him to repeat

And through his trembling lips he whispered

They beat me

Even the judge was shaking as he reached over and

Took the little blokes hand

“You come up here little fella

You come up here and sit on the bench

And think of the safest place on earth

Where no one would ever beat you again

And you could stay there the rest of your life

Where would it be little man?”

I wanna play cricket against England

They never beat anyone

Can’t bat, can’t bowl, can’t catch, can’t throw

Can’t even fucking run

So give me an Aussie Guernsey

And bring them pommies on

I wanna play cricket against England

They never beat anyone

By JENNY TALIA
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

Woke up Monday in the wet spot

Waterbed sprung a leak

I don’t have a friggin’ waterbed

Great start to the week

The bloke laying next to me says,

“You’re a ‘10’ without a doubt”

“Yeah me name’s Jenny, nice to meet ya mate,

Now get the fuck out!”

Oh, what a shitty day

Everything sucks nothing’s going my way

There’s some guy in me bed

I’m never drinking again

I’m having such a shitty day

Oh what a shitty day

Can’t be late for work again

I’m still the shit

Caught shagging at the office party

It was Christmas, I was pissed

Grab a 2 second shower

Grab me clothes from the pile

Grab me contact lenses

Put ‘em both in one eye

Fuck….

Oh, what a shitty day

Everything sucks nothing’s going my way

Look like shit, feel like crap

And I’m blind as a bat

I’m having such a shitty day

Oh what a shitty day

Car won’t start

So I gotta take the bus

Next to some drunk twit

Burping and farting

And staring at me tits

Piss off ya dick

Fuck off and annoy someone else today…

Oh, what a shitty day

Everything sucks

Nothing’s going my way

Now he’s picking his nose

Oh mate you’re gross

I’m having such a shitty day

Oh what a shitty

Finally get to work

With 5 minutes to spare

Doors are still locked

I’m the first one there

I take a seat on the floor

In no time I’m snoring

A little nap to help me on my way

To get me through this shitty day

Wake up with a start

3 hours later

Just me at the office

And the cleaning lady

She says, “Wow you hard worker Miss Jenny”

Everyone else stay at home

On Public Holiday

Oh…you did not know?”

Oh, what a shitty day

Everything sucks nothing’s going my way

Jump straight in a cab

Head straight for the pub

I’m having such a shitty day

Oh what a shitty day

Now, it’s not such a shitty day

Not everything sucks, something’s going my way

He names Frank, and he’s cute

Could be in luck, get a root

Down our drinks and we’re on our way

Perfect ending to a shitty day…It wasn’t such a shitty day

By JENNY TALIA

BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

It starts when they’re born

When their quarter inch horns

Can already put a smile on their face

When you’re changing his nappy

You see he’s so happy

‘Cause he’s pissing all over the place

It only gets rougher

When he’s a toddler

And you’re forever yelling “Get hour hands of IT!”

It’s a losing battle

Once he’s discovered his tackle

Cause boys think with their dicks

Boys think with their dicks

No matter what the circumstance

When faced with a choice

They just listen to the voice

That keeps coming out of their pants

Their pecker calls the shots

The cock is the boss

Cause boys think with their dicks

Then comes the teenager

With the hormones a raging

Bumpy bus rides give ‘em wood

They’ve got homework to do

So they race up to their room

They’re really in there pulling their pud

Those horny young virgins

Up there tossing and turning

Wet dreams make their sheets stick

He can’t wait to be a man

‘N’ use his girlfriend’s hand

Cause boys think with their dicks

CHORUS

God bless all the girlfriends

Who learn the workings

Like what to do when your fooling around

Like, don’t EVER use teeth

But if you tickle underneath

He’ll make a really weird groaning sound

If you want it over and done

Suck hard, flick your tongue

And he’s guaranteed to come extra quick

If you don’t swallow – beware

Cause it spurts EVERYWHERE

Cause boys think with their dicks

CHORUS

Once you’ve been married a while

And sex goes out of style

And you’re doing it less and less

Don’t be naïve he’s still stroking and squeezing

After all that’s what wankers do best

You can’t ever change him

So don’t try to tame him

Or make him choose ‘cause you know who he’d pick

The love of his life and that was never his wife

Cause boys think with their dicks

CHORUS

Yeah from birth it’s all over

Their jewels run the show

Cause boys think with their dicks

There’s only enough blood inside them

To work one head at a time

That’s why boys think with their dicks!!

By JENNY TALIA

BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I had a pretty average childhood

You know, it wasn’t half bad

Normal brother, normal mum

Then there was me Dad

See my Dad’s Kevin Bloody Wilson

A pretty funny bugger to

A comedian who swears a little a bit

He just talks the way us bastards do

I was 6 years old at St Mary’s

It was Dad and Daughter day

All us girls holding our Daddy’s hands

To march in the big parade

Then we’d head back to the classroom

To talk about our Daddy’s and their jobs

To tell everyone that our Daddy was the best

And we’d brag and show them off

Sally’s Dad’s a fireman

She proudly told us so

Anna loves her doctor Daddy

And wanted the world to know

My turn next I showed that lot

I was all excited and grinning

You can shove all those boring jobs up your arse

My Dad says FUCK for living!

Fuck for a living

That beats all your dad’s hands down

Some say I was raised in a mental home

But it was a fucking funny house!

Your Dad’s a doctor

Your Dad’s a lawyer

Your Dad drives a truck

Oh but mine says FUCK for a living!

Mine Says FUCK for a living

It always kept things interesting

Like having a swear jar

If we said shit we got to take a dollar out

When I was 7 I bought me first car!

Sometimes I’d get busted at school

For telling dirty jokes

The nuns would shit over what I’d said

And send a stern note home

I’d give it to me mum

And she’d shake her head and frown

Then I’d show it to me Dad

He’d tear up he got so proud

He’d say my girls a cheeky little shit

It’s a talent that’s god-given

It takes some knack to swear like that

And sat FUCK for a living

CHORUS

And now that I’m older I think it’s pretty clear

Why I turned out like I did

Dad calls me his retirement fund

Get out there and work it kid

So I’m giving it me best shot

And I’m loving every minute

It’s the family trait now I get paid

To say FUCK for a living

Your Dad’s a teacher

Your Dad’s a preacher

Fuck for living

A politician and electrician

Fuck for living

Your Dad’s a banker

Your Dad’s a wanker

Fuck for a living