By JENNY TALIA & KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

I got a list, I got to give

Any intended spouse

He’s got to read and then agree

Before he takes me out

10 things I’ve written down

10 things he needs to know

10 things I’ll never say

Before or after our wedding day

10 things you’ll never hear me say

Number 10

Don’t worry about our anniversary – you just go play golf

Number 9

Stand back when you piss, if you miss doesn’t matter

I’ll wipe it all off

Number 8

What’s that you didn’t get the raise?

Of course I’ll sleep with your boss

10 things you’ll never hear me say

Number 7

Threesome, why didn’t I think of that? I’ll just phone a friend

Number 6

I love your breath when you’re hungover – ooh tongue kiss me again

Number 5

I’m bored – let’s shave my mutt and see how that looks then

10 things you’ll never hear me say

10 Things I’ve written down

10 things he needs to know

10 things I’ll never say

Before or after our wedding day

10 things you’ll never hear me say

Number 4

I love it when you fart like that – I think you touched cotton – genius!

Number 3

Lets make a home video so all your friends can see us

Number 2

This diamond’s way too big, just like your penis

10 things, you’ll never hear me say

So that leaves one more thing – I’ll never say

I’ve saved this one for last – you’ll never get your way

You can plead, you can grovel, you can cry you can beg

Number 1

I know it’s really tight back there but just spit on it and try again

That’s one thing you’ll never hear me say – no way

Yeah, there’s the 10 things you’ll never hear me say – ok?

Year there’s the 10 things you’ll never hear me say

By JENNY TALIA & KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC

Christmas shopping

The shops are chocka

And I’m stuck with the kids

Christmas time would be just fine

If it weren’t for them damn shits’

My credit card’s in meltdown
They want everything they see

One kid needs a flogging

The others’ screaming for a feed

One’s pulling shit of f all the shelves

One pissed on Santa’s knee

On Santa, just check your sack and see

(If there’s a) A Teflon coated kid

That doesn’t leak from either end

With a simple switch to turn it off

When you put it in its bed

And a dial to turn the volume down

If it’s crabby or it’s bad

And when it’s screams blue murder

The only one it wants is DAD!

Quart of vodka mixed with Valium

Before they drive me mad

Oh Santa, could I just check your bag?

For a few things for the house

You know, the stuff you see in dreams

Like bills that pay themselves

A chauffeur driven limousine

A king size feather bed

To lay all day and watch TV

And a male masseuse

Hung like a horse who satisfies my every need

While my husband does the dishes

Huh!! – Now I’m fucking dreaming

Oh Santa – ‘cause in reality

I’ve got a husband that spends Christmas

Drunk and passed out on the couch

Who never lifts a fucking finger

Just try and help me out

It’s not like he’s got to hang

New decorations all around

The lazy shit still hasn’t taken

Last year’s bastards down

And he still won’t change his undies

‘Til he’s worn the old ones out

Oh Santa, could you empty that sack out?

(And see if there’s a) A Teflon coated husband

That doesn’t leak from either end

With a simple switch to turn him off

When you put him in his bed

And a dial to turn the bastard down

If it’s crabby or he’s mad

And when he screams blue murder

Too fucking bad!

Quart of vodka mixed with Valium

Before the arsehole drives me mad

Oh Santa, would you just check your sack

What’s that?

Oh Santa, I’ll help empty your sack – its getting fat

Oh Santa, what the fuck is that?

SPLAT!!