By JENNY TALIA & KEVIN BLOODY WILSON
BOTH BARRELS MUSIC
Christmas shopping
The shops are chocka
And I’m stuck with the kids
Christmas time would be just fine
If it weren’t for them damn shits’
My credit card’s in meltdown
They want everything they see
One kid needs a flogging
The others’ screaming for a feed
One’s pulling shit of f all the shelves
One pissed on Santa’s knee
On Santa, just check your sack and see
(If there’s a) A Teflon coated kid
That doesn’t leak from either end
With a simple switch to turn it off
When you put it in its bed
And a dial to turn the volume down
If it’s crabby or it’s bad
And when it’s screams blue murder
The only one it wants is DAD!
Quart of vodka mixed with Valium
Before they drive me mad
Oh Santa, could I just check your bag?
For a few things for the house
You know, the stuff you see in dreams
Like bills that pay themselves
A chauffeur driven limousine
A king size feather bed
To lay all day and watch TV
And a male masseuse
Hung like a horse who satisfies my every need
While my husband does the dishes
Huh!! – Now I’m fucking dreaming
Oh Santa – ‘cause in reality
I’ve got a husband that spends Christmas
Drunk and passed out on the couch
Who never lifts a fucking finger
Just try and help me out
It’s not like he’s got to hang
New decorations all around
The lazy shit still hasn’t taken
Last year’s bastards down
And he still won’t change his undies
‘Til he’s worn the old ones out
Oh Santa, could you empty that sack out?
(And see if there’s a) A Teflon coated husband
That doesn’t leak from either end
With a simple switch to turn him off
When you put him in his bed
And a dial to turn the bastard down
If it’s crabby or he’s mad
And when he screams blue murder
Too fucking bad!
Quart of vodka mixed with Valium
Before the arsehole drives me mad
Oh Santa, would you just check your sack
What’s that?
Oh Santa, I’ll help empty your sack – its getting fat
Oh Santa, what the fuck is that?
SPLAT!!